Hmmmmm

Well, I was contemplating a tender, touching, loving entry tonight... But that idea just sucks. I'm not feeling loving, tender, touching and all that... I'm feeling... off center.

I'm conversing with a friend of mine who has recently asked me to post my life story. Or sorta. *chuckles* So, I'm going to do that. Now, I've warned all of you a few entries ago, that my life story was going to be like a five part-er. but, he still wants to know. And that's just til age 18.

So, tho I'm talking with him, in a round-about way, about my ex husband right now... I will avoid any further mention of D. *chuckles*

Okay... interesting things from my childhood...

One night, Thanksgiving of 69 to be exact, my Mother and sperm-donar got together. it was one of the few nights they actually had sex. Amazing how that works, eh? Have sex... get kid... Hmmmmm, interesting thought.

Regardless... They'd been married for about five years or so. I suppose. i don't really know, and I can't honestly say I've ever really cared a whole lot.

Is that too cold?

*shrugs*

Anyway...

They didn't have an extremely active sex life. But, that night, they "did the deed". And, wonder of wonders, I was conceived. Mom and the Sperm-Donar were living in Cali at the time. In the high desert. I'm not sure if they were still in Victorville or what... I wasn't really doing a whole lot of sight seeing at the time, so it wasn't of concern to me.

It was hot. Very, very, very hot. Mom was walking around the high desert of Cali with my not-quite-two-years-old brother. He'd been adopted around April-ish of 69.

The sperm-donar was a long-haul trucker. He would be gone for weeks at a time. So, Mom was left home, poor, with a baby, and pregnant. Interesting, no? Such an auspicious beginning.

Well, during all those hot, hot, hot June, July and August nights, Mom was talking to me, calling me Jesse and quite, quite confident that I was boy. She "knew" I was a boy.

Well, her due date crept up on her, and around the middle of August or so, Mom went back to Ohio, where Gram was.

Mom wasn't all that interested in having her "son" alone, and since the Sperm-Donar was gone for long stretches at a time... *shrugs* Seemed like the right thing to do.

Regardless... The due date came and went. *chuckles* Mom was rather surprised. But hell, I was comfortable. it was nice, and warm, and secure. There was good eats. There was no view, but that's okay, I was sleeping most of the time. Mom listened to some pretty good music, so there was tunes, man. *chuckles*

On the 16th of September, my mother finally entered the hospital. Most likely she was screaming and shit from the pain, but I wouldn't know. I don't think I cared much either. I just wanted her to shut up so I could go back to the way cool music and the continually-open smorgasboard. Hell, I was having the time of my life. it was a frickin cruise...

BUT, Mom was not interested in carrying me any longer. so, just to be a pain in the ass, I kept her up til 12:05am Just so that I could have my birthday on the day I wanted. *chuckles* And ya know what else? I decided to be born a girl. So there, Mom. *chuckles quietly*

Mom told me that during the entire time I was an infant, I had a very, very distinct cry. I didn't cry like other babies. It wasn't an all out, give me attention NOW kind of cry. I had a more..... Regal cry. Or, perhaps that should be royal... Whatever. Mom says it was an executive cry. Like I knew that Mom's job was to provide me with everything I desired or needed and that I had complete faith she would do exactly that.

*rolls her eyes*

So, Mom says that I had that kind of expression to my cry that said... "I'm hungry. Now. And, on your way, bring me that toy over there." *chuckles softly* Mom laughs about it, but I kinda feel a little guilty. I mean, I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to be commanding you or anything. Mom says that it was funny. But that I also had a sixth sense about when she and my Sperm-Donar were about to "get busy". That whenever they got close, which wasn't often, I would cry, loudly. But, not that high-pitched crying reserved for most children.

Dunno. Mom thinks it's funny. I kinda think that I didn't like my Sperm-Donar from a very, very young age. I've never liked being left alone. I don't mean, spending time alone. i mean, being left behind. And since the Sperm-Donar was a long-haul trucker, and not really invested in his marriage... he was gone about three and a half weeks out of every month. I didn't really have a father.

Well, I was gonna make this longer, but I"m getting tired, and it's really difficult to make this funny. Or rather, to put a humorous spin on it.

I'm pissed off with my Sperm-Donar because of what I think a husband should be. AND, because I have two brothers out there who know nothing about me. They don't know I exist and it pisses me off that I feel this emptiness for them. I've never met them. I don't know their names, really, tho I would imagine they kept their Father's last name of Craig. The supposition is that one is Douglass and the other Donald, but I just don't know.

their mother's name, as far as I know, is something like Doris Wiltsie. But, Mom can't remember, and I've never asked the Sperm-Donar. I"m not all that keen on him, in case you hadn't noticed that. I feel abandoned and like I was never good enough for him. He loved Dan. The kid he adopted. But when someone like him came along, he didn't like that. Dunno. I can't begin to understand him or his motivations, so I shouldn't be judging him so harshly. I have no right to do that.

I just wonder why he left. He was young. He'd been abused as a child. He'd married my Mother because she was "there". He was irresponsible. He was so young and immature.

He's married again, now. This is wife number five, I think. And this is the longest marriage he's ever had. This is Judy's first. *shakes her head* It kind of amazes me. *shrugs* I hope he stays married, tho. I really do. And I hope that Judy makes him happy. Hell, he's got so many problems with his other daughter. My younger, half sister. *rolls her eyes* There's a five part entry in itself.

Regardless, I'm going to shut down this entry for now, cause I've jumped from subject to subject to mood to mood.

Suffice it to say, I DID get born. And I WASN'T a boy. *chuckles* But, I'm alive. That's good in my opinion. I'm sure it's good in your opinion too, as it would be earie reading the diary of a ghost. A ghost that could type, no less.

So, Russell... I'll fill you in on more of this shit, later.

um

so there