Mmmm, welcome to yet another day.

I�ve been downloading music through KaZaA. It reminds me a lot of Napster in the format. Regardless, I�ve gotten some really good songs which I have missed for a while. I�m currently listening to Queen, then comes some Vertical Horizon.

There are two songs that I got so far which I�m really thrilled about. One is the Karaoke version of Amazing Grace. This is just the music. I�ve sung that many times and I really like this specific version as I can get all loud and harmonic and such. The second song I�m really happy with is Come What May. That was one of the duets between Ewan McGreggor and Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. There�s something about that song that thrills me to my toes. Or something.

The effects of music have always been very powerful with me. I remember watching Highlander (the series). I used to love that show and I would watch it almost religiously. Yet, I saw the episode where Tess died. The song they played was Queen�s Who Wants To Live Forever. That was the perfect piece of music for the story line. But, the combination; Tess dying and the power of the music, were so perfect that I couldn�t watch the show anymore. All the fun was gone.

I haven�t thought about that in a long, long time. Interesting how that hits me so strongly. There are some things which happen in life that truly end an era. Tess�s death ended an era for me. The magic of the show was gone. Perhaps no one else knows what I�m talking about... perhaps no one else cares. It affected me so very strongly.

Like that, there was a specific time when Tiger (my RP character) died to me. I�ve gotten a lot of comments about how various people really miss RPing and how they want me to bring Tiger back into chat. *shakes her head* I can�t. Tiger served her purpose.

Tiger got sick, so to speak, when I started this diary. �TigreFatalis� has always meant, to me, �The Fatal Tiger�. There was so much meaning, for me, in that brief little phrase.

Hmmmm, how to make this make sense...

When I first tasted Role Play, I was about 19 years old or so. I started with a small group of friends playing ShadowRun. I had a good GM and we had fun. We met once a week or more, whenever we could all get together, and would play for a few hours... or more. *chuckles*

I moved on with my life. Or rather, life went on around me. I didn�t really take an active role for a long while. I got married and sunk deeper into that non-existence. Nastybad stuff.

But, long about August of 97, I found Yahoo Chat. At the end of August, that year, I was talking with a man by the name of Seth Lowe. I had accidentally followed him into an RP room. I watched the screen roll past with many different people describing their actions, thoughts, ideas. It was fun. There were wolves, elves, humans, trolls, ogres. *laughs* It was so much fun.

So, while I was there, attempting to converse with this man, he slipped into character. Me, being the person I was, I played along. I was flirtatious. I was lively. I was turning heads. *laughs hard* Here I was, sitting in my cluttered, messy, crappy old office while my husband was watching TV, and I was having fun. I was free. I had the whole world opening up before me. I had life in my hand. And I could be, do, feel anything I wanted to. My options were limitless.

It only took that one day. I was hooked. I remembered all the incredible things I was able to do through ShadowRun and decided that I would create a character for on-line play. Over the next two weeks, until about the 10th or so of September 97, I spent time watching those around me in this chat world of RP.

That specific time was literally the hay-day of Yahoo RP. Before all the bullshit with �Ayenee� and the �rules�. *rolls her eyes* ---Kellendil (sp) really had a very good plan to begin with when he set up the original �rules� page. He was attempting to give a basic guideline... something for the novice RPer to work with. The problem which arose was other people�s anal retention.--- During the brief months of about September 97 through maybe March 98, RP was a thing for fun, entertainment and relaxation. There were far more mature people RPing than immature little twits.

Erm... anyway...

In September, around my birthday, of 97, I changed my screen name to BurntTiger and started �The Lair�. *smiles fondly* The Lair was Tig�s place. It was imbued with her spirit, in more ways than one. The part which ties in here, is that I was imbued with Tiger�s spirit. I was able to live and exist because Tiger was so damned cool. *laughs*

Tiger was everything I wanted to be. She was my alter ego. She was based on my ShadowRun character from so many years previous. She had tech, magic, telepathy and other things. She is what people call a �power� or �god� character. And, I think I played her very well; in the beginning.

*smiles softly* Many positive memories assault my brain. There were some people that I just really bonded with. But, out of everyone I met as Tiger, the only person I still converse with, who was there from near-on the beginning, is Charles. The Forvalaka. Out of everyone else... the �greets� as they are often referred to...

James VonDoom
Lordston
Lady Alyx
Spectre Of Life
ForceWolf
Balscor
Souls Reach
Ogrim DoomHammer
Sterling Du Lac
Morgan Zara
Zorana Dragonkin
Leri Holth
Seth... I can�t remember her whole name
Hope Hubris
Buzz Lightyear / Doug
Angel Malachi
.........

*smiles softly, shaking her head just a little*

I miss them. And now? I would really like to get to speak with some of those people. Not the characters, but the people behind them. I would really like to see where they have gone in their lives. I would love to know how Lordston�s child is doing. When we first RPed together, the child wasn�t born yet. *laughs* He told me once that he envied me. He said I was living in the best beer country in the nation. Tig kept Lordston�s own special recipe, Imperial Stout, on tap.

*laughs quietly*

The RP was really good. The companionship was good. But the best thing, to me, was the life I felt flowing through my veins. It�s much like the movie The Matrix. RP on the �Net was the life I was living while my physical body was in a tank being used as a battery. *chuckles* It took me a long time to realize that. It took me a longer time to realize that I really wanted to be living honestly. I didn�t want to be sitting in a vat of some liquid (remaining sedentary throughout the day with my only social interaction being on the computer in a realm of sci-fi and fantasy) while real life was going on around me. I wanted to make the things I saw in my mind... *shrugs* I wanted to make them real. I wanted to be Tiger.

She was so cool. She was tall, strong, physically fit, fast, an excellent fighter. She wasn�t afraid to say anything. She was so very NOT a good girl. The Lair was her home. The Lair was... became my home. The thing that was interesting - in an after-the-fact-psychological-study kind of way - is that my Mother actually came into the Lair quite often. She liked it too. I had everything I wanted when I was on-line. The body I wanted, the skills and abilities I wanted, the men fawning over me... and, my Mom.

*laughs quietly*

The game of choice in The Lair was Truth or Dare. *laughs* It was a club. I felt so completely alive. And I wanted it to go on forever. But Ducan didn�t like it. He was even more angry with me because I spent my time on-line rather than with him.

My rationale was, why should I be with him in bed while he sleeps and I stay awake counting seconds, dying a little more with every one that passes? Why should I be in my chair beside him (not touching, just in the same room) while he watches the idiot box, bored out of my mind, remaining silent and still so that I don�t disturb his watching TV? Why should I �spend time with him� when all he really wanted was to have my physical presence? He didn�t actually pay any attention to me. He didn�t actually *gasp* talk to me. He just watched TV or slept. He just didn�t want.... well... I don�t really know what he didn�t want.

I always thought he didn�t want me to be out of sight for fear that something bad might happen to me. He didn�t actually do anything when he had me in his presence. He never actually said what he wanted, or rather why. He didn�t talk to me. His activities consisted of waking up, going out into the living room to watch TV and jackoff, get dressed for work, go to work, come home for lunch where he would make something for his lunch and then sit in front of the TV to watch Jerry Springer, go back to work, come home and have a beer or two (most often just one), make dinner and eat it while watching TV, grab a shower and go to bed, watching TV until he fell asleep. Sometimes he would go fishing after work instead of coming right home. On weekends, he would either fish or mow lawns or some such thing like that.

I didn�t see any reason to spend time with him. He was happy living his life the way he was (or so I told myself) and I didn�t give a shit what was going on around me. I had withdrawn so completely that there was nothing to me anymore. Tiger was the only life I was experiencing. And I ran with it.

I imagine it would be a lot like spending your whole life inside a tiny little box just barely big enough to breathe and then suddenly realizing the door is open and you can get out. But, not only can you get out, you can fly. So, on Tiger�s wings I flew.

There was a little life coming back into my physical body through the mental stimulation. I was moving around a little more. Through the RP I realized that there was more to life than just sitting inside my head in stoic silence. I realized that there was more. And then, I realized that I wanted more. I hadn�t wanted anything in so long that the realization was a little surprising at first.

On New Year�s Eve 97, Duncan went to a co-worker�s New Year�s party. He had said he was invited and I said he should go, that it would be fun for him. He would enjoy himself and get to relax without responsibility. I knew he needed some time to just get crazy and not have to think about the suck-ass situation we were in. I don�t remember if he asked me to go with him. I don�t think he did. I didn�t ask to go. I didn�t want to. It was just going to be a lot of people getting together to get drunk. This was NOT something I wanted to do.

*shrugs* I went on-line, of course, and had the Lair open. We had a great party on-line. I was drinking Pepsi and water, no alcohol. I didn�t realize what time it was until Duncan got home, at about 4:30am. He was so completely wasted I was a little surprised that he actually made it all the way home on his own. Of course, I don�t know that he was alone. *shrugs* (The co-worker�s house was two blocks away.)

---Ahhh, yes, I remember now, He did ask me if I wanted to go, but I said that I couldn�t walk that far. And, to be honest with you, at that time, I couldn�t. I wouldn�t have been able to make it to the end of the block. And we were in the middle of it. *shakes her head* It�s all better now.---

Anyway, he came home and was completely plastered. He tried to tell me about the party, but he wasn�t making any sense at all. In all the years I�d known him, I�d never seen him that wasted. Including the night I met him when he was so drunk he couldn�t really talk. On January 1, 98, he was so drunk he shouldn�t talk. Everything came out in mumbles and slurs and he literally had to hold himself up with his shoulder against the door jam and both hands on the other side of the door. *laughs*

He stumbled into the living room after completing his say. All I remember is that he said something about Truth or Dare and some interesting opportunities. I smiled, acted excited for him, grinned in all the appropriate places and told him he should try to sleep it off. He said he couldn�t sleep yet and would drink some water while watching a little TV.

Four times he tried getting me off-line so that he could call various numbers he�d seen on TV. I allowed him one... it was an 800 number, so I wasn�t worried about the toll charges. Then, he wanted to call a friend of mine, Shelly, and talk to her. I told him that she had children and didn�t need to be awakened. He pleaded. *rolls her eyes* He was a cute drunk. Finally I told him, flat out, that he couldn�t call her. He whimpered and asked why. I said it was cause it was too early in the morning and her baby didn�t need to be awakened by the phone.

Later that day, after we had both awakened, I asked him to tell me about the party. I wanted him to know that I would listen. He told me about a lot of alcohol and a few drinking games. Then they started playing Truth or Dare and the topic of wife swapping came up. I listened. He said that the offer of this co-worker�s wife was made... It wasn�t quite that crass, but... more like the opportunity for a little fooling around between the co-worker�s wife and Duncan. I don�t know if they did anything or if it was just a �joke� between Duncan and the husband/wife. I have never known. I suspect, but I don�t know.

It was about then that I really realized I needed to do something about myself. I was sitting in a messy, crappy office while my husband was out living life. Granted, the life he was living was shit, but he was at least out there. The life I lived was completely on a computer screen. I wanted more. I wanted to feel something, anything. (yes, I should have been more specific)