I figured that wouldn�t hurt, right? Just for a minute.

So, he went to the bathroom and when he was done, he came out and I was waiting at the door to let him out. He tried kissing me and I didn�t resist. I let him kiss me and I let him push me back against the wall and I let him grind his knee against my crotch.

Because: I thought the less resistance I put up the sooner he�d be out of the apartment, the only place I had that was my sanctuary. The only place he couldn�t go. But he was there, and if I just let him get his fix and then he left I could be alone again. I could have the apartment to myself and I could cry myself to sleep yet again.

He got to have his little feely, kissy fix and when I pushed him back, very lightly, he immediately stopped. That confused me almost as much as everything else. That was the first time he�d stopped immediately without asking for something else or hanging on just a little longer. I thought that maybe there was some power to being in my apartment.

It didn�t matter though, cause I didn�t let myself think about it beyond having that initial thought.

But he left. Immediately.

The following week we went to a nearby park. We were walking and talking and he brought up the stupid subject of how he could decapitate my dog with a special ninja move. *rolls her eyes* That was the worst thing he could have said to me. Pepper was my baby. She was my best friend. No one fucked with her and went unscathed.

For me, there were three rules in my life at that time. You don�t insult, harm or threaten to harm my 1.) Dog. 2.) Mom. 3.) Friends. In that order. And I had an internal phobia about my throat. No one got away with grabbing my throat or even pretending to grab my throat. My brother had tried once, joking around, and I hit him, hard. OF course, I�d meant to punch him in the stomach. *winces* I missed. But obviously I didn�t hurt anything too badly since he�s got two kids. *winces again* But, he never, ever, ever even joked around about my throat.

Anyway, so Jonny decided he was going to show me how he would decapitate my dog with a special ninja move, his words, not mine. And before I could tell him not to touch me, he had stepped behind me, wrapped his arm around my throat and I reacted. Just reacted.

I took a step back, grabbed his arm and bent over fast. I then stepped forward, all of this taking place in less than 2 seconds. No lie. Before I could actually complete a blink, or complete a thought, I looked down and he was on the ground with my foot on his throat.

*shakes her head*

Two different thoughts went through his eyes. One was fear, the other was rage. The rage was the last, and was so completely potent that I stepped back immediately, fell to my knees and begged him for forgiveness, pleading with him about how sorry I was and I�d never do it again and I�m so sorry so so so sorry.

From the moment he walked behind me to the moment I hit my knees, no more than 8 seconds had passed. And trust me, when people talk about how a single second can last an hour... they�re not kidding. I could almost feel every motion, every command to my muscles as I hit my knees.

He was furious. I begged for forgiveness, cowering there, and that frightened, terrified little part of my psyche just shook more.

I�m not sure how it happened, I don�t remember the exact details, but he got up and we started walking again. I was actually physically walking behind him, my head bowed, my hands in my pockets. Had I been a puppy, I would have had my tail tucked so far between my legs that its tip would be touching my chest.

He was silent for a very long time. I could feel the rage rippling off of him. Absolutely rippling. pouring off of him like a flood. And I followed him for a long while, walking about three paces behind him.

We got to one part of the park and he started talking to me again, not much, but a few words here and there. And then, he just started kissing me. I didn�t resist. He kissed me a lot, and started his hands to roaming. And he felt and felt and felt. And he got me down on the ground and was kissing me more and more, pushing his leg against my crotch and feeling my breasts. And I let him. I didn�t fight, I didn�t resist.

And he had my shirt open, my breasts out of my bra and he was mauling them, roughly, squeezing and pushing and kneading. And I wasn�t even there. I wasn�t there.....

I don�t know how to explain that. But, I wasn�t there. I just didn�t exist there. I could watch myself and him. I could see it. I was looking down on myself, seeing him mauling me, grinding against me, kissing me roughly, and I was just a body, just a physical body lying there.

I saw him there, taking me, my shirt open for the first time, my breasts exposed for the first time. And it was day light. And there was a couple who walked past and sneered, shaking their heads at me. And I saw them. And my god I felt like I was going to throw up right then.

I don�t know if I heaved or what but I shook my head and pulled away from his kiss. I looked into his eyes and there was terror in my own and angry power in his.

I felt so lost and scared and.... completely humiliated. And other people had seen my naked breasts and they shook their heads at me and I felt so very violated. And I couldn�t tell him no cause he was already so very pissed off and angry. I don�t remember if he said anything to me or not. But I know that eventually I told him that I was feeling sick.

He got up and looked down at me, saying nothing, as if he were waiting for me to put myself together. As if I were such an incompetent twit that I might need help and if I wasn�t able to do it myself, he would leave me to be naked.

I had absolutely no doubt in my mind that he would have left me there. None.

I sat up, my fingers trembling so badly that I couldn�t actually hook my bra. I just left it undone. I was able to button my shirt, though it took me a while. He looked at me with complete disgust in his eyes, as if I should be happy that he would deign to be seen with me at all. And damn, how disgusting I felt.

He started walking toward the car, not a word. I followed meekly behind, so very confused and scared and.... and.... and worthless.

At the apartment, I didn�t even bother letting him come to a complete stop. As soon as he slowed down I opened my door. I stumbled a little as I got out, but closed the door quickly and went to the big security door, unlocked it, closed it behind me before Jonny could actually get his own car door closed. And I went up the stairs to my apartment. And I didn�t answer the phone and I didn�t let him in and I didn�t think and I didn�t feel.

I just rocked and rocked and rocked and rocked and rocked.

When I say I didn�t think or feel, I mean that. I completely shut away the conscious part of my brain. I wasn�t connected. I wasn�t there. I didn�t think. I didn�t feel. At all.

I�ve had people tell me that�s not possible. It is quite possible. It is extremely possible. I did it. I don�t remember how long I was there. I know that it was long after dark when I finally �came to� so to speak. I didn�t think about it. It wasn�t so much pretending it didn�t happen, I just... I just refused to think about it. I quite literally put it out of my mind.

I moved through my life for the next week or two, just on auto pilot. I didn�t think about much at all, and when I did it was all very generalized, vanilla stuff. I didn�t talk to anyone. I didn�t do much of anything but watch TV or go walk along the Hill, looking at all the �weirdoes�. Heh, yeah. Me thinking they were weird.

Anyway, I don�t remember if it was the next weekend, or the one following, but I think it was the one following. I went out with him again. Yeah, me, the idiot. *rolls her eyes* We�d been planning to go to a big church soft ball tourney for the past month and I really wanted to go. So we went. Neither of us talked about the previous week. Neither of us commented much at all. It was like nothing had ever happened. And I liked it that way. At least, I was comfortable with it that way.

The second we got to the parking lot, Becky ran up to the car. She gave a perfunctory wave to me then she and Jonny took off. That was fine by me. I closed my door and spent the entire day hanging around with Dan Sanders. *chuckles softly*

I remember that day with so much fondness for that first part of it. Dan and I just walked together and talked and watched soft ball games. People often commented about how similar we looked and how long had we been dating and stuff like that. Both of us blushed, neither of us really spoke about that either.

My heart still goes out to him. Yes, even today, so many, many years later. This coming august it will be 14 years since that day. *shrugs*

Anyway, we spent the day together and it was a lot of fun. We laughed and rambled and walked in contented silence. Then, Becky had to get home and Jonny was going to take her. So I left too. I got in the back seat and Jonny and Becky sat in the front. They held hands and told each other how much they loved each other. They played a tape Becky had made for him. She held his hand and cooed to him and loved on him and such.