10/11/00 11:48a

HEY FOLKS... I just signed up with Notify List. So, if you want to be notified each time I post an entry, by all means, please sign up for my list. The little cheater box is over there to the left, and down a bit.... Please sign up so I can feel a little more important. *grins* Love ya, Darling... You know you're my favorite!!!

Flatline is my hero today. I'm currently listening to God Called In Sick Today from AFI. I can't hear all the words yet... often it takes a few times through before I figure out the words, but the song is compelling. Flatline has been on an AFI kick lately. I understand. The song pulls me in. I suggest listening to in in Winamp... not Naptster... You can fine tune your Winamp so you can bring up the vocals a little more than the music....

Of course, then I slip into one of Charles' selections/reccomendations; Far Behind from CandleBox. I really like this one too. See... what I was trying to get into with that hella-long post over the weekend was this...

Music is once again pumping through my veins. As a child, music was my escape. Music was my life. Music was my soul. Music was the only thing that never turned on me, that never screamed or yelled unless I wanted it to. Music was passionate without being scary. And music never hurt me.

"And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"

This song really says everything I want.... Iris from Goo Goo Dolls

*smiles softly* It really does. This sums up everything that I feel, everything I think, everything I want, everything I have been for so long and everything I want to be. And they're lyrics... it's not just the lyrics, but the music itself. It's so completely powerful for me.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
cause I know that you feel me somehow
you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
and I don't wanna go home right now

I don't know if I would actually give up forever... but I know, for sure, that I have felt that..... need. The need to FEEL something. I just.... *closes her eyes, thinking with her eyes closed, maybe the words would flow* Granted, this song is aimed at a person... and yes, there is a man.... a man I would give almost anything for. A man I want to just..... touch.... just look into his eyes and pray to God he looks at me the way I look at him..... The longing and desire are so strong... so completely over pouwering.... I want to look upon his face.... to look into his eyes..... to see the fear there that echoes my own...... to see the hope and desire that are so desperately trying to win....... God, I must sound like an absolute dork.....

But it's there.... I have yet to see him. I've known him for three years. I have yet to see him, and I'm terrified that I'm going to say something or do something or feel something that I shouldn't. I'm terrified that I'm going to throw this all away before I've even gotten to see his eyes... before I've even gotten to toucch his face... just once... just to reach out and brush my fingers against his cheek... to prove to myself that I'm not dreaming.......

It terrifies me..... thrills me, fills me, drains me..... all of these emotions coming to my very soul, coming from my soul..... I must sound like a complete ass. Hell.... he reads this diary..... Perhaps I just shouldn't post this entry..... but..... that's not the way I work. I won't hide it from him out of fear..... Hell.... perhaps he won't read this entry..... perhaps I'll scare him away...... Or.... what's even more scary.... perhaps he WILL look at me with hope and honesty and desire for who and what I am..... and maybe I'll fuck it up..... or..... maybe I'll be happy.

Gah..... that probably sounds more stupid than anything else I"ve ever written here.... but... it's honest...... I am terrified of finding what I want..... and I don't really know why..... I used to think it was because I would berate myself for not finding it earlier...... but that's not it..... If I'm happy..... If I look into his eyes and he looks at me the way I so desperately want him to, and not just anyone.... but him, no one else..... If I'm happy.... what happens next?

Gah...... there's so much fear.

But..... back to the song......

and all I can taste is this moment
and all I can breathe is your life
sooner or later it's over
I just don't wanna miss you tonight

I feel this... this..... need..... Every moment I spend with him in conversation feels this way. It's as if I were only breathing because he is there. I know that there isn't very much that lasts forever anymore, but, I just so want to feel him, to touch him, to look into his eyes and see everything I'm feeling, but stronger....

I miss him..... so much..... I know that I can't have him forever, because we all change.... in the end we all change..... but I don't want to spend another night wishing I could just hold him.

And, please don't get me wrong here...... I'm not talking about sex or even sensuality..... I'm talking breath... life.... passion.... just to touch his life.... just to have him touch mine.... If there were never a kiss, if there were never a sexual touch, it wouldn't matter. It's the purity I want.... to see him open and raw and real... the way he is to only one person in his life.... and for me to be open and raw and real... the way I am to only one person. I want him to know my every secret.

And that terrifies me.

I don't know if this is love.... Love seems to be such a ..... trite and uesless word in the vista of my mind right now. I've had many people say they love me..... *shakes her head* Love doesn't mean what I feel inside me.... love isn't what I feel surging through my veins..... but passion does. Passion is more than love... it's bigger... more complete.... more full.... more real... and more tangible.

I don't want the world to see me
cause I don't think that they'd understand
when everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

That's it! Exactly. I don't want the world to see me.... because I really don't think the world could understand who and what I am. And in this world... it seems like everything is made to be broken.... it does..... look around you.... at all the pain and dispair and disease and all the things that are falling apart in the wind..... It's like.... nothing is made to last anymore. But, I want him to see me... to know me... to know everything about me... to see me from the inside out. I want him to know who and what I am. Always.

and you can't fight the tears that ain't comin
or the moment of truth in your lies
when everything feels like the movies
yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

I have, for so long, felt so numb.... the tears wouldn't come... There were times... like when I was listening to my husband fuck his girlfriend.... that I tried to cry... I tried to fight it..... I tried to feel something.... but there was nothing there..... there was nothing to fight...... I was empty inside..... I was drained.....

And, I saw the truth in my lies..... I had told him, told the girlfriend(s), told everyone around me, that I didn't care.... That was a lie..... but it became the truth..... I did care, but I lied about it to myself and to them.... and I lied so convincingly that it became truth. In order for someone to care, they have to feel. I shut down so completely.

And now? I refuse..... absolutely refuse.... to lie that way again. Ever. That's why I don't delete this entry. That's why I'm going to post it even tho it terrifies the hell out of me. I don't want him to read this on the outside chance he will laugh..... or be scared..... or in some other way, sever the friendship...... but, this is what's going on inside me, and I refuse to keep it bottled up..... I refuse to lie anymore. I refuse..... If he doesn't want me..... I can live with that..... but not if I don't tell him..... not if he never finds out..... then I"ve cheated myself and lied and...... well.... you get the picture..

And yes, there have been times when the "world" seemed so surreal... as if it were nothing but a movie set, and that I were observing from some distant plane of existance. And, there were times when I felt alive only because I saw blood pouring from my skin. There were times I knew I was still alive just because of some physical pain. I was dead to everything else....

But I feel new life now. And I like it. I don't ever want to feel so lost, cold and alone ever again..... not ever.... and if it hurts like a bitch to be rejected.... it hurts more, after the fact, to never take the chance.

So, I"m taking the chance..... I'm showing him exactly what I am.... exactly who I am..... And what I could be in the future.... and this goes beyond the physical.....

I want him to know who I am.

No holds barred. No punches pulled. No lies. No denial. No covers. No masks.

Without music, I am nothing. Literally, nothing. The music is my soul. The music is my blood. Some people exist on coffee. Some people exist on drugs. Some people exist on physical activity. Some people exist on sex. I exist on music. I am music. Like Andrea Bocelli is music. I am music. And without it, I am nothing.