8-9-00 6p

Well, shit happens. We make choices. And I suppose I've made quite a few which have led me to this specific place in my life. And what place am I talking about? I just recently saw pictures of myself; sitting down. I can't wrap my mind around how tremendously disgusting, repulsive and gross I look. Oh God -- That's what people see when they look at me.

No wonder Mom asks me, "What does he see in you?" No wonder Bryan "just" wants to be friends. I'm good enough to be a friend. But I'm not good enough to be a girlfriend.

I made the analogy -- before Jonny I felt pure. Like a clean, unadultrated lake: clear, clean and whole. I was unused, untouched, completely pure. But now -- Picture that lake 10,000 years in the future. It's been drained, filled, paved over, made into a parking lot. torn down and remade into a huge ugly building, but still useable. But now... it's old and dilapidated... useless. Nothing lives there. It's ugly rubble after nuclear attack with nothing but roaches. Ugly, disgusting roaches. Thousands upon thousands of them. Feeding off each other to stay alive.

That's how I feel now. The only thing under this skin is an infestation of roaches. No wonder D. would never go down there. Who wants to be at the entrance to the Roach Hotel? And how could I be of any use to anyone when this is my self image? And this is why I'm so hung up on Bryan. When he was out here, for five incredible days, five glorious, miraculous days, I felt pure. Like that lake. Untouched. Asi fthe past 13 years had never happened.

I never felt that way with Duncan. Not even for ten minutes. Not ever.

I've never felt that way with anoyone else. NOt even my Mother can give me that pure feeling.

So why am I hung up on Bryan? Even tho he inadvertently ripped my heart out? Why do I believe I'm in love with him???

Because, when he looked at me, into my eyes, when he actually saw me for who and what I was, he didn't turn away.

Until he went back home.

And my Mother wonders why I prefer the internet.... flirting with men online is so easy. They see my personality. They see the inside of me. They see the parts of me that are truly attractive and desireable. They don't see the vile, disgusting despicable parts of me. People online just don't see the physical reality.

I was so scared that Bryan would take one look at me, then run the other way. But he didn't. Atop that, he didn't frown or wince or hesitate. Damn it... that's why I'm frozen/fixated on him. He accepted me. POint blank. without reservation. Without hesitation. And when i looked into his eyes, I felt pure. I can't explian the dept of this purity. Pure isn't strong enough a word.

And when he left? I was sad, but I still felt pure. For two weeks afterward, I felt pure. Until I got that first letter from him. He didn't want me to think that what we had done meant anything.

Oh how that hurt.

In the space of a heartbeat, I went from pure and whole, to Roach Hotel. Oh God... it was the most heart-wrenching thing I'd had to endure for a long, long time.

And I still have this hatred and loathing for myself. Sometimes I feel like it will drown me. Like it will grab me, pull me under, and hold me deep under until I stop fighting. Then it will beat me until I scream and my lungs fill with everything foul and disgusting. Roaches crawling into my mouth, throughout my body, owning me.

I hate me this way.

I loathe me this way

All because I looked at a fucking picture of myself. All because I saw myself as jabba the hut in people skin. With freckels. And flat hair.

I feel kinda like Joshua in "War Games". Ya know... the computer. It had to learn that war would end in death... that no one would win. The computer learned this by playing Tic Tac Toe with itself.

I feel like I'm having to play a game with myself and learn the lesson before I can take the next step. I believe that I have to love myself before I can lose the weight. The problem is, everytime I look in a mirror, look at myself, look at pictures... any time I catch a glimpse of myself... all I see is the Roach Hotel. *smiles softly*

So, the last few days were kinda rough. Actually, the last few weeks... but I'm okay now. Part of that is due to my Mother praying for me. Part is due to the sun pouring down on me. Part is due to your love, prayers and well-wishes. Thank you. So very, very much.

As an update... Regarding Bryan's Father. He has recoverd completely. No more danger, no more worries. I thank you so very much for your prayers on his behalf. This means a whole lot to me. Thank you so much. May God fill your lives with rich blessings... full, overflowing, flooding your lives with blessings beyond number!!! Thank you.

Peace unto thy hearts...