===== This entry is way too long to post as one single entry... so please read it in parts. But it's a continual entry.... Thanks for your co-operation.=====

Good morning... Or something....

It's been strange for realizations here as of late. Granted, nothing bizarre or dangerous or anything melo-dramatic like that...

For those of you who know me, you know that I don't dream much. Hell... previous to this recent past... this recent year... I had about three dreams in 10 years. That's not a lot of dreams, folks.... But, in this past year, I've had about 15 or more... this is kinda surprising to me.

The last time I dreamt so frequently was in September of 90. I had three seperate dreams which were recurring. All of them were more horrifying, more angering and terrifying to me than "dreams" are supposed to be. I won't go into detail or anything unless I get an overwhelming influx of requests to tell...

However, these dreams of the past year... specifically the past six months... They've been positive for the most part.... nothing negative... it's been like my sub-conscious is once again speaking to me. *chuckles softly* It seems strange to me, but also very.... *frowns slightly* Normal.

I believe that music is a large part of this.... Music has been my savior. Role Play has also been my savior... it's strange folks, but try to hang on while I explain this.....

About three years ago I started

.

I converted Tiger from an old ShadowRun Role Play Game character to an online RP character. I added a little, made her more me... or rather, the me I wanted to be at that time. My marriage was over, but I hadn't yet realized it. My life was absolute shit and I refused to realize that. I was about as low as I could have been, I think. Dunno for sure.

Anyway... I started RPing Tiger... she was everything I wanted to be... tough, independant, strong, slender, gorgeous, sexy.... and popular. I had never been popular... ever. Not in any group of people I associated with IRL (in real life). I loved Tiger, and she was so much a part of me... specifically because she was the me I was proud of.

She'd had a bad past... very bad. Far worse than mine could ever be. I didn't have a great past... it wasn't all sunshine and roses... but compared to most of the people in this world... I had it easy. Regardless... I felt like she could do anything, and that meant that I could do anything through her.

She had men falling all over her, another thing I've never experienced unless I was singing. *shrugs*

=== I remember one instance after college... I was out at karaoke with an at-the-time friend... she was the type who ALWAYS got the attention. She expected it and got it. I was the Good Girl, always sitting by myself, writing or just simply drinking my pepsi, waiting to sing.... *smiles softly*

She was the gregarious, blatantly sexual, big haired blonde, dramatic (not classy, but dramatic) make-up, big breasts... ya know the type... She had been a theater major at college, where I"d been a Classical Voice major...

Erm... anyway, she and I had gone out... this was the first time we'd ever gone to karaoke together as she didn't sing... It was one of my hangouts... when I walked in, people said stuff like, "Hey, Red's here", but then they saw Robyn and were drawn to her... me forgotten for the most part.... She liked that... it's what she expected and what she usually got. And, while we were sitting at our table, people came up to talk with her, ignoring me.

*shrugs* I didn't care about that. I was used to it. At Karaoke, people would wave and such, but they didn't walk up to me... once in a while someone would send me a drink or something... but there wasn't any conversation or anything unless the host of the karaoke gig came to my table...

Regardless... that night, I sang really well and did some song I don't normally do... don't remember what it was... but I aced it. I just nailed the fucker to the wall... every note perfect, on key, rhythm dead on, style and intonation perfect. I just said my typical "thank you" and sat back down with Robyn. From that point on... people came up to the table and spoke to ME. Not Robyn. She was ignored. She hated the fuck out of that, but I just smiled, nodded and murmured a few words, then turned back to Robyn, thinking that it was just a fluke or something.===

So... I liked Tiger cause she was everything I wasn't but wanted to be. And she was gorgeous. She stood 6'5" in her boots... wore black leather gear, duster... she knew how to wield her Katana and Wakizashi with perfect, deadly grace and she was dead on with the HK 9mm.

*smiles softly* She was strong. Never feared anything or anyone. And people liked her. They really liked her, for some reason. I still don't know what that was. So, I found RP to be an incredible escape. A world into which I could dive where I alone could control the outcome. If I didn't like the way things were going, I could leave... or I could invoke some kind of magic or something and render the person bothering me, silent... or dead...

And.... I didn't have to suffer guilt, because I wasn't actually hurting anyone. I wasn't actually grabbing the asshole that pissed me off. I hadn't actually ripped his throat from his neck... *smiles softly* As Charles says to me, often... it was a consequence-less environment.

*sighs quietly* I have to leave this... my brain is getting confused... I'll re-read it and continue in just a moment.

So, RP became an escape from the real life shit that was goin down. My marriage was gone tho I was still married to the guy. We didn't talk anymore. He was off working or fishing or drinking with his buddies. I turned to the world online... it became more than just a couple hours a night. I started playing online while he was sleeping. We'd never had the same sleep schedule. He was a morning person. I was a night owl...........

That's beside the point I wish to make. Anyway... the dreams...

I"ve had many, many dreams lately. I mean, in the past week, I"ve had about three of the same general topic/meaning. I attribute that to the RP and to music. I've been listening to music a lot lately... not just having it on in the background, tho that is the case nearly 24/7... but I've been playing the songs that Charles and Luc have suggested to me. I don't have speakers on my comp so I'm required to listen through headphones.... Thus I actually get caught up in the music instead of having it just float around in the background.

So... Right now I"m listening to CandleBox Far Behind. A suggestion from Charles. I hear the words, and they seem to enter my ears and travel directly to my subconcious where they stay active to bring up pleasing memories in my sleep....

"And I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

That's from the Goo Goo Doll's Iris

That's the way I've been living my life for the past decade and a little. Since the shit with Jonny. I shut down when that shit happened to me. I started firing on about two cylilnders, when originally I'd been a V-12. *smiles softly* After college and Graham and then Puyallup and *shudders* Dallas.... (a person's name, not the city) I was down to firing only one cylinder.... and only part of the time... After Tom and PLU... in December of 90 that final cylinder just quit firing at all.

I'd lost all hope. I had given up. Completely.

I was moving around my life as a car rolling downhill. I was coasting and running out of power, running out of speed... Damn, I was really bad off... In February of 92 I met Jim, Stuart and Petar. I spoke about Jim a while back... wrote the poem "Rain" for him... Anyway... I met them and somehow, the contact with them cleaned me up a little... I still wasn't running on full power, but I was back to running on about two cylinders....

(by the by, these are automotive references for any of those out there who might be even less knowledgeable about cars than I)

I hung out with them every weekend. I was the only girl. Fine by me. I dind't act all that female. I never have. I'm not one of those girl-girls... as you well know by now. *smiles softly* I was still hard and cold... mostly frozen inside... but I wasn't completely dead anymore. The longer I hung out with Stuart, Petar and Jim, the better I got. I got to the point, after Jim and I started "unofficially" dating, where I was running on four cylinders... still nowhere near my capacity... but a lot better than before.

Then, My Grampa was diagnosed with skin and throat cancer.

That killed me... I wanted to go down to Cali to see him one last time. God, I so wanted to go. But Neva kept telling me, "Not this week, dear". I know she was worried about his health and all... and I know that I was just a step-grandaughter to him... but hell... I was his first-born-daughter's kid. Didn't that count for something?

*closes her eyes a moment* Regardless... In June, like the first week of June or so, Grampa died... I was supposed to go down the "next week". *shakes her head* I was in Spokane at the moment... I was staying with a friend of mine... had gotten a job, just a week's gig, playing piano in a Mall... an hour on, move to the other end of the mall, play an hour there... and back... Just five days. Played three hours a day I think.

Regardless... I was called in Spokane... told that Grampa had died and was told I should fly down for his funeral and memorial. But I was only allowed to stay for the weekend as Neva couldn't handle more people. *shrugs* But, I was asked to sing at the funeral. Neva wasn't sure about that, but I think Grampa had requested it or something... dunno.

=== Continued in next post... if it's not up yet, wait about half an hour and come back... thanks, folks===