This is yet another multi-part entry. And though I'm posting this now, It's not yet done. So, um, there. *chuckles*

I was planning on working my way through another section of Designing Destiny today, but chose, instead, to devote my full attention to you. Yes, you. To you beautiful, wonderful and greatly talented individuals.

A little too much? Yeah, I thought so too.

Anyway, I�ve gotten a lot of comments, in my Guestbook, via private message and in Email, in regard to my recent posts on rape and the �permission� to say �no�. One of the comments which really hit home to me, was that someone hoped people who read me would take my words to heart and know that it was okay, that they weren�t bad for what happened to them. That it truly wasn�t their fault.

That hit home because I remember talking to my friend, and hearing her say that before this happened to her, she used to think it was stupid to feel responsible for someone else�s abuse... for those who had been through this kind of rape situation, and that it was foolish to think they had any responsibility for it whatsoever. But now that she�d been through it, she understood. And very well.

So, I�ve been thinking about that a lot lately. And I have come to the realization that there are a whole lot of people out there who don�t know anything about what goes on in the mind of someone while the act is going on. Now, I don�t know about everyone else, but I�m sure that of those of you who have experienced rape in any form, you will agree to and understand at least one of the thoughts/feelings that I went through/had.

And folks, trust me, the effects of rape are not washed away in a day or a week or a month. They stay with you for a very, very, very long time. And it is only the strong people who have strong people to love them, who ever, ever, ever trust fully again. Some of those who have been so attacked and mistreated, don�t recover as quickly. Some don�t ever recover.

So, for this entry, and possibly many more to come, I�m going to be spitting out memories. The things I remember feeling. I�m going to immerse myself in memory. I will NOT feel it again. I won�t allow that to happen, as the last time I �felt� it, well... trust me, it spun me off into a depression I didn�t break out of until just the past couple years. Sometimes, when you have such a traumatic experience, it takes something even more traumatic to wake you up.

Regardless, let me get on with the description of what I felt. I�m going to be writing this from a general standpoint, so even though I use words like �one� and �you� I really mean �me� and �I�.

Sometimes rape is slow in coming. For me personally, I didn�t think I had actually been raped. After all, he didn�t have intercourse with me. He didn�t have actual penetration. However, the rape started with that first date. The night we went out for the first time and he didn�t listen to me when I said no. He didn�t do anything more than kiss me. But from that night, I had been raped.

What is rape? Rape is when someone, anyone, requires you to do something of a sexual nature - kissing, touching, holding, oral sex, intercourse - without your permission and consent. If you have said no and the FIQ (fuckwitprick-in-question) doesn�t stop, say no again. Louder. If they still don�t listen, say no very loudly and do everything you can to get out of the situation including kicking, punching, biting, clawing, gouging, threatening and pulling a weapon.

It is of vital importance that I mention here; there are some people who like teasing, sexually. There are people who enjoy forceful/aggressive/violent sex. There are some people who want to say no just so that the person they�re with will ignore their boundaries and take them anyway. If you are one of these people, it is your responsibility and duty to talk about this before any touching occurs. Before sexual conversation occurs. It is your responsibility to tell the person you�re interested in, that you have these inclinations. But most importantly, it is an absolute requirement that you have safewords in this sexual play.

By this, I mean that there are times when two adults consent to have rough or forced sex. Because they both enjoy it and one or both are turned on more when they are forced into it. For those of you who are in this world, safe words are those you each know in advance. Safewords are the words you say when the action is getting too intense and you really don�t want to do it anymore. Typically used safe words are �yellow� which means to slow down, and �red� which means to stop completely, like the traffic light.

�Yellow� says that you�re still into the scene, but you don�t like the way it�s going so you want to slow down and change direction a little. �Red� means that you are not into the scene at all and it has to stop. This is usually used when there is too much pain, it�s too rough, or one or the other is feeling out of control.

Again, it is of utmost importance to talk about your predilictions and interests, sexually, far before the first sensual word/touch. If one person doesn�t know the safewords, you have a rape situation brewing. And, even in such sexual play, where both parties are consenting, know the safewords and have had many experiences with each other, if one or the other refuses to heed the safe word, rape is happening.

Anyway, back to non-aggressive sexual situations:

What is rape? Rape is when someone, anyone, requires you to do something of a sexual nature - talking, kissing, touching, holding, oral sex, intercourse - without your permission and consent. If you have said no and the FIQ (fuckwitprick-in-question) doesn�t stop, say no again. Louder. If they still don�t listen, say no very loudly and do everything you can to get out of the situation including kicking, punching, biting, clawing, gouging, threatening and pulling a weapon. Whatever you have to do to get away, do it. But as soon as you are away, GET AWAY, do not stick around to do more damage.

For me, the first time it happened was in that car so very many years ago. Yes, in February of 1988. It was the first date, though the boy was my brother�s friend and had lived with our family for a while. We went up to the water front. I didn�t want to be there and I had asked him to just take me home. He said just for a few minutes. I said yes, And this is the important part, folks, because I thought that if I just stayed there with him for the few minutes, he would then take me home.

He tried to kiss me, leaned across the car. I pulled back because I didn�t like him that way. I didn�t want to kiss him. I had never really been kissed before and I didn�t want him to be my first. I didn�t ever want to kiss on the first date.

He leaned across the car toward me. I pulled back as far as I could and shook my head, asking if we could go walk around outside for a little while. Because: I �knew� he wanted to kiss me. I figured if we walked around in the 1am February air where it felt like ice was hanging in the wind itself, perhaps he would cool down enough. I had heard about such things as �cold showers� and how they reduced a person�s interest in sex. (misnomer... major misnomer).

We walked around the waterfront, my hands in my pockets, his hands in his. I kept watching him. By the time his teeth were chattering, his body was shivering and his skin had turned a very, very pale shade... his lips were slightly blue, I figured he had cooled down enough. We went back to the car and slipped inside. He was shaking so hard the car was practically vibrating.

I sat there, scrunched over to my side of the car as far as I could get, which wasn�t very damned far and definitely not far enough.

If any of you are in this situation, at that point, it�s okay to go to a pay phone and call someone you trust. Best friend, parents, minister, teacher, the police, anyone. Even if it�s 1 in the morning. Call them and tell them you�re scared, that you think your date wants to kiss you/do things you don�t want to do and he�s not taking no for an answer. Tell them that you would like them to pick you up and take you home. Even if you don�t know where you are, tell them you�re scared and you don�t know what to do.

I sat there, scrunched over to my side of the car as far as I could get. I told him I wanted to go home now. He said he had to warm up first and I saw him fumbling with the keys in his shaking hands, putting the keys in the ignition and turning the car on. It took him a full minute to do that, and I thought that I had kept him out of the car for too long. I thought that maybe I had given him frost bite (yes, I know, foolish thought, but hey, it was honest, and someone else might have that thought too. It�s okay to refuse a kiss. It�s okay to refuse someone else�s comfort so that your boundaries aren�t violated. IT IS OKAY!)

So, I nodded my head and waited. I too was shivering. I too was very cold. But I still didn�t want to kiss him and I wanted to go home. I just wanted it to be over. I forced myself to be patient, figuring that as soon as he had warmed up a little, enough to stop his teeth from chattering loudly, he would drive home.

He warmed up a little, stopped chattering, but he didn�t go home. Instead he waited a little longer. I said that I wanted to go home, I was tired and it was already way past my curfew. (I would like to think that I said Mom would be worried, or that I�d be in deep trouble and not allowed to see him again if we didn�t get home immediately, but that could have been a memory I created after-the-fact to villify him. It could be something I thought but didn�t say.)

He didn�t make any response that I know of. After another few moments, he turned off the car and leaned across the small space to kiss me again. I just sat there, I think. Maybe I turned my head a little, maybe I didn�t. I don�t remember the specifics very clearly. I spent a long time telling myself that it hadn�t happened at all that I don�t remember too much about that specific night. Whether it was that time, or the next time, quickly thereafter, I just relaxed my mouth and let him kiss me.

Because: I believed that if I just gave in, if I just gave him what he wanted, he would be gone sooner. If I just let him do what he wanted to, he would do it, finish and take me home. I was tired. It had been nearly an hour that we were there, I was already an hour and a half late for curfew. This was my very first date. I had already blown it as far as the mother/daughter trust thing was concerned. If he would just hurry up and do it and get it over with, I could go home and pretend it never happened.

So I relaxed my mouth. My hands were folded in my lap. My eyes were closed. It was wet and mushy and he stuck his tongue in my mouth and it was clumsy and I didn�t want it and he didn�t stop. He kissed me again, and again and deeper and he pushed his tongue in my mouth and I let him.