Okay, so I�m here again. Yet more words pouring out from this screen thing. Isn�t that quaint? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, get on with it already.

So, to pick up with the story so far...

I mentioned before, with the astrisk spot that �And yes, it�s possible to have such a thing as long-term rape. Perhaps it�s serial rape. Perhaps it�s just one rape that takes place over, in my case 7 months*, a long time period. Regardless as to what you consider it, whether it was one extended rape, or many little episodes of rape, or something else entirely, the effects were/are long reaching.�

*Actually, that last physical contact wasn�t the last time I was raped by Jonny. And it wasn�t. Cause then I told. I told Mom and Dad. It wasn�t until about two weeks later, but I did tell. And I told them that it was really my fault that it started again, that I�d said it was okay for him to kiss me again, so it was my fault. I told them that he had forced himself on me and I knew it was my fault cause I let him in the apartment even though they said I shouldn�t. That it was my fault cause he had to go to the bathroom and I let him in.

Dad asked Jonny to come to the house to have a little talk. I didn�t want to see him. Mom said I didn�t have to see him at all if I didn�t want to. I said I needed to. I said that he needed to tell Becky what had been going on and I wanted him to... I don�t know. I wanted him to admit that what he did was wrong. If not to me, at least to her.

And so Jonny came down and talked with Dad. At this time, Dad owned the butcher shop and we had five acres. I�m sure that Jonny thought Dad was gonna shoot him and grind up his meat and bury the bones on the vast acreage.

After their talk was through, Jonny came in the house. He looked sufficiently cowed. I sat in the corner of the couch, curled up as tight as I could get, watching him. I told him that he had to tell Becky what we had done. He didn�t want to. I told him he had to and he should write her a letter which I would deliver.

So, he spent a few minutes writing out a letter. It was a full page, one side of a sheet of paper. 8.5 by 11. I read the letter when he was done. He opened the letter by telling her how much he loved her and that he missed her and a whole bunch of unnecessary bullshit melodrama. Then, in the middle of the page, he wrote, and I quote, �Jen and I have been kissing. I hope you can forgive me.�

Then the rest of the page was more lovey-dovey melodramatic teen angst bullshit. I stared at it then looked at him. We�d been kissing. Made it sound like he�d given me a couple pecks on the cheek. Maybe one good kiss. Nothing about forcing himself on me. Nothing about feeling me up. Nothing about trying to fucking rape me vaginally. Nope, none of that.

We�ve been kissing.

I couldn�t breathe. I stared at him in complete shock. He really and honestly thought that was as indepth as his confession needed to be. I shook my head and told him that the letter was bullshit. I told him that he had to tell her the truth. I told him that he had a deadline. He had to tell her by Trumpets (which is a church feast day, it was to take place about a month or six weeks after that specific day) or I would. I told him that. I told him that if he hadn�t told her by Trumpets, I would tell her.

He just blew me off and left. I felt so hollow. I�d stuck to my guns. I�d done it right. I�d come clean (sorta. Neither of my parents know the full story. In fact, this is the first time ever that I�ve told the whole story). I knew Becky had to be told. I just knew it. This girl was so in love with Jonny and she thought he was saving himself for her. She thought he was innocent and untouched. And he wasn�t.

So, I just withdrew more. I shook more. I cried silent tears, but only when I was completely alone. Sometimes, I would cry in front of Pepper and she would sit close, look into my eyes, whine softly and very gently lick my tears away. She was so good like that.

So, he didn�t tell. And Trumpets came around. And the entire region met for services together on that day. So Becky was there as was Jonny. and it got to be about 20 minutes before services and Jonny came up to me and said that he had talked with a friend and she�d said that if I could forgive him, there was no reason to tell Becky about it.

I stared at him, completely and totally dumbfounded. So totally and completely dumbfounded.

If I could forgive him she didn�t have to know. What? Are you kidding me? My forgiveness doesn�t matter one iota here. The fact that WE betrayed her, the fact that we have done everything BUT fuck while you�re engaged to her... THAT is what has to be confessed. If I can forgive you? Fuck off asshole.

Did I say any of that? Nope. I said, in shock, my voice quiet, �Does this mean you�re not going to tell her?�

He looked at me, challengingly. �Yes.�

I nodded. �Fine. I will.� And I turned and stalked off. I looked a hell of a lot more together than I felt, I guarantee you that.

I went back to the seats we were sitting at and my brother came up to me. I was shaking and looked so... terrified. My brother looked at me and this is one of those things I will never forget as long as I live. He placed his hand on my shoulder, looking into my eyes. I said Jonny hadn�t told her, and wouldn�t.

I watched my brother�s eyes and I was so damned close to tears. I whispered the words, faintly, �I can�t tell her.� He nodded slowly, tilted his head slightly and asked if I wanted him to tell her.

*smiles softly* That was the most generous and loving thing my brother ever did for me. the list is short, but that�s at the very, very top of it.

He went to her and told her. She came to me and asked me if it was true. I said yes. She asked me to tell her my side of the story, so I spilled it. I told her that we�d started kissing back in February on our first date and that every time we went out he kissed me and I kissed back. I blamed myself for not stopping it, for not saying no. She shook her head. I told her that the last time was the night of the softball tourney and that after he�d dropped her off at home, he started holding my hand and kissing me and how I couldn�t handle it anymore.

I told her, in this format, the patented run-on sentence, that I felt so guilty and I was so sorry for doing this, for being a part in it and could you ever forgive me and damn, I was so sorry and I swear that night was the last night I ever kissed him and I haven�t even talked to him since then and he was supposed to tell you but he wouldn�t do it and he wrote a letter that said we�d been kissing and would you forgive him and that was it and I didn�t know what to do and I was so sorry that I�d been a part of that and he said that someone told him that if I would forgive him he didn�t have to tell and I don�t know what to do and I said that I�d tell you and then I just couldn�t, I couldn�t make the words come out and I couldn�t even look at you and I�m so sorry and I am just so very sorry and god I�m so sorry.

She was stronger than I thought. She took in the information and at about that time, the music for services started. She looked at me and said she wanted to talk to him directly and would I be willing to be there. I said I would be there and I was stronger now. And she nodded and left to sit through services.

After the service, she found me and the two of us found Jonny and the second he saw us he tried leaving. He�d caught her eye and she�d seen him. He knew he couldn�t leave her. So he stood there as she asked him what had happened. And he said that he and I had done some kissing but it was over and it didn�t matter anymore because he loved her. And she asked him how much kissing. And he evaded the answer.