Well, folks... I did a bad, bad, bad, bad thing. I got up this morning, and in the continuing search for my bank card (day two, by the by) I found my Metallica ReLoad tape. I popped it into the stereo and flipped on the comp, logged on, did all that preparatory stuff, and then, after Email, I loaded Flatline. *shakes her head* Just reading Flatline isn't bad. Just listening to Metallica isn't bad. But it just so happened that this specific song came on just as I started reading. It was like a one two punch. *chuckles* Got it from two sides at the same time almost.

You try it... read Flatline while listening to this song...

"My eyes seek reality
my fingers seek my veins
as a dog at your back step
he must come in from the rain
I fall cause I've let go
The net below has rot away
So my eyes seek reality
And my fingers seek my veins

The trash fire is warm
but no where safe from the storm
and I can't bear to see
what I've let me be
so wicked and warn

so as I write to you
of what is done and to do
maybe you'll understand
and won't cry for this man
cause low man is due

please forgive me

my eyes seek reality
my fingers feel for faith
touch clean with a dirty hand
touch the clean to the waste

the trash fire is warm
but nowhere safe from the storm
and I can't bear to see
what I've let me be
so wicked and warn

so as I write to you
of what is done and to do
maybe you'll understand
and won't cry for this man
cause low man is due

please forgive me
please forgive me
please forgive me

so low the sky is all I see
all I want from you is forgive me
so you bring this poor dog in from the rain
tho he just wants right back out again

and I cry to the alley way
confess all to the rain
but I lie straight to the mirror
that I've broken to match my face
and the trash fire is warm
but nowhere safe from the storm
and I can't bare to see
what I've let me be
so wicked and warn

so as I write to you
of what is done and to do
maybe you'll understand
and won't cry for this man
cause low man is due

please forgive me
please forgive me

so low the sky is all I see
all I want from you is forgive me
so you bring this poor dog in from the rain
tho he just wants right back out again

my eyes seek reality
my fingers seek my veins
mmmmmmm
mmmmmmm


Etc

ad infinitum

{{So, I read these words of someone I consider a close and much-loved friend. And it hurts me. Hurts not because there's something major that's wrong, just because I see pain that I can't take away. I see anger and frustration and confusion and I wish to all things holy that I could just snap my fingers and take that away.

Psycho, huh? Strange, neh?

Perhaps it's the lack of nic that has me in this mental quandry? No. I just really feel for my friend. I wish I could magically cure his ills. I wish I could just look at him and nod and poof... he'd have servants to do his every bidding, he'd have money out the wazzu... just tons of it, for whatever purpose he saw fit.... he'd have real friends. Not just a bunch of followers...

===== for those who are friends with Flatline IRL, that was not a slam directed at you. it was merely a comment on the types of people one draws when they become instantly wealthy.=====

And then, there would be some followers, some "yes men" for those times when my dear Flatline became the Addiction once again.

*shrugs* I just want to wave my little magic wand and make everything perfect. BUT, if I did that... then Flatline would be even more unhappy. See... here's the thing... Flatline has been suicidal for many, many, many years. Not outwardly suicidal, but having that inner need to cease to exist. That inner desire which tells you you're worthless and vile and corrupt and no one would ever find even an iota of value in you, thus you'd be better off just not being alive. It's not so much a desire to actively end one's life, rather the desire to have all the feeling end.

*shrugs* As I've stated before, many times, I don't know jack. I'm just spouting my opinions. I could be 180 degrees off about Flatline. Hell, I could be more than that. My point is this tho... ( one of my points ) Flatline is miserable because he's making choices which put him in miserable circumstances. He's making these choices because he feels his life is basically worthless. That there is no purpose to anything, to anyone. He has philosophized his way out of being alive. He's thought so hard and so long that he's nearly convinced himself that he doesn't actually exist.

Interesting concept? Not really. It's just my own supposition. Non-factual, non-asked for, no specifics... just a theory that hasn't been disproved yet.

Flatline is emotionally and mentally suicidal. He's just not physically, actively attempting to end his life. Seriously, folks. There's something you will learn about suicide.... (told you this was a bad, bad, bad, bad thing to do)... or that you SHOULD learn about suicide before you have children.

There is a very, very strong chance that you or your child will be or has been suicidal at some point in their life. Now, there are different levels of suicidal depression/oppression. There are those who were like my brother. Saying they were suicidal in the hopes of getting someone to feel sorry for them, make them crazy... That's an emotional vampyre, folks. Just in case you didn't know. He/she is there to play with your emotions, drinking in the fear, terror, love and attention you give, returning absolutely nothing but contempt.

Flatline has one layer that is the Emotional Vampyre. I"ve seen it. Experienced it. But that's beside the point now.

There is another sort of Suicidal individual... this person really wants to die. He wants all the pain to go away for the final time. He (or she) doesn't want to dance around the issue, he/she wants it done. NOW. And those are most often the one's who die.

Then there is a segment of the suicidal population which wants nothing more than for everything to end. That's the section I was in. I didn't want to actively kill myself, but I didn't wanna be alive anymore. It hurt too much. There was pain from every angle. Damn, I remember the feeling that started the whole suicidal thing. But I'm not the focus here.

This is the category I think Flatline falls into, or across. There's this deep-seated knowledge that he's not good enough, combined with the knowledge that he should be, combined with feelings and thoughts of failing too many times to get up and try again. And then you come to the REAL hard parts. Looking around you at everyone who tells you you're a part of their group... when you know better.

It's that whole living inside, knowing you're an outsider. You conform even tho every single fibre of your being is demanding that you stick to your own personality. But you conform because that's what's expected of you. You speak, act and talk the way your peers expect you to because that's what's expected of you, and God forbid you go against some mere mortal's suggestion... *rolls her eyes*

Okay, so I'm a bit jaded on that one. However.... Let me see if I can make some sense out of this long-assed diatribe.

Flatline is one of those who doesn't actively seek death, but he puts himself into positions where he will die slowly, killing himself off a little more every day. A place where all the layers of his facades, masks, whatever... where all of those will be stripped away, one by one, until there is absolutely nothing left.

Unless he makes the choice to live. *shrugs* But that's up to him. And ya know what? Whatever he chooses, is way cool with me. I don't want to change him. I don't want to alter him. I don't want to be another person putting demands on his psyche. I just want to "be" there. I just want to be someone who he is willing to confide in once in a while. *shrugs*

That would be really cool in my opinion. Oh sure, I'll spout my opinion, bitch, whine, moan, all the typical things the attention hound in me requires... But, my main purpose with Flatline... My whole desire as far as our friendship is concerned... I want to be someone who cares. That's it. Simple, complete, consice... I want to be someone who cares.


(getting back to the ORIGINAL point)
So, I'm reading Flatline while these words are entering my ears in this low, slow, "god help me" kind of music... Not a good combination.

I mean, granted, music, like diaries, are open to reader/listener interpretation. In this kind of media, when you're not inside the creator's head... when you're not REALLY inside their head, you can't know exactly what they mean. No matter how much you want to know what they mean, no matter how good your intentions are... Sorry folks, you just can't be there. Unless they've gotten that mind-meld stuff going... but that ain't available to the general public as of yet.

Regardless... From my own personal interpretations, my conversations with Flatline, my reading of his diaries over the months, my prayers about him (yes, I do that sort of thing).... through all of that, I have a picture, a mental picture of what I'm reading, dealing with, caring about/for/whatever.

No one really knows who/what Flatline is. Flatline doesn't even know. This is my speculation/opinion. When I was talking with him about previous issues and ideas, I realized what picture most accurately described him.

====For those of you saying "hey, his cover was blown, he admitted who he was, why ya goin with the charade, you confusing, nitwit wannabe?" Flatline is a different aspect. Flatline is not My Deceased Addiction nor was my Addiction Pennywise. It's explained in the main body of this post, so if you're through second-guessing me, we will move on with the entry and your questions will be answered. So there!====

Anyway... He and I were talking a while back and I realized what picture fit him. My dearest Flatline is an onion to me. Now, before you burst into laughter thinking that there's going to be a punchline... there isn't. I'm serious.

Many people, when they deal with Flatline, want to peal away the layers of his facades, masks, personas, etc. It's like they're mining for gold or something, and if they dig deeply enough, they'll find him... the real man behind all the facades.

*shakes her head* But they're wrong.

The more they strip away, the smaller he becomes. The less he is. It's like an onion, truly. With an orange, you peel away the skin and come face to face with the real meat of the fruit. With an onion, you have one or two layers of defense.. of outer skin that can be discarded... but if you're not careful, you will break pieces from the real meat of this "thing". And, many people continue to peel back layer after layer, looking for the reality, looking for the prize at the center.

The problem is... the meat of Flatline, is in the layers. Not at the center. When you strip away all the layers, there is no more person. It takes up all the layers in order to make up the person.

But, the similarities don't end there. yes, that's the most "profound" part of this entry, so if you were looking for wisdom and great insight... well... read Marn.

Regardless... Tho my dear Flatline is an onion in his layers of personas and personalities, if you cut into him, he WILL make you cry. And, if you approach him the wrong way, sometimes the smell isn't pleasant. However, if you take him for what he really is... for that complex person made up of millions of tiny parts (like a jigsaw puzzle) you will notice intricacies and complexities which could never be seen on a brief examination



"the door is locked now
but it's open if you're true
if you can understand the me
then I can understand the you"

That too makes me think of my Onion-ic Flatline.

"...what I've felt
what I've known
turn the pages
turn the stone
behind the door
should I open it for you...
yeah what I've felt
what I've known
sick and tired
I stand alone
could you be there
cause I'm the one who waits for you
or are you unforgiven too"

See... Now I know that Flatline is going to read this, and I know that at the VERY least, it will give him a chuckle. I've known him for a while now. Under many different names. Every name, every screen name, every persona, every aspect is a different side. Like the facets on a gem, like the petals of a rose, and like the layers of an onion.

If you disect him too much, you will find that you've disected him into non-existance. If you leave him, without a care as to communication, he will grow cold, hard, then wizzened, until there is nothing but a dry husk left... and a lot of dust.

I like my Flatline. I like him grilled with a few mushrooms tossed in. *smiles softly*

Seriously tho... This is MY interpretation of who/what Flatline is. And it's entirely possible that I'm way off base. But I don't think so. I don't really believe that there is any "thing" at the center of all these personas and ideas. I think the personas and ideas ARE Flatline. It's just that, today, we get the Flatline layer. A while ago, we had the Affemann (my addiction, in case you weren't following along) layer. Previous to that, Pennywise... etc. We had the RP personas as well.

*smiles softly*

Some of you may think that I'm a totally hopeless techno-geek for being into RP and shit... but cmon, think about it... I like Andrea Bocelli, Metallica and BOC... What kind of nerd has a mix like that? *chuckles* Okay, so that was totally unrelated and quite confusing...

However, the point of all this is to state this...

Flatline, your RP personas make up different layers of who you are. You who fought so hard to demand that it was "just" RP and not any RL aggression... *shakes her head* You knew I didn't believe that then, you know I still don't believe it. Cadoras was a front, Flatline. Whether you admit it or not, whether I'm accurate or not... it doesn't matter. This is what I see and believe.

I've watched you for a long time, a very long time, and I have noticed many of your layers that I don't like. *chuckles* Of course, that's to be expected. But, they're all a part of you. I like that.


Okay, so every thought I originally had in this entry is gone... my brain has taken a vacation and I'm left holding the bags at the airport.... *chuckles*

I think I'm just gonna close this then, cause a nap is really, really sounding good about this time. Always happens with serious introspection. Or something.

We now take you back to your previously scheduled programing....

"what I've felt
what I've known
so sick and tired
I stand alone
could you be there
cause I'm the one who waits
the one who waits
for you

I take this key
and I bury it in you
cause you're unforgiven too"

"But I can't bear to see... what I've let me be... so wicked and worn... ... so as I write to you... of what is done and to do... maybe you'll understand... and won't cry for this man,... cause low man is due.... ... please forgive me.... so low the sky is all I see,... all I want from you is forgive me..... So you bring this poor dog in from the rain... tho he just wants right back out again..."