===Slipping from the headphones... I Wish It Would Rain Down: Genesis===

Well, good evening friends and loved munchkins. How are you all tonight?

It has been a long day already, but there are no problems so far and that's a good thing. I'm still a little tired from yesterday's foray into Relative Ease child care. *chuckles quietly*

===Slipping from the headphones... Hold On My Heart: Genesis===

Ya know... that's one of the things that I really do enjoy fondly from the time I was married. My ex and I would go to Mom and Dad's place and spend a day (two hours, max) cleaning... ya know, bathrooms, bedrooms, floors, windows, the whole schmere. And we'd leave a note when we left. Since I was "the kid" I always had a key to Mom and Dad's place. We'd show up one day while they were gone and just clean then leave.

The notes we left were alwasy something like this...

Courtesy Call... Thank you for your patronage. -Relative Ease Cleaning Company

*smiles softly* It was so much fun to do that... to just give them that little surprise.

===Slipping from the headphones... Sogno: Andrea Bocelli===

I remember another first for family things... we took Mom and Dad out to dinner a couple times... Dad's always grabbed the check and paid it. Once, Duncan excused himself to "use the facilities" and came back, having paid the check. Complete.

That was a really big deal to my Dad. *smiles tenderly* I remember the look in my Father's eyes when he realized the check had already been paid. *grins* He was amazed. And he raved about it many, many times. We were the only ones who have ever grabbed the check. *smiles tenderly*

That's the part that really hit my Dad. I loved that look in his eyes. I felt so loved... so appreciated. Like I'd done something very right. *smiles softly, happily*

I suppose I'm bringing this up because I"ve just spent the past couple hours with my folks... no anger, no sniping, no annimosity. It was fun, and wonderful, and bright and joy-filled.

===Slipping from the headphones... River Of Tears: Eric Clapton===

I got the chance to remember what it was I loved so much about my family. And it sparked these wonderful memories... Thank you, for this memory, my Father. Thank you.

I'm sitting here in my room. It's really cold outside tonight. It wouldn't surprise me if it's only 35 degrees out there. But I have my window open just a little, I have some Drakar Noir insense burning... two small candles, Eric Clapton pouring into my ears...... *smiles softly* I have a blanket over my lap, my big sweatshirt so warm and bulky around me... and Joey asleep at my side.

This just feels so.... safe. So warm and gentle and complete and secure. *smiles tenderly* God is definately good to me.

I'm no longer pushing myself to get "work". I have to work on the newsletter and the new diary site. I have to build up a few sites and do quite a bit of computer work. God will provide me with what I need. And what I want.

I feel so.... gentle. So mellow.

I had some serious RP a couple days ago where one of my characters was killed off. At first I thought I was going to be depressed about it.... *chuckles* But I'm not. If you want to read about it... Tiger's posted an entry about it, so you'll get the main gist. Tiger's Diary.

I'm amazed. I just feel so.... *frowns slightly* Like I'm moving in the right direction. My Mother's big push for me is school. But I"m not supposed to be going to school right now. I've had a big push for working... but that's not what I'm supposed to be doing either.

===Now Playing In The Air Tonight: Genesis===

Right now, I'm supposed to clean my room, get my physical act together (getting physically healthy) and work almost exclusively on the newsletter and web site design. So, that's what I'm going to work on.

I feel good. Mentally good. I watched a video of my Father's B-day dinner from this last weekend. My Father got that video camera as an early B-day pressent, remember? That whole inter-planetary MCI Friends and Martian's plan entry. *chuckles*

Anyway, I saw me on the video. I don't like the way I looked... so large and depressed looking. I looked unhealthy. Not just physically... but there was a .... I don't know... a slightly diseased look in my eyes.

I don't feel that way anymore, tho. And that's really cool to me. I was looking at myself and I saw the person I am physically... but, for the first time in my life, I actually saw what I could be. *smiles softly*

This might not make much sense to you... but I understand it.

===Now Playing Land Of Confusion: Genesis===

I have spent so much of my life over the past ten years, hating what I looked like, hating what I was, hating the fact that I wasn't anything special... or, at least, that I didn't see myself as anything special. I now see more.

I think that's due partially to my recent re-introduction to the power of music in my life... partially to my accepting my "place" (focusing on God, rather than me) and partially to the death of Jessie Lee (the character).

That may seem to be contrived and foolish, but I've said before that many of my internal problems are solved through role play. And they are. I've come out of a lot of bad episodes in my life due to role playing similar situations. I find that Tiger, my main character, comes up with some really interesting and true comments and insights.

I like that.

I've also admited to myself how important my family is to me. I used to think that my family was a special thing, but something only temporary... that I was "stuck" with them. Tonight, I just.... *chuckles at herself* I feel happy to have been blessed with the family members I have. Even my brother.

My outlook on life is always better when I do bible study and prayer every day. Always. And, things just seem to flow together so much better.

===Now Playing Techno Remix: 6 meg... Carl Orff===

I feel good, folks. Not a giddy feeling... not some temporary high... I feel "good" Like I"ve finally found my place in life. I would imagine this is kind of what people feel like when they've righted some wrong... Perhaps the way people feel when they've overcome a physical weakness... Making a choice that goes against their negative inclinations...

*shrugs* Dunno... perhaps I'm reading more into this than is really there. But I just... I feel "right" Not like I"ve won some argument or something... but "right". Like I've made the choice that will send me on my path... the correct path for my life.

For those with whom I will no longer be traveling... Thank you for your company while we walked the same path.... May peace and self assurance follow and surround you through every step.

For those of you who are curious as to the "project" I mentioned yesterday (or was it the day before?) I have started the new diary for that project... It is religious in nature, so those of you who don't appreciate such discusions, you're not going to lose any "friend-points" if you don't go there. *chuckles*

I will only be updating that diary two or so times a week. sometimes more, sometimes less. It depends on how the inspiration hits me. I'll also create a store for that project too, but it's gonna be a while in coming.

===Now Playing It's My Life: Bon Jovi===

I'm working a little at a time on all the things I believe I have to do. And I believe that God is leading me in the direction He wants me to travel. So, if any of you want to check out the Solving Problems Through God site, by all means, do so. If you are against religious conversation/discussion, or if you don't like talk of God and such, then you might be offended by the site. That is not my intention.

So, visit it at your own risk? *chuckles quietly*

I welcome comments and thoughts on that new site. Whether you agree or disagree. I would like to hear your point of view. But, please try to be tactful. Don't just write me to tell me I'm full of shit and should drop dead. That will not garner respect. *smiles softly*

===Now Playing God Called In Sick Today: AFI -- Suggested by Flatline===

Oh, for those of you who read this diary... if you're not linked over there at the left, by all means leave me a message on my message board, or send me an Email and I'll link you. If you'd rather remain anonymous, that's fine too... but I'd kinda like to link those people who read this... I've found a number of interesting diaries by going through links that other people have on their pages.

Again... I would like to thank Andrew for creating such a wonderful community. He's been putting a lot of effort into increasing the cool stuff available through Diaryland. And, I got to see him in chat one night... that was way cool.

===Now Playing Ball And Chain: Social Distortion -- Suggested by Flatline===

Oh, and for those of you who were in Dland chat this afternoon, and saw my name sitting without comment or anything, in The Fatal Tiger's house of.... Pancakes?... That wasn't really me. I got bumped offline and my name stuck. I wasn't able to get back into chat as TigreFatalis to sit in the room, and I had to go, so my BurntTiger persona wasn't there either.

So, if any of you came in and thought I was an incredibly uncouth person, ignoring you.... it wasn't me. It was my name, living a life of its own. *chuckles softly* That's what happens when you live in a house of ..... pancakes?

*chuckles, winking*

You know... Flatline is leaving us for a while. He has promised me that he will update when he can, but he's still leaving us. *pouts* I'm going to miss him. Much. BUT, he said he'd send me a postcard, so I'm eagerly looking forward to that, and I'll let y'all know what he said when he does.

I'm gonna miss you, Flatline. You're more important than you may realize. Love you, babe. Mean it.

===Now Playing Old Love: Eric Clapton===

While I was at my sister's place yesterday, I finally heard more than just the one VH song (Verticle Horizon's Everything You Want). I got to hear the whole disc. I'm now in love with Verticle Horizon. As soon as I can swing the ride to Astoria, I'm going to get a VH CD. I really, really like that whole CD.

I also need to pick up another Clapton CD or two. I just so love Clapton.

And, for those of you who think that I'm one of those Napster users who's out to cheat the record companies and all (No, Lars, I'm not going to steal your lunch money)... I'm not into the recording of CDs to make a profit. *chuckles* In fact, I DL from Napster because I'm in lust with certain songs. AND, I rave and rave and rave about the CD that Sympatico made me, because it's got this wild mix of the perfect songs.

And YES, I'm having Sympatico make me another CD, but again... it's a mix of stuff that I would NEVER be able to purchase from the recording artists themselves. I don't believe in burning CDs to cheat the artists out of what they've worked hard to create.

But, I also love Napster... and this is why... Only on Napster can I create a listening experience where I can hear AFI, Verticle Horizon, Andrea Bocelli and Metallica on the same playlist.

===Now Playing Hold On My Heart: Genesis===

The disc that Sympatico made me has everything from Big Head Todd and the Monsters to Metallica to Toad the Wet Sprocket to Soul Coughing. There's no way that many artists and that many different labels would get together to sell a CD like that.

I was speaking with Bryan a while back and he was down on Napster... considering it a piracy type thing... He had mentioned how distressing it is to have people stealing the music that artists have worked so hard to create.

I told him that's not what Napster was. Napster, completely, is simply a huge music library. You get to borrow your friends CDs when your friend lives 30,000 miles away from you.... or close. It's a way for people to find songs that haven't been available for decades. I love that aspect.

And, I do not now, nor have I ever, condoned the act of burning CDs for a profit. Sympatico has never asked me for any money, and I haven't offered him any except to pay for the discs themselves. (he refused... I guess I do have him twisted around my litte finger *muahaaahhhaaahhh*)

*raises a brow, wondering where that "dark side" came from*

===Now Playing You Don't Love Me Anymore: Wierd Al Yankovic===

Anyway, I do need to get going. I wish to get online and see if we're going to do any RP tonight. I feel good. Happy. At peace.

Thank you, all of you, for your prayers, love, attention and well wishes. I truly, truly appreciate it.

Oh, and Mosh? Love ya, babe.

Peace unto thy hearts, my dearies...