(part two. Read the first part first, folks)

Now, that sprawled across the page, let me attempt to tie it in with my main point; or at least use it to explain my main point.

I realized, as I had the above conversation in my head, that I have such a different outlook than does she, that maybe that outlook extends to other parts of my life. Therefore, I thought about other parts of my life.

I realized that my response to my sister�s pain was/is basically cold and callous. I don�t listen with empathy anymore. I listen with �uh huh� and �I see� a lot. I discount most of what she complains about because I�ve heard it so very often.

From this, I realized that I�m basically pretty callous. When other people talk about their pains and troubles, I�ll generally listen the first couple times and commiserate or empathize. But, when a person starts whining about it, I begin to shut down.

As with my Father�s plea for attention by whining, my usual response is the desire to either stick my tongue out and say �no� in as petulant a voice as I could manage, or to give him the finger. I have little to no patience when it comes to someone whining about something they could have avoided.

(My sister could have avoided all of this if she�d heeded my warning. I told her that my brother was not the man she wanted to spend her life with. I also told her that he wasn�t the brightest crayon in the box, nor was he the faithful kind. She smiled politely and then dismissed what I�d said because she was horny)

My Father could have avoided this whole heart attack/atrial fibrillation thing by eating a healthier diet, cutting out all the sugar and occasionally exercising.

When I look at my life, specifically my failed marriage, I don�t see all the things Duncan did wrong, I see the things I did wrong. I see my responsibility and I accept it. I do not discount his responsibility at all, but there are things that happened that only I know. There are parts of that relationship that could only have been fucked up by me.

I accept that and move on. It�s part of my life and that whole fiasco has given me a whole lot of information� I can trouble shoot my next relationship. That�s exactly how I intend to look at it. I know what Duncan did wrong, but I don�t dwell on it. I can�t fix or change what he did. I can�t alter another person�s life. But I can alter mine. So I choose to use the negatives of my life (positives too) as a road map for what I will or won�t do in the future.

Like that, in the grand scheme of my life, I have a very hands-off approach. When it comes to my actions, those I can control and change and play with. I can not, however, control someone else�s actions. Therefore, I don�t worry about them very often.

I have moments of frustration where I wish I could control or change someone else, but those moments pass fairly quickly.

This all boils down to the main point. Trust me.

Because everything is temporary in the above sense, those people I am close to now, won�t necessarily be close in the future. I used to have a need to hang on to what was lost. I am shifting out of that need.

If my Father dies soon, I will be hurt and saddened, but it will not end my life. Does that make sense?

See, that�s the main point. Right now, Russell is one of my best friends. Charles is another. Of those I consider to be my closest friends, those two are it. However, if tomorrow they were no longer my friends, it wouldn�t be the end of my life.

Man, that sounds cold to me. I don�t intend it to be cold. I would be saddened. I would probably be very depressed for a day, and then upset and frustrated for a while if I lost both Russell and Charles as friends. However, they don�t breathe for me. They don�t live my life. I can�t control them or anything they do.

See� It�s virtually impossible to say this. I�m dancing all around the nugget of �point� and I can�t make the words describe the idea.

Like I told my Father a few days ago, he was whimpering and complaining about how he could have died, I told him, point blank, �You�re going to die. Sooner or later, you�re going to die, we all do. I would rather it were later.�

That�s it. We�re all going to die sooner or later. I would rather it were later. But if it�s sooner, then so be it.

Man, that sounds so defeatist. I don�t mean it to. This concept doesn�t depress me or frustrate me. It�s just one more thing I�ve finally identified about myself. Everything is temporary. Friends, family, life, toys, food, pain, joy, happiness, sorrow, depression� It�s all temporary.

Sometimes it lasts a long, long time, but it�s still temporary. There is an end.

Because there is an end and we all (should) know that someday it will be over, my philosophy is to do the best you can with what you�ve got and let the rest worry about itself.

When Duncan and I were first married, we were at the Feast in Spokane. We were staying at a friend�s house. While there, their waterbed mattress split along an old repair. My reaction was calm, get the hose, drain the waterbed and move on with life. Duncan�s response was panic. He was pacing and fretting. He got frustrated with me because I was sitting on the porch, reading. He asked me why I wasn�t more concerned. My response was that he was worrying enough for both of us.

His pacing didn�t make the water drain any faster. His worrying didn�t make the problem any better. My worrying wouldn�t have done anything either.

So, I guess what I�m attempting to say is that because everything is temporary there�s no reason to get all freaked out about it. I suppose I should look a little more clearly at the map before heading out, but if I�m on the road, I�m not going to freak if I get lost. I�m not going to worry or swear if I miss the exit. Hell, just drive on and get the next one, or turn around and go back.

I still wasn�t able to get the exact idea across, but that�s okay. You�ll either understand intrinsically, or you�ll think I�m a weirdo. Either way it doesn�t matter in the grand scheme of things.

Like with the poster of Schwarzenegger, if there is one spot on one of the little pictures which make up the grand picture, are you really going to see it when you�re looking at the finished product?

Dunno, maybe you would.

Interesting thought fodder.