"I tip my hat... to the keeper of the stars... He sure knew what he was doin... when he joined these two hearts... I hold everything... when I hold you in my arms... And I've got all I'll ever need... thanks to the keeper of the stars."

Nice thought, eh?

"do the walls fall down... when you think of me"

Another interesting lyric.

"You are my life... you're my inspiration"

"My life, my love." -- I said that to my ex. I wanted it engraved on his ring. He didn't want it engraved. But that's okay, he didn't wear the ring anyway. Said it was dangerous to wear. Might get caught on something. Didn't wanna lose a finger or somethin.

*shrugs*

I understand.

"How do you like me now? How do you like me now - now that I'm on my way - you still think I'm crazy - standin here today - I couldn't make you love me - but I always dreamed about - livin in your radio - how do you like me now"

I love that lyric most. Out of all of them.

Makes me think of all those people who shunned me. All those folks who were mean to me. All those folks who didn't give me the love or attention I expected or sought.

===Don't get me wrong, here folks... I know full well that most of the people in this world go through feelings like that. Who go through times when they think the whole world is against them. I'm not saying I'm special or that I think I'm the only one who has ever been shunned. And, my mistreatment was very mild in comparison to most. In my mind, that's a given===

For those of you who are sick and tired of hearing me complain about Bryan, or talk about him at all... I'm going to again in this entry. You've been warned.

I was trying to write today and I just couldn't get anything out. I spent 45 minutes writing and came up with ONE paragraph. That's highly unusual for me. *smirks*

Then, I went to a different notebook (yes, I have different notebooks for different kinds of writing. That way when I'm with my niece and nephew and they want to write or draw, they don't get the notebook with the adult material in it. *smiles sweetly*

Anyway, I started in a new notebook, turned on some Bocelli and discovered, an hour later, that I'd written four pages of thoughts and ideas and..... well..... had a few insights.

I'm going to post some of that for you now.

So there.

There is such a longing in the soul. A need to be cherished and desired... to have a man - a REAL man, not a child in man's clothing - hold and caress me. But not just that physicality. There's more to it than that. The part that is really needed... it's imperitive... is that he cherish me. That he truly understand me and enjoy who and what I am. I suppose that's why it's so hard to "get over" Bryan. In our letters, in our phone calls over the first two years, he loved and cherished me. He accepted everything about me. All the negatives and all the possitives. everything.

he listened to me. He truly listened to me. It wasn't one of those, "Yeah yeah yeah, I hear ya" kind of things. He listened to everything. He remembers every comment, every fear, every thought, every hope, every dream. He knows everything about me. Absolutely everything. And he still loves me. He still cherishes me. He still wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

As friends.

he came out here in October. I knew after that first second, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Living with him. I wanted HIM. I asked myself if I could really be a cop's wife. I asked myself if I could deal with his faults. I watched him, looking for even ONE thing that would negate him as a marriage choice. There were a few that would make marriage difficult, but nothing that told me "NO".

It is not easy to find a person who loves and cherishes you. A person who sees everything you are and everything you aren't and STILL cherishes everything about you. It's harder to find that when you're fat. == If you're MORE than 100 lbs over weight, you can understand what I mean. You people who are 10, 20 or even 30 lbs overweight have absolutely no idea UNLESS you have been hugely obese for an extended period of time. And pregnancy doesn't count. So don't bitch at me about how I'm harping on the weight thing. In this American society, it is harder for hugely obese people to find peers that respect and cherish them. And harder still to find someone who honestly loves them. ==

But, when Bryan was here, he accepted everything about me. He listened to everything I said. And he loved my family. It was absolutely perfect. The two and a half years of letters and phone calls were so very worth it. He didn't change once he saw me. I didn't feel fat. I didn't feel disgusting. I felt whole. And pure. And perfect. I actually felt slender when I was with him. When he'd hold my hand...

I could see my life in his hands. I could feel the "rightness" of carrying his children. I could see myself as his wife. I could see my life unfold in his eyes.

But I never mentioned those things to him. I knew, from his letters, that he wasn't ready for that marriage thing. he didn't want to get married or get into a long-term relationship. So, I didn't say anything. I used my best poker face. I never spoke about marriage or children with him.

He brought the subject up to me, tho. I said I'd get married again. And when I did, then I'd have kids. But that's all I said about it.

We were walking along the water at that time, so he wasn't watching me. he didn't see me eyes. If he'd been looking at my eyes, he'd have known everything I was hoping for.

It was so perfect. Five days. The most whole, pure and complete I have ever felt. I have never before felt so pure. Not with anyone. Not even with my Mother.

How could I ever find something like that again? Would finding that again make it... somehow... less special?

Would finding such purity again mean that such purity wasn't special at all? But that it was ordinary?

Would finding that purity again mean that I were ordinary?

I don't want to believe that that feeling is... ordinary.

I don't want to believe that I am.... just.... ordinary.

I want to be special. I want to be precious and loved and cherished. And not ordinary. In any way.

I don't want to be special to the whole world. Just one person. One person who treats me as if I were special. Beautiful. Cherished. Not average. Not ordinary.

Damn it. Bryan treated me that way.

Oh fuck... god I hate crying.

See... I love him.

He just doesn't love me... the same way.

He loves me... As a friend. Like a member of his family.

God, I don't want to be ordinary...