===Slipping from the headphones... The Sentinel: Steve Porcaro===

Greetings to you, my dear hearts. I'm wonderfully psyched today. Ya wanna know why???? Cmon, tell me ya wanna know why... cmon, please? Make me feel even the tiniest bit proud of this tremendous accomplishment....

Very well, I'll tell ya even tho you don't really want to know. *pouts slightly*

I was Quoted. *smirks* This is like a dream come true. I can't believe I"ve actually made it to the hallowed halls of that prestigious diary.

===Slipping from the headphones... Pull Me Under: Dream Theater -- Suggested by Charles===

Could there possibly be a greater honor? Well... I"m sure there could be. I mean, the way I see it, if I were like... Knighted by the Queen herself, then I might feel more honored. BUT, Cmon folks.... I was quoted. That just...... that just rocks my world.

I feel like I have stepped into some great, great world. Like I can now, officially, look down my nose at all of those who haven't made it to the ranks of precious Quotes. *looks around thinking about practicing looking down her nose*

Well... okay, I don't really feel THAT impressed. Besides, at my height, it's a little tough NOT to look down my nose at people. In the most literal sense. Personally, there are only a few of you out there I'm at eyelevel with, let alone having to look up to. *chuckles* For instance, I"d have to look up to Uncle Bob, and I'd see eye to eye with Charles... but the rest of you out there? There was one individual I was speaking with a couple days ago who is also 6'4" (Uncle Bob's height), but for the life of me I can't remember if that was Fadein or Mosh... or even someone else.

Gah, no wonder it took so long for me to get into the annals of Dland Quote history... I can't remember shit even on a good day. *smirks*

Anyway, me being 6'1" barefoot (almost 6'3" with my shoes on), there aren't a whole lot of people I have to physically look up to. That's totally beyond the point, and a tangent which has long-since passed it's maximum length allowance.

The point is, I was Quoted. And I'm just so completely psyched about that. I want to hop around and blast off and make everyone go look and stuffers. But, I won't. I think I'd rather just sit here in my laziness and be happy that I was quoted.

But you should know... this is just like.... the coolest.

===Slipping from the headphones... Broken Hearted Savior: BHTatM -- Suggested by Charles===

I got some real good RP in with Charles and Catherine. (don't know her IRL name as yet) And Tiger got some good character developement going. She revealed a secret to Catherine that Tig hasn't told anyone. Not even her son, Chance. It was fun.

But, I think the most enjoyable part was watching Charles and someone else as they played out their scene. *chuckles* Charles character ShadowFox, knew nothing of tech (electricity/science/etc) and the other character (Neil-dunno-his-IRL-name) was explaining the way things worked. It was so cool to watch Neil explain to Shadow how a gun worked... how the bullets were propelled from the barrel of the gun... what kind of damage they did... And then they got into a discussion on science and technology.

It was a blast to watch. An absolute blast. It's like listening to someone explain "normal" concepts to someone else...... well...... Like, having to find a more elementary way to describe how electricity works.... The different between electricity and sorcery... all that.

It was fun, just trust me on that one.

===Slipping from the headphones... I Wish It Would Rain Down: Genesis===

Man, I love this song. There's something that just.... cleanses me through these lyrics and the music. It's not like the lyrics are specifically encouraging... infact, they're rather depressing... but there's something in this song that just washes over me and seems to push and mold me into something new and fresh.

I'm reminded of one day while I was attending Cornish College of the Arts in Seattle, Washington on Capitol Hill. I was walking from Cornish North to Kerry, about a half mile walk or so. It was a beautiful walk. Absolutely beautiful. There were trees so tall that it looked like they could never be broken.

And when that gentle rain would fall, I would walk along that street with my face turned up to the sky and let the rain just wash all over me. I felt so clean and pure... so whole and complete. It was truly a magical feeling. Those drops would course along my cheeks and forehead, through my hair, down my shoulders...

*plays the song again*

*closes her eyes as she types, almost feeling those tender, liquid caresses*

I've always felt pure while walking in rain like that. The tall, tall, tall trees... leaves on the ground... some hanging on to their branches... driplets and driplets of water caressing the ground in a gentle, incessant surusration of praise for life.... during those times, all the filth of Seattle was washed away... the cars on the main street two blocks away were muffled to the point of non-existance. I remember stopping at the Scottish Right building... it was a building our church group rented every weekend for our services... and I would stand there, looking at the rose bushes that grew along side...

That was my favorite time in Seattle. Standing there as the rain washed over me... bathing me... cleansing me... cleaning my soul and mind and heart and thoughts... it was so very magical... the rain ...

The rain would be slightly warm... just a little warmer than the cool air... it was so perfect... so precious and completely pure...

I miss it.

This song reminds me of that. So much... That's really the only thing I miss about Capitol hill.

Those trees... and that slightly warm rain...

*opens her eyes, slowly*

*sighs softly, then moves on to the next song*

===Slipping from the headphones... Hold On My Heart: Genesis===

Woah... That was..... cool. Not quite a flashback, but the tactile memory. I have a memory that works differently than those of the people I have associated with. I don't have an analytical memory, nor a logical memory. I don't remember dates, names, scholastic knowledge... I remember music. I remember feelings, emotions, sensations.

It's strange sometimes.

*smiles softly, still feeling that gentle touch of the rain*

Excuse me a moment, the pup is demanding that I take him out. I'll be right back, tho I'm sure you won't even miss me.

Okay, I'm back. He didn't really want to go outside, he just wanted to be downstairs where the food is. *chuckles*

He was able to smell the vegitable soup Mom made. *shudders* I so hate vegi soup. Especially home made. I've never liked vegi soup. Not restaurant vegi, not store vegi, not canned vegi. Ick, ick, ick.

*smiles sweetly*

So, later, I'll go down and grab a bagel. Nummy onion bagels. And I'll munch that for dinner.

Hell, I might make some of my special "ramen" stuff. It's wierd. Cream of mushroom soup, chicken flavor ramen, garlic, onions, a touch of dill, a little, tiny bit of milk, and the crushed ramen noodles. It's kinda rich sometimes... depends on what all I find to put in it... but I like it. So sue me if you suddenly realize that I'm a gross, gross person. *chuckles, winking*

Of course... if we had stew meat, sour cream and two hours, I'd make Beef Stroganoff... but I don't feel like cooking for two hours for myself alone. *smirks*

===Slipping from the headphones... Memphisto: DePeche Mode===

I am a good cook. Well, I think I'm a good cook. I can't really say too well cause I've not had a lot of experience cooking for people other than family... and the family always says they like what I cook. I think it's in the Family Bylaws. Ya know... those unwritten laws that say you MUST compliment your mother when she's feeling a little low. Things like that.

Hey, I'd like some feedback from some of you males in this audience.... if there are any males other than Sympatico, Luc and Louis who read this diary... I know that Flatline and Uncle Bob read this diary too, but both of them are going to be extremely busy this week, so I don't expect to hear from them on this matter... (I DO expect to hear from Sympatico, Luc and Louis tho)

I want to know, from you males out there, how do you like being told/asked to do something? Do you like being asked straight out, demanded, hinted at, whined at, nagged... what?

===Slipping from the headphones... Techno Carmina Burana: 6 meg Carl Orff===

I was talking with my Mother and Sister (adopted Brother's ex wife... I kept her) about this matter... about how men respond to women and how women should make requests/demands/etc.

I would also like to know how you men want to be told that a female is displeased with some action or behavior of yours.

I know of some women who just bitch and bitch and bitch about it... who complain continually until they're no more than a broken record and thus, ignored. I don't think I do that, but I don't know for sure.

===Slipping from the headphones... Sogno: Andrea Bocelli===

For any of you who haven't heard Andrea Bocelli... this is a good song to DL... Sogno, Immenso, Rhapsodia, Caruso and Con te Partiro are all highly, highly, highly reccomended. But, to forewarn... Andrea Bocelli's music is all in Italian, and it's of a Classical style. It's not all classical, but that's the style.

However, he is absolutely incredible. Just...... incredible.

===Slipping from the headphones... In The Air Tonight: Genesis===

I don't know if I ever got to tell about how greatly Andrea Bocelli affected my life. I know that I was planning to at one point. I just don't remember if I told or not. If I haven't, then I will now. If I already have, feel free to skip this part... I'll try to keep it brief.

I had been divorced for about six months. It was mid Spring of 99. I was still numb. Almost completely numb. There wasn't any ice around me anymore, but I was still numb... I didn't feel. I refused to feel. And I was still lost.

I'm speaking emotionally and psychologically.

I was having dinner with my folks. Steak if I remember correctly. (I'm sure I"ve told this before... I'm sure I have) I was sitting there at the table and Mom had put in the Andrea Bocelli Romanza disc. She wanted me to listen to it cause she thought I"d really like the music.

===Slipping from the headphones... It's My Life: Bon Jovi===

I made it through the first three quarters of the first song, Con te Partiro. I didn't feel anything, but about half way through that first song, I'd set my hand against the table, bite of steak on the end of my fork... and I closed my eyes. In the next about 45 seconds or so, all thought left my mind and all I could hear, feel, see, smell, breathe... all I could understand was the music. That perfect voice. The life which flowed through that perfect voice.

For the next hour... not quite a full hour, I sat there, eyes closed, tears pouring down my face in silence, not moving.... I don't know if I was breathing even. I was just sitting there, in that chair, imoble. And Andrea Bocelli was asking me to wake up... he was asking me to choose life. He was asking me let the music in. He was asking me recognize through his voice everything that I had felt and believed in and lived for so long.

His voice was so... complete.

===Slipping from the headphones... Carmina Burana: 4 meg Carl Orff===

I heard him. I felt him. I knew him. I swear to you, I could not have felt him more completely had he been standing next to me.

That voice...

The tears came for nearly an hour. Silent. No sniffing, no sounds coming from me at all... just tears. Tears of sorrow, tears of pain, tears of shame and self-loathing..... and then, tears of peace... that calm, genlte, quiet, peaceful, pure release.

If I hadn't been breathing, I started again. I opened my eyes for half a moment then closed them again. The lights seemed too bright. I no longer was numb. I didn't know what I felt, but I knew I wasn't numb anymore.

And, I wanted, so very badly, to sing again. I wanted to meet Andrea Bocelli. I wanted to crawl inside his mind and rest there for a while... just live within that power and beauty and life. Andrea Bocelli is a man who could never, ever, ever be happy if he weren't singing.

===Slipping from the headphones... Riveria Paradise: Stevie Ray Vaughan===

And, that's when I first began to understand that I could have it back. That I could have that purity of the rain on Capitol Hill. That I could recapture the perfection of my voice. That I could change my chosen path, that I could move toward music as Bocelli begged me to.

I swear to you, I could FEEL him pleading with me, through the music, to join him.... to open my heart to the music. To feel it. to really let it in. To really, honestly and openly let it in.... to once again admit that without music I die. That without music.... I am nothing more than a fat husk.

But.... but, with the music.... I am pure. With the music, I am whole. With the music, I can breathe deeply and completely and fully and with so much passion for life...

I remember at my graduation, one of my Mother's friends gave me a single piece of advice which I have ignored and flouted at every possible turn as of late...

She told me to never, ever lose my passion. That I was passion and that I should never, ever give that up.

God, how right she was. How completely right she was.

And I did give it up. I threw it away. For many different reasons, and mostly without realizing it.... but I gave it away... I gave it up. I quit.

I won't do that again.

Tho, returning to the passion scares me. It scares me a lot.

Because.... I want a husband in my life. I want to marry a man and have children and a family and a home and eventually grand children and even great grand children......... but, the imense size of me is terrifying to msot men. And I'm not talking about physical size. That's not even a consideration here.... I'm talking strictly passion and personality.

There is so much of me to behold...

Even were I height weight proportionate... I would be huge. I'm big to look at, I'm big to listen to and I'm big in passion. There is so much fire here inside me.... so much............ so very much passion..... and I'm only now allowing myself to feel it once again.

this diary is helping a lot in that area.... especially when I listen to my msuic with the headphones on... I get to hear all this music which warms my hands, warms my arms... seriously....

===Slipping from the headphones... Iris: Goo Goo Dolls===

I can feel the warmth in my arms. There's a gentle, slow, dull burn along my forearms and biceps and it's telling me to let go........ to release the dam.... to open my heart to the passion... to open my soul to the passion...... to take back what is rightfully mind....

I don't know if a man can handle that. Duncan couldn't. Duncan couldn't look into my eyes when I spoke with him. I think that's the only thing I really regret about him.... all the physical, emotional,psychological bullshit... i'ts all bullshit. But the part that hurts me.... the part that makes me sad.....

The part that I feel angry about... is that he promised he could handle everything I was. He told me he could handle it. He told me that he wanted to know everything about me. That he wanted to feel every part of my life........ but when I showed him just ten percent... he couldn't handle it. He couldn't deal with who and what I was... and he wanted to cut that music part out of me....

He didn't want me to stop being musical, but he wanted me to stop inconveniencing him with my music.... listening to it, playing it, breathing it....

You know.... one of the things I always wanted to try, was making love to him with musical accompaniment. I really, really wanted that. I wanted to have enigma playing, or Ravel's Bolero, or Thomaso Albinoni's Adagio for Strings and Organ.

===Slipping from the headphones... The Flame: Cheap Trick===

I wanted to have the music. The music was foreplay for me..... with the right music and a simple caress to my cheek I would have done anything for him..... I really would have. I would have done anything..... if he had just welcomed my passion....... if he had opened his heart and mind to who and what i really was.....

*sighs softly*

My body, mind and heart are healing. Because I am no longer denying my true self. I am no longer denying the music.

The man I receive from God as my mate... he will understand how completely music is a part of me. And he will never, ever, ever silence me. He will never tell me not to sing. He will never, ever, ever, ever, ever tell me he doesn't "want to hear it anymore". He will not treat me like his own personal music box that he can silence when he's tired of the song I'm playing. And he will accept my passion, even if it's too much for him. he will tell me it's too much, but he will accept that I have it, and that it's mine, and that it is what I am.

If he doesn't...... I will not marry him unless God tells me to. I'm not choosing my husband this time. Because people can lie and I can believe things that aren't really there. I can see more than is really there, and that can kill me.

Another relationship like Duncan..... another made up relationship like Bryan.... and I won't survive. I feel that. I just.... I feel it.

===Slipping from the headphones... Far Behind: CandleBox===

I won't make the same mistake again. God picks my husband this time. I do it God's way this time. Not my way.

*smiles softly, closing her eyes for a few long moments*

I've typed much of this entry with my eyes closed, so if there are more typos than normal, please excuse this... I'm not proofing it.

===Slipping from the headphones... I Wish It Would Rain Down: Genesis===

*chuckles very softly, very briefly* And we come back to this song. appropriate. Very, very appropriate. After crying, it's appropriate that this song come along and wash me of the hopeless residue.

I got far, far more indepth than I intended to, and I revealed more than I ever intended to, both directly and indirectly.... but, it's all for the best. Without the release, I don't reap the benefit of the experience.

Fear tends to be a constant for me at times. I suppose that fear is my nemesis. It's not as comical as the deal between Uncle Bob and Riot, but it's very real. Fear seems to be that thing I butt heads with the most..... and back away from the most. I tend to cower away from those things I fear. Loud voices, anger, pain, risk....

There is an emotional.... a psychological rain.... a spiritual rain washing down over me, covering me, washing me, cleansing me.

Oh, God help me. I want to do this Your way. I want to do it Your way this time through. Prepare me for that which I must accomplish. Prepare me for that which You have designed.

And I will do as You request.

===Slipping from the headphones... Ball And Chain: Social Distortion -- Suggested by Flatline===

*laughs softly, very softly, a smile crawling across her lips*

Perfect song. Absolutely perfect.

Fear is my Ball and Chain.

===Slipping from the headphones... Everything You Want: Virticle Horizon===

===Slipping from the headphones... Sleepwalker: Wallflowers -- Suggested by Sympatico===

===Slipping from the headphones... Tubthumping: ChumbaWumba===

===Slipping from the headphones... Land Of Confusion: Genesis===

===Slipping from the headphones... Never Let You Go: Third Eye Blind===

And that's the end of this entry.... Peace unto thy hearts. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being there to read and validate my thoughts and realizations. Thank you for being friends to me, tho most of you will never be met... You are all in my prayers.

Peace unto thy hearts.

Those I spoke with in Dland Chat today...

Caity -- The Stone Builder -- Beight -- Cui -- Out -- Adam W. -- Schmez -- Kaff -- the Lone Romantic -- Lara -- SeaSecret -- Fero Kitty -- SugarSweet24 -- Tasha -- TeenMom -- The Baaaaaaad boy -- Return Sender -- Sweet2K -- Celinha -- DaWhiteAngel -- LilGirl4Ever -- The Non-Hillbilly -- Garcia -- Codeine Boy -- Flatline