So, to continue with the previous line of thought, so to speak... I want to make this entry the continuation of last night/this morning's.

So, we start with the second part of Tasha's question. Tasha: : how do you decide what the right amount to give is? .. how much of yourself you let go of & offer up to the other person?

How do I decide what the right amount to give is?

*chuckles* it comes down to personal choice. And personal judgement. I use intuition as to whom I trust vs distrust.

Virtually everyone I talk to, right off the bat, is trusted. There are very, very few cases where that is not true. I make a conscious choice to trust everyone until they give me a reason to not trust them. If they want to know something about me, all they have to do is ask. I will tell everything I am.

*shrugs* But then, there comes the point of what I'm giving and in what situation. I really believe that Tasha was actually talking about being in a relationship, rather than just only friends or day to day activities/accquaintances...

Sheez... My mind just isn't into this tonight......

Perhaps I should go on to what's really in my mind and vent that, eh? *chuckles* Okay, that's what I'm going to do....

I was/am having a conversation with a friend of mine with whom I've not conversed in almost a year. A little less than, even. He and I met via RP in Yahoo Chat.

There was a time when I would cyber, both in character and out of character. Both as Tiger, and as myself.

Warning... you might want to skip this part.

I wasn't careless, I wasn't "loose" in cyber standards. But I was extremely slutty in my own standards. In my own opinion. In the three or so years online, I've cybered, written and RPed some extremely sexual situations... comments... etc. And, I'm good at it. By far, not the best, but I'm good. Some would say I'm bad. *shrugs* who cares?

I don't cyber anymore. I don't write sexual material anymore. I don't have sexual conversations either offline, online or in character. None of my more than 26 characters cyber or get involved in sexual situations anymore. This is a big change.

Some people don't know about it yet. Many people don't care. Most people, I'd imagine, don't care. But, as I was talking with my "Juggalo" *chuckles softly* He asked me why. *shrugs*

I told him I had chosen to be completely celibate. Again he asked why. And, so I told him.

I choose to be celibate for two reasons. The primary reason is because cybering/writing/being sexual to anyone I'm not married to is against what I really and honestly believe in. I really and truly believe that sex of any kind, belongs solely in marriage. That includes oral sex, masturbation, sexual thoughts, the whole shebang.

*smiles softly* This is an attitude not shared by many. In fact, I've not met anyone online yet who believes that.

The secondary reason might be the most important... dunno. But, I believe that if I'm going to be honest with anyone else, I must first be honest with myself. This means that if I'm pretending to have any kind of sexual relation with anyone other than someone I'm married to, then I'm lying.

I may be the only person who thinks I'm lying... but if I'm lying to myself in one area... how can anyone else trust me to be honest in any other area? Besides, how can I possibly convince someone IRL/offline that I don't fuck around, that I don't have sex of any kind outside of marriage, if I'm playing a character, or behaving sexually online?

The two personas go against each other. I can not state that I'm of high moral/ethical standards IRL and be playing around with sex in character/online. The two are mutually exclusive.

So, I chose to become completely celibate. That means, no masturbation; no sexual conversations online or on the phone; no heavy flirtation; no stories/poems talking about sex; no gratuitous sexual conversation... *smiles softly*

I don't always stick by that rule. Sometimes I slip up when I'm in character as Tiger. She's an overly flirtatious woman created to be sexually stimulating to both men and women. *shrugs* That's just the character she is... But that's not the person I am. That's not who I want to be, and it's not the attitude/style/persona I want people to see when they look at me.

I like to flirt. I enjoy it. And I flirt both IRL and online. However, there's a wide line I just do not cross anymore. I don't touch, I don't make suggestive gestures or actions...

*frowns slightly*

Damn, it's important to me that I get this out, and it feels like I'm pulling teeth to do it. *shakes her head* I don't know why it's so important to me... I guess for my own sanity?

There's a third reason I don't do the sexual stuff anymore...

Most males (not all, but most) respond very quickly and very aggressively/interested-ly to sexual conversation. That happened with Bryan. It happened with Duncan. It happened with quite a few of the males I've known in my short lifetime.

Using heavy sexual innuendo in conversations drew male attention... something I desperately wanted. But it didn't draw a man to ME, it drew males to the idea of getting laid. I'm worth more than that.

I don't want to attract a man just because he thinks the fat chick will be an easy lay. I don't want a man who is intrigued with me simply because of the hint of sexual gratification. I want a man who is interested in ME, not sex.

*frowns slightly* Perhaps I'm not clear enough on that.

Perhaps I'm pissing males off left and right... Dunno.

Think about it, tho guys... Are you more inclined to talk with the chick that sits back quietly, watching those who pass by, or are you more inclined to talk to the chick that's waving her breasts and ass around?

Tell me honestly. And I mean this. I want some real feedback either on the message board, Analyzer or Email. Do you males seek out quiet chicks writing in the corner, or do you seek out the chick in low cut top, mini-skirt, who's flirting, running her fingers through her hair and playing her finger against her lips?

I've hung out in bars, coffee shops etc for 9 years, watching "mating rituals" so to speak. I've noticed the same things in every single place. 99% of all men are drawn to the flamboyant, sexually dressed, aggressive and provocative females. In fact, in 9 years, I think I've seen two men/males who actually passed by the chicks screaming "SLUT" or "I AM SEX" in order to communicate with the "good girl". *shrugs*

Perhaps my perception is off...

Suffice it to say, from what I've seen, the guys who are drawn to the walking free-sex advertisements are not the kind of males I want. I don't want a guy interested in me just for the sex.

I've played the game. YES, fat chicks can turn men on just by being overtly sexual in conversation and mannerism. *shrugs* I've flirted in bars and drawn males to me (not in droves, trust me) But I've drawn their attention just by doing that hair-flip thing, the playing with the rim of the bottle after you take a pull from your beer... the whole schmeer... *shrugs*

I am not a bar-slut. I am not a whore. (I've seen bar sluts... gawd... ick) I'm not a horny female out to find a great guy who's good in bed. I'm not person who believes in serial monogomy. I don't want to meet someone through sex. I just don't. I've done that before and I don't like the result.

*shrugs* So, I suppose the main point of this bizarre entry is this... If I don't believe in pre-marrital sex of any kind... how can I possibly rationalize being sexually active online? How can I rationalize typing the words? How can I rationalize trying to turn someone on if I'm not married to them?

I can't.

So, I made a personal choice to become celibate. I will not have sex again until AFTER I am married. I will not get involved in oral sex, petting, heavy petting, necking... nothing of that sort, until AFTER I'm married. The only thing I will do before marriage is kiss... and hold hands. But none of the copping a feel shit... none of the sexual playing... NONE until after the marriage kiss. *shrugs*

I don't want to carry any more guilt.

As it is, I feel so disgustingly guilty for having cybered. it's something I am deeply ashamed of. Very, very deeply ahsamed of. I am scared, as it is, that the man who takes an interest in me, will be disgusted because I was not willing to wait for him. That terrifies me.

I can imagine many of you laughing right now. I can imagine many of you looking at this and thinking... "My god, what a flippin 'tard... How the fuck can oral sex be considered sex? And she's gonna fuckin wait until her wedding night to experience the act with her guy? My God, what if he's a lousey lay?"

*chuckles quietly* let me put it this way, as to that last part... There's no way in hell sex could be any worse than it was with my ex. there simply is no way. If there is some problem between my someday-gonna-get-one-again husband and myself, and sex is something that doesn't happen... That would be far better than the sex I've experienced so far in my life.

*smiles faintly* And still... I feel used. I feel disgusting and repulsive simply because I have had sex before. I feel foolish and extreme shame because I have chosen to behave sexually when I wasn't married. (meaning, my online shit)

IRL I've only had one sexual partner and that was my ex. But, I hate that part of me. I wanted.... oh, God, I so wanted to be a virgin for my husband. I so wanted to only marry once. I so wanted to have a loving, tender and kind husband who would protect me and see through the shields and defenses that I'd raised because of stupid choices I'd made long ago......

Damn it.... every problem I've EVER had when it comes to relationships.... every single problem revolved around sex. Every single one.

I won't repeat that.

My next relationship will not have anything to do with sex until after I'm married. I refuse to feel like a whore ever again. I refuse to feel humiliation and shame ever again. I refuse. I don't like feeling shame.

I don't like looking into the eyes of a man only when he's NOT looking at me. I don't like being unable to actually meet his gaze because I feel shame. I don't like not being good enough.

I won't let that happen again. Not ever.

*smiles faintly*

so much for having anything clear and consice to say, eh?

*shakes her head* Sometimes I think I over-react to most everything. But that's probably an over-reaction.

*chuckles, winking*

C'est la vie, non?

Oui.

Peace unto thy hearts....

And comment on my analyzer right down there... that link, right there, see it? The one where I'm BEGGING for attention? THat one? See it yet? Yeah, that one, right there... Go on, click it. I see your finger poised over the button. Please, cmon, click it. cmon, you know you wanna...................

Toodles...