9/15/00

Well, we come together to read yet another entry from this tired, achin, old broad. Now, before you folks start bitchin at me and everything. I have every right to be complaining of old age. I will be 30 on Sunday. Because I am nearing my birthday, I have the right to bitch and complain about my achin bones, my arthritic fingers....... *thinks a moment* Naw, just the achin bones.

Oh, and my eye.

See... today I went with my Mom to Astoria. That's where ya have to go if you want to get anything more than from a grocery store and such.

Anyway... the point... Joey was in the car with us, and when we stopped beside a truck with three dogs in the back, Joey went ape shit... I was holding him at the time. And, accidentally, he clawed me. from forehead to cheek along the left side. So my eye hurts like a bitch and I feel like I have to be wearing a patch. HEY, I can be a fraggin pirate for my B-Day.

*chuckles quietly* Or not.

My Mom asked me what I wanted for my B-Day. *sighs* I've never been good with this question. If I told her what I really want, she'd never be able to give that to me. Hell, no one can. The only person who can give me what I want has to make the choice by themeselves. *chuckles quietly*

I stopped asking Bryan if he was gonna come out again... I quit asking him about a month and a half ago. Just a week ago, I asked him if he was still thinkin bout comin out, or if that were postponed. He said it was postponed indefinately. *chuckles* Personally, I think that's a pretty good indication that whatever I might have thought was there, isn't.

I guess I"ve known a "relationship" with him wouldn't work and wasn't gonna happen for a while now. Hell... I probably knew it on a subconscious level in October of last year. *smiles softly* Not like it matters.

My Mom's probably right... What the hell do I have to offer a man anyway? If I can't clean, cook, look right physically... what the hell is there that a man's gonna want to live with eh?

That's not exactly what my Mom meant, so perhaps I should explain a little more.

What Mom is telling me... tho her words are cold to my ears, is this...

"What could he possibly see in you?" means... "What are you offering to him? What are you bringing to the deal?"

"How could you be of use to him?" means... "What are the skills that you're bringing into a relationship? What is it that you add that will balance out the things you don't have?"

*smiles* My Mom isn't that great with her bedside manner in talks like this... but the points are true, valid and 'right". *shrugs*

So, Jen... What do you have, what do you bring to the deal which will be a selling point?

I bring a kindness and tenderness most likely unequalled. I bring a loyalty and fierce desire to make sure the male/mate/husband/boyfriend knows that I am his alone. I bring compassion and understanding. I bring conversation, intelligence and wit (in some cases... but not today, cause I'm bitching about my aches and pains). Uh..... what else. well, hell... I know there's gotta be something else. but for the life of me I can't think of it.

I just think that I have this ability to make the man who is most important in my life, feel as if there could never be another person to turn my head. ......... But I"m so, so, so terrified of rejection. Frag me... I'm really a chicken when it comes to risking rejection.

That makes these 'net relationship/option things that much harder to deal with. *chuckles* Cause man meets the soul of me, meets the person I really, truly am on the inside. But that person isn't mirrored in my actions and words IRL, cause I"m so terrified that those folks in the real world are going to laugh their asses off at the poor little fat chick trying to be human.

Okay, so this entry has to end here. I'm totally spilling the wrong guts. *chuckles* And I'm moaning and bitching about shit which is so totally controlable. Kinda like... wake up, Jen. If you don't like your fucking situation... fucking change it. *grins*

So, I"m going to fucking change my fucking situation, fucking right, fucking now. *grins* Okay, so maybe I'm channelling Marcinko. I think I need to get some more Marcinko and read up again. Cause I always get motivated by his books. And that's what I need right now.

I need the motivation to get off my ass. Get a job so I can pay off my fines, get my liscense back in order, get a truck and then save the funds to move to a new place. All by the end of February at the latest. I think it's possible. Let's just see, tho. *grins*

Love and all to you and yours. I have no regrets. And the decision has been made.

And I will not change my mind. This is an all or nothing gig. I'm giving it my all and if the other person involved makes a choice that does not coincide with mine... I will recover... return home and start all over again.

Hell, I learned to walk again. I recovered from a divorce. I recovered from a lot of shit. Recovering from this new step... this new choice. I have information now that I didn't have before. All or nothing. I've made my choice. It's my all.

Wish me blessings.

Peace unto thy heart.