Alright, folks. I figure I owe ya a "real" entry. But I really don't have anything to say. I could complain and bitch a while. Mebbe I'll do that, eh?

I know that most a ya are probably tired of reading the story. So, maybe I'll stop posting it on the diary and go back to "legit" entries. *smirks*

Ya know, when I started that story, I didn't have the foggiest idea it would get to be so damned long. *chuckles*

See... I write in strange ways. I almost never have a specific plan in mind. I usually just sit down at the keyboard and let my fingers do the walking, so to speak. Well, this story is really writing itself. I don't know if it's any good.

I mean that.

I know that I like it. And I know that I think it's good, but that doesn't mean that anyone else does. Well, okay, so that's not true. I know that Sympatico thinks it's a good piece. But still... Just because I like what's comin out doesn't mean it's GOOD, ya know?

Selah. *chuckles*

So, Enough about the story.

I'm frustrated and ticked off cause I DLed a certain program to aide my Downloads through Napster. The DL was from the MS page, but suggested by Napster.

I DLed this program, installed it, restarted my comp and voila... no more problems down loading songs from Napster, right?

WRONG!!!!!!!!!

The boost prog, can't remember the name of it and I don't feel like opening Napster to find out, rewrote my config, I think. I don't know what it did in actuallity, but the result is that I can no longer access my D drive (secondary hard drive), I now "have" an E drive (?!?!?!?!) and my CD ROM is now my F drive.

Ya know what I think? I think they can take that damned F drive and F it. *smiles sweetly*

Now, this would not bother me too much, ordinarily, but this is an extraordinary situation. The guy who lives out here, who works on my comp when I've been too much of a bonehead to keep it together, is on vacation. *growls*

SO, I have a fucked up comp, running on ONE hard drive (less than 500 megs, folks). Atop that, all the songs I"d previously DLed from Napster are inaccessible as they're on my secondary hard drive. The D drive. I never had a D drive, but my computer now thinks there is one. Of course, I can't access that one either. *rolls her eyes*

And, I didn't realize the problem had occurred until about three or four days after I"d DLed the prog. Cause, I went to write up a nice little diary entry for you pleasant, wonderful and cheerful folks, and wound up unable to listen to any of the music I'd DLed.

*sighs*

Now... I have to wait til Matt and his wife get back from their vacation before I can actually get this problem fixed. BECAUSE, I have no idea what the actual problem is. I can't identify it. All I know is that I can't access my D drive, I don't HAVE an E drive, tho Windows thinks I do, and I'm just pissy about it.

I was talking with my best and favorite person in the world (closely followed by Sympatico) Charles yesterday, and he said that he'd try to help me, but he no longer has Win 95 on his machine. AND, he said that it's very possible that I'll lose EVERYTHING on the secondary hard drive.

*gasp, cough, wheaze, cry, cry, cry*

I'd be really upset if I lost all the songs I'd DLed. Specifically cause I really spent a lot of my time DLing them. However, the part I'd really be pissed about is losing all the stuff I've written so far. Seriously, it bothers me a lot.

I SO want to keep the conversation trannies and the stories and poems I've got on that D drive. I know that Matt will do everything he can to save them, even if it means physically pulling the hard drive and dumping the contents to disk... but still. I really, really, really, really don't wanna lose that stuff.

Um... that was quite redundant, wasn't it? Yeah... so sue me.

Anyway...

Next point up for bitching...

My Ex is back in town. Whoopie. I don't mind that he's back, but I have noticed a little heightened paranoia. I really, really don't want to meet up with him. It's not HIM that bothers me. It's his fucking whore that bothers me.

*bats her eyelashes*

Okay, so there's still a little hostility when it comes to that situation.

*smiles sweetly*

Anyway, that's not what I want to bitch about. What I want to bitch about is this...

My sis (remember, she's my adopted brother's EX wife, so there's really no relation with her) called to tell me that Duncan was back in town. yay. (can you hear the sarcasm?... no? Listen a little closer) Yay.

So, she calls to tell me that there's been a Duncan sighting from a little before Christmas. On the ten year anniversary of the day I tried killing myself for legit. Woah, now isn't that keen?

Again... that's highly liberal use of the linguistic tool, sarcasm!

Anyway... Yvonne is telling me about this and I interrupt her after about ten minutes telling her, word for word. "Pardon me, but, I really don't want to know. I already know that he's in town. I don't want to know about him. I don't want to hear about him. I don't want reports on his wellfare, well being or comportment. I don't want to know. He's a part of my life that I've put behind me. I really don't want to know."

She paused a moment, as if to think about that, then picked out the one sentance in that whole diatribe which had no real bearing on the conversation.

"You already knew?"

*rolls her eyes*

"Yeah" I said. "Carrie saw he and that whore and his oldest daughter, Jamie at the DSHS Tuesday and ran up to Mom's office, bubbling about how Duncan was back in town and how he'd gotten slender and his whore'd gotten fat."

Her response? Not a sympathetic "oh, I'm sorry you had to hear about it." Not a simple, "oh"

No, nothing quite so expected.

She responded with... and I quote...

"Well, it would have been nice if I"d been told!"

I sat there, looking at the phone, disbelief in my mind.

WTF? If SHE'D been told? Why? What the fuck does it matter to her?

Duncan's not gonna ask her out. He's got his whore of choice. Besides, Yvonne's too classy for Duncan. *chuckles*

But really. Why the hell would that matter so damned much to her?

Don't get me wrong here, folks. She wasn't angry because she was feeling empathetic toward me. She was pissed because I hadn't bothered to call her up and tell her that my ex husband was in town. She was pissed because she thought she should be notified in case he tried to contact her.

Uh, Excuse me, Yvonne... What the fuck would it matter if he contacted you? He's a nice guy. But, your paths don't cross. Trust me. You eat at the 42nd Street Cafe. He eats and Trail's End. There's whole different social standing there. It's like the difference between trailor trash and ocean front condo.

GAH

And she was pissed because I didn't warn her that he was back in town. Frag me. This is pathetic. Really, folks, it wasn't an empathic thing. She was not being angry out of a desire to keep me from pain or discomfort.

She was acting like Duncan was HER ex. *rolls her eyes* Cmon.

Granted, I have a different outlook on life... Yvonne is the type of person who thinks it's perfectly alright to pick up your mail and read your magazines before you even get to see the covers. *shrugs* I can deal with that. But, cmon, it's MY magazine. At least give me the courtesy of getting to read it first.

And, for those of you who plan to report back to my sis that I'm bitching about her and complaining and all that shit... Frag off. I"m just blowing off steam and that's what this diary is all about. I love her to death. If I didn't, I wouldn't call her my sister.

I am highly protective of her. If someone tried attacking her, I would do my damnedest to get her to safety. Hell, I'd fight with the attacker. *laughs* I've done it before.

You want an example, eh? You think I"m just full of empty comments and that I don't have an honest bone in my body? That I"m totally living up to the stereotype about women which states that they ALL exagerate EVERYTHING?

Well... fine. An example.

My sis was nine months pregnant. She was like three days from her due date. She was in the apartment with her husband, my brother. He was pissed as hell. He started bitching at her and I was sitting on the couch with their oldest child, Brandace who was just under two at the time.

So, I hear a slap. Yvonne's bawling her head off and Dan's screaming. Of course, Brandace is screaming too. *rolls her eyes* I get up off the couch, move into their bedroom and tell Dan to lay off his wife. He tells me to butt out that it's none of my business.

Then, he punches her in the belly.

Sorry, that just doesn't happen.

So, I grabbed my bro by the shoulder and spun him around, knocking him off balance long enough to get into the bedroom and stand between he and his wife. *chuckles* Yvonne's bawling, Dan's screaming and I"m standing there with my arms folded over my chest between the two.

Of course, Yvonne's on the floor, curled up around her extremely preggers belly. Dan tries to shove me out of the way, I tilt slightly, catching myself on the frame of their waterbed. I stand straight again shaking my head at him.

Brandace is screaming on the couch, I'm standin with my hands at my sides and Dan screams at me that it's none of my business and I"m no longer welcome in his house.

I tell him that if he wants to hit someone, he should hit me instead.

So he does. KNocks me on the jaw. I turn my head slightly, ball up my fist and hit him hard, knocking him on his ass.

*grins, winking*

He gets up, pissed even more, if that would have been possible.

So, he tries hitting me again and he connects with my jaw, turning my head just a little. I knock him on his ass once again.

I guess I should specify here that my brother is 5'7" and weighed in at about 140 lbs. His wife was 5'0" and I was 6'1", weighing in at about 280. So, I might have had a tiny advantage. *smirks* Twice his weight. And, I had about 220 lbs of lean body mass. I had a big ass and a little bit of a belly... but the rest was muscle.

Not a good combination.

Regardless... I'll stand up for my sis when she's up against someone that might hurt her. I'm not gonna let her go through life and get smacked around by assholes if I can help it. However, I'm not gonna live her life for her either. I'm not gonna tell her when every little thing comes around. It's HER life. She has to live it.

I'm tired of that.

I have an extremely blunt nature at times. I was talking with Mosh just a day or two ago and he was complaining about one thing or another. He asked my honest opinion and I gave it to him.

It kinda surprises me that he's still talking to me, actually. I don't sugar coat my comments unless the person I'm talking to is extremely fragile. Hell, even then I don't sugar coat. I will be more tender in my comments...

Dunno, I was talkin with Tom, an old friend of mine, last night (he doesn't have a diary, or I'd plug him) and he asked me a two part question. He asked me how I'd describe him and what I'd say if I was going to describe him to someone else.

So I told him.

he's a great guy. he's gentle and tender, but he's got that self-loathing thing down pat. If you take the time to get to know him, he's worth it, but you have to overlook the self-pitty, cause it comes into play sometimes.

Then, I told him how I'd describe him to himself. *chuckles* That was more of the same, but not as tactful.

So, if you want to know what I honestly think of you, ask me. I'll tell ya.

If you want me to be nice, then say so. I'll say the same things, but with more gentle words. If you want it blunt, I'll give it to ya blunt.

The preceeding comments brought to you by a bon-a-fide FAT CHICK!!!

In closing, I want to brag on Sympatico and Flatline for a moment...

First off... Flatline sent me a letter. *grins brightly* I was so thrilled to get the letter. Because I promised not to divulge secrets which could get me killed... Suffice it to say he's doing fairly well. Or, rather, was. *chuckles* He's in MA and eats once in a while. I"m thinking about sending him a hypodermic filled with liquid protene or something so he can THINK he's shooting up with something hallucinogenic (sp) when in all actually he'll be getting something fairly nutritional.

But, if I did that, then I'd have to get one of my father's unopened packs of insulin needles and go through the trouble of finding liquid protien or whatever. And tho I love Flatline, I don't love him enough to go through all that effort. *grins, winking*

So, Flatline rocks and if you don't read him now, start.

We were actually discussing Quantum Theory the other day. Way cool discussion. And part of said discussion is up on his post from a couple days ago. Go read him. He's worth your time. Besides, he's the incredible Preacher Bob!!!

Oh wait... that was supposed to be Preacher BoB, wasn't it?

Regardless...

Sympatico just rocks my world all over the place.

Now, I haven't celebrated Christmass since I was a year old. I've never missed it. I haven't gotten a christmas present for a little over 20 years. (the relatives in Ohio would send gifts back to my Aunt for my bro and I when we were little).

BUT, I got a christmas present from Sympatico. I tell you, people.... If you have even half the chance to meet and talk with this man, I highly suggest you do so. All you women out there complaining about how you can't find a nice guy. Frag me raw, you're not looking in the right place.

Now, Sympatico knows that I love Andrea Bocelli. He knows that I sing. And he knows that I used to attend college with the intent of singing professionally. He knows that my intention is to gain my voice once again and start singing for churches and such.

I NEVER said that I wanted a performance track CD. I never asked for it. I never talked about getting one... none of that.

BUT, my dear, dear, dear, dear Sympatico sent me two things as a Christmas present... A performance track... Karaoke compatible... CD of Andrea Bocelli songs. This is incredible. Not only are they Bocelli songs... they are some of my absolute favorite Bocelli songs.

This may seem like a "That's nice dear" present to you... but to me? The CD was incredible. But the thing that really hit me was the note he enclosed with it. Even now as I'm writing this, I"m getting misty eyed AGAIN.

He has faith in me and he spent HIS money, HIS time, HIS effort and HIS love to not only get me a CD that I love, but a CD that I can use in modest concert settings as well as at Karaoke AND a CD that proves how very much faith he has in me.

Bocelli is an incredible musican. He's not even a musician, he IS music. Just like Preston when he lets his soul play his guitar... Andrea Bocelli IS music.

And when Sympatico sent me that disc and the note that accompanied it.... I was literally crying at the magnitude of that simple gift.

Now.... that would have been enough to send me flying for the rest of the year and well into 01. BUT, that's not all. He also sent me a pound of Wicked Wolf coffee. That is my favorite coffee in the entire world. (listed on the first page of coffees. Second favorite is DeadMan's Reach)

I mentioned that Wicked Wolf was my favorite. Hell, it's the "house" coffee in The Lair. I asked Sympatico, once, if he could find a place in his area that sold Wicked Wolf, cause I couldn't get it out here anymore... the one Espresso place that had it was closed down and they sold it for damn near 12 bucks a lb.

Regardless... in this little package, Sympatico sent me faith, tenderness, love, compassion, trust AND, legal, addictive stimulants.

*grins brightly*

The reason I say all this?

All you ladies who are complaining about having no one of merit... all you women who are pissed off because there aren't any good men out there.... You're not talking to Sympatico.

I have lived through 30 years of my life and have met only one man as kind, considerate, tender and loving as Sympatico. He is an incredible man. he thinks of others before himself. He believes that women are something to be treasured, not objectified.

Sympatico is the best friend I've ever had. he returns the attention and compassion of those he deals with, except he magnifies it somehow. He is a blessing like no other. And I honestly, truly, completely expect every single one of you to run right out and buy a plane ticket to Cali in order to beseige his house.

Well, okay, maybe not that, but I DO fully intend for him to receive at least a little of the masses of attention he doles out.

Sympatico? You have brightened my life like no other friend. You are incredible and tho my options are rather limited at this time, I truly and honestly pray that you receive your heart's greatest desire.

If you receive only half of the compassion and tenderness you show me, you will never feel pain again.

You're incredible.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever doubt that.

*clears her throat*

ahem

Now, with that brief moment of seriousness in this Wicked Wolf fueled entry, I will depart.

Love ya, Sympatico. You're way cool. You're number two in my book. Yeah, I know that might seem like a slam, but you know who number one is, and much as I enjoy and adore you... no one can take number one's place. *grins*

And you know I'm not talkin bout using the facilities. *winks*

OH, and whenever you get hitched, ya know, two, five, ten years down the road, lemme know, cause I wanna sing at your wedding, k?

Love and all to you and yours, friends. May peace flood your hearts. And may you find someone in your life who gives selflessly the way Sympatico does.

I hope I make people feel the way Sympatico does. He's got a real gift. May that gift spread out and touch each of your lives in at least a small way.

Peace and all...