The word �Newbie� was tossed around like a swearword and those who were new to RP were treated with so much disrespect it was intolerable. Assholes abounded in the Yahoo chat system. Hackers love to wander the cyber halls and fuck with the regs in the Lair.

That pissed me off and helped in disenchanting me with Tiger.

Then, Tig got engaged to Souls Reach. She thought he was great. He loved her. I really, really liked Ranger (the man behind Souls Reach) and he liked me. I would talk with Ranger quite often, talking out of character. And, to be honest, I�m one of the few people Ranger would break character for. Man... what a fuck up. *sighs*

Anyway, Tig and Ranger were engaged for a good long while. Ranger would spend many nights in the Lair, but there was a time when his real life intruded and he was required to be off-line for almost a full year. It wasn�t quite that long, but close. In RP time, which was not necessarily the same as anyone else�s version of RP time... (I knew of one character who got preggers, delivered the children, raised them and watched them die in the course of about six months real time.

For me, I usually use a seven to one exchange. Seven years in the Realms (RP fantasy world) was equal to one year real time. So, Tig was alone for about five years. And, nearing the end of those five years, she cheated on Souls Reach. She broke it off with the other guy because she knew it was wrong. She believed that Souls Reach would completely murdilate her (my word) for her infidelity, but she remained chaste until he showed up one night.

She confessed her infidelity to him. He was pissed. Since Tiger was, in effect, me, I was also put through the wringer. See... Tig didn�t stop the infidelity because SHE felt guilty. Tig didn�t feel such things as guilt. For Tig, there was no such thing. For Tig... Hell, she would just as soon walk up and blow you away as shake your hand. She might do both. She didn�t care about consequences.

But I did. And because I thought there might actually be something between Ranger and I, off-line, I felt guilty about Tig being unfaithful. So, I had Tig call off the unfaithfulness and she confessed to Souls Reach. And Ranger was so fucking pissed off. He was pissed off with ME, not Tiger. He obviously thought there was something serious between he and I. And because his character was his alter ego just as Tig was mine, he felt that I had cheated on him.

Charles has told me, a few times, that RP is a consequence-less environment. For many, yes. For me? Obviously not.

Anyway, after that one night, Souls Reach was off-line for another long while. This time, he wouldn�t return my phone calls in real time. He wouldn�t communicate with me. He was really pissed off with me... He had personal experience with infidelity, just as I had. (my husband had three girlfriends, simultaneously, before we got divorced)

That was another big blow in the final death of Tiger.

Carrisa, Tig�s adopted daughter (and my good friend IRL (in real life)) helped tremendously. I kept playing in the Lair because, well, I kept expecting that sooner or later, the joy of the beginning would return. I kept hoping that sooner or later, all the old Regs would come back. I figured that the stupid assholes who tried ruining RP for the nice folks would go away.

They didn�t and they didn�t.

I felt lost inside me and I felt like Tiger was just bringing me down further and further. Every few months, something good would happen, which would make me think that Chat was on the upswing. Carrisa was one of those. Chance was another. *smiles softly* Chance, played by the Knocked Up Marmoset himself, Russell, became such an important part of RP for me.

Likewise, Vader became an integral part of RP.

But they weren�t enough.

They just weren�t enough to keep my fantasy world going. I started killing off my characters, one by one. Actually killing them off in the RP worlds they inhabited. My real life was getting better. The more I distanced myself from Tiger, the better my real life got. And that hurt. It felt a lot like I was cutting my own throat. I had lived AS Tiger for more than two years. Almost three.

I stopped playing in Yahoo chat. I just stopped going. It was too full of variables I couldn�t control. Tig married Vader and they had kids. Carrisa got married and had a little kidlet. Chance dated, but wasn�t foolish enough to actually ruin his character and get him hitched.

I kept trying to change Tiger to fit the person I wanted to be, instead of letting Tiger be herself and recognizing that she wasn�t me.

I started writing again. I began this diary at the behest of Affemann/Deus Atrox/Flatline, et al. I started getting the emotion out. All those things that I had shoved so deep inside me for so damned many years, I started shoving them out of my brain and body. I shoved them out of my pain-memory. I forced them out so that I could free up some space to become the person I really wanted to be.

It was amazing to me how very different I was turning out. And it was frustrating to the new regs of the Lair to realize that I just wasn�t setting things up anymore. That I had just grown tired of the melodrama. Catherine, Jesse, Vader, Chance, Carrisa... they all were finding something they loved in the Lair... and I was finding something I hated. I just couldn�t do it anymore. I couldn�t be Tiger because she wasn�t... me.

I had always said there would be a specific way I would �kill off� Tiger. And I have every intention of doing so. BUT, when I told Chance that I was gonna do it, he asked me not to. He said it was too soon.

As I got to thinking about it, I agree. It�s too soon to let go of her completely. Tig�s there. And once in a great while she surfaces again. But most of the time, I�m me. I really, really, really like the person I am now. I don�t want to �be� Tiger anymore. She has far more hangups than I do.

So, what was the final straw? I�m not sure. Getting a job had a lot to do with my not wanting to be Tig anymore. Hell, I was working. I was getting out of the house and I was immersing myself in real life once again. Slowly, and a little bit at a time, but I WAS moving. I was separating myself from that specific security blanket.

*sighs*

Hell, I don�t know if this explains anything at all. I have no idea where to turn this entry.

I suppose what I want to say, more than anything else in the world, is that I don�t need Tiger anymore. There was a long, long while when without her, I wouldn�t have remained alive. But, I have life. I have life in and of myself now. I don�t need to have some figment of my own imagination do my living for me.

And you know what? I like it this way. I know that it�s disappointing to most of the regs of the Lair that Tig just isn�t there anymore... but come on folks... I had to unplug. I had to get away from that fantasy world. Ignoring my real life in the hopes that I could run away from my problems wasn�t helping me. It was making me worse.

Sometimes a change in atmosphere will help. But most of the time, if you can�t fix your problems where you are, moving away isn�t going to fix them.

*sighs, shrugging*

Dunno, folks. I like my life. I still have a tender spot in my heart for Tig. But she�s just a character now. She�s not as much a part of me now. She�s just like any other character from any book I�ve ever read. She�s not my alter ego anymore. I am my alter ego. I am my life. I don�t need a stand in anymore.

Does that make any sense at all?