===Pouring from the headphones... Fur Elise: techno Beethoven===

Well... what did you do today? I got groceries. Woohoo... There's enough food in the house to last about... well... at least a day or two. *chuckles* I'd share my icecream with ya, but as Charles tells me so very often... it doesn't mail well. *chuckles, winking*

I highly recommend Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough icecream, by the by. Just for info sake.

===Pouring from the headphones... Bitter Sweet Symphony===

Dunno what's gotten me into such a techno mood, lately. Ya know, what I'd really, really like to find, is some French Industrial. Well, okay, I don't know if that's technically the name/genre... but for any of you out there who have watched the series La Femme Nikita, If you know names of any of the performers of music and such, I would be greatly, greatly appreciative to find it.

I"m not exactly sure what to look for, so I'm not sure what to search for on Napster. I'm just not willing to go spend 18 or 25 bucks for a single CD of import music before hearing some of the tracks.

I just really, really like the sound of most of the music. And it's not Edith Piaff, tho I'm slightly familiar with her stuff. *shrugs* It just sounds like Franch Industrial to me, so that's what I dubbed it.

Thank you for listening to that totally meaningless and redundant couple paragraphs. *smiles sweetly*

Also, I am open to suggestions, if any of you have suggested music for me. I"d love to DL some of it and give a listen.

I'll plug you and you'll be forever imortalized, or something, in my playlist. *chuckles*

===Pouring from the headphones... Neverending Story===

Today was a good day once I got through the irritation part. I went to the bank in order to get some fundage, yet found out that I'd left my bank card at home. *rolls her eyes* Isn't that just a pleasure? *chuckles* Anyway, then I went to the post office, in order to get my mail. Since we don't have delivery to the houses and stuff here in town, I was under the impression I wouldn't have to actually pay for the PO box. (as per what my father said)

However, I was informed differently upon getting to the post office and finding my box locked. *rolls her eyes* Luckily I had enough cash on me to get the box unlocked. Another 14 bucks down the drain.

BUT, that allowed me to get one of the bestestest things in the entire world.

===Pouring from the headphones... All About The Pentiums: Wierd Al Yankovic===

I ask all of you to take a break from this entry to go to Sympatico's diary and leave a message on his message board. Tell him how wonderful he is and how he's just the king of my world. *grins*

Sympatico sent me a pair of CDs today. Awesome, awesome, awesome CDs. Andrea Bocelli mix and a personal mix. This just rocks so much. Hey Marmoset... You ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

===Pouring from the headphones... The Saga Begins: Wierd Al Yankovic===

*chuckles quietly* Sorry about that, I took a short break to munch a little icecream. It's good stuff. But, like with everything else I eat... I only munch a little at a time. I've had a few brain-freezes, I don't intend to ever meet up with another one. *chuckles*

Anyway... Yes, my cute little Knocked-up Marmoset made my day intensely better. I wasn't expecting such an incredible gift. But kudos to him. So, thanks, babe. AND, I like your handwriting. I can read it. No worries. *chuckles quietly*

I was thinking about getting into a long, drawn-out diatribe about truth and the ability/interest of this modern world to believe it. But, I don't really have the energy to pull that off tonight. *chuckles* I still have to write up something for the SPTG diary/column, tho I might do that tomorrow after my Bible study.

===Pouring from the headphones... Send It Up: VH===

Okay, so I'm still thinking about something to write. I have no ideas.

Still thinking.

Still no ideas.

perhaps I should just finish this entry now?

*shakes her head* Nope. I know if I just hang in there long enough, I'll come up with something.

Besides, I promised that I"d have a longer post today.

===Pouring from the headphones... Best I Ever Had: VH===

I was gonna get some beer tonight, but I figured one splurge was enough (the icecream). So, I'm doing without the "good stuff". *smirks*

As I listen to this song, I wonder if I should feel like my ex was the best thing I ever had. *chuckles softly* He's not. I've had people tell me that I"m going to be crying about the break up some day. *frowns slightly* I don't think so. I am not angry with him. I'm not depressed about him. I'm not morose and melo-dramatic about him.

I feel kinda like when I order a specific meal in a restaurant and find out later that I would rather have had something else. I don't miss it. I don't get depressed about it. I just chose something I didn't really want.

===Pouring from the headphones... Children's Lullaby: VH===

The thing I'm irritated with myself about, is having married him in the first place. He was a nice guy. And I know that there are a few of you out there who are rolling your eyes as I type that. *chuckles* Thinking that I'm just so deeply imbedded in my denial and all.

I don't agree. He was a nice guy. And had we simply kept our relationship to friends, we could have been very good friends for a long time. But there were so many things that added unnecessary straws to the camel's back, so to speak.

Dunno if I can ever make myself clear here... dunno if any of you will ever believe me... but, if you're willing to think about it... stay away from sex while you're dating. I'm serious. Sex is the major factor in all the disastrous relationships I've ever had.

===Pouring from the headphones... Everything You Want: VH===

The only relationships, friendships or otherwise, that were not damaged, were those where sex just wasn't a factor. Where there wasn't conversation about it, no sexual contact at all and not even flirting. No hand holding, no kissing, no touching... none of that.

I'm sure that doesn't make much sense. My thoughts are fairly cloudy at the moment, and I know that I've already talked about this at least twice before.

When a relationship has sexual undertones... or blatant sexual overtones, the focus of the relationship is not on a partnership, or on being a good team, but on getting laid.

When you're focused on getting laid... once you do, there's nothing interesting about the relationship anymore. (I'm speaking in vastly generalized terms here) There are some couples, and they are very few, who find a way to create a real bond above and beyond sex. But those are extremely rare cases.

And those of you who have been involved for five years or less... you're not in a long-term relationship. I'm talking a long term relationship like... ya know... the rest of your life. Fifty, Sixty, Seventy years.

===Pouring from the headphones... Finding Me: VH===

Is the concept of long-term monogomy something that's fallen by the way-side?

I'm thinking about writing a modern fairy tale. The idea just hit me now, but I'm seriously considering this. When I was young, I had those dreamy fantasies of a man on a muscular charger coming along to be my hero. To take me away from all my pains and discomforts.

When I was a little older and getting into meditation... or actually, pseudo-meditation of a sort... *chuckles* Can I get any more vague? Probably.

Anyway, I had created a "safe place" in my mind. Where my savior was a golden palomino. Her name was Anything And Everything. *chuckles* In my mind, no matter what barriers I came up against, she could get me through it. She could carry me. She could walk beside me. She was everything I could ever need. She was anything I could ever want.

yet... even with that meditation safe place, I was looking for someone/thing else to take away my pains and fears. I was hoping for someone else to make me happy. I was hoping for someone else to fix me.

Folks... please listen to this... if you take nothing else away from reading this journal/diary/column... really listen to this...

No one and nothing else can ever change who and what you are. There is only one exception to that. And He is God. But, you have to ask Him to change you. And you have to put forth some of the effort.

===Pouring from the headphones... Give You Back: VH===

No one else can make you happy. No one else can take away your pain. No drug can ever make you skinny enough. No surgery can ever make you pretty enough. No magic spell can ever make you happy enough. Happiness, joy, peace, tranquility, beauty, health... they are all things that you have to do. All things that you have to be.

Sure, drugs can help, but they can't do it by themselves. AND, people (friends, loved ones, family, lovers) can help you... they can be the focus, or the reason, the goal, the motivation... but they can't change you.

If you think that simply having a girlfriend or boyfriend is going to make your life okay... that simply having them in your life is going to fix all your problems, then unplug, do some serious thinking and get a brain cell.

No one else can change you. Either for the better or for the worse. The other people you meet in your life can teach you, or show you, or be there for you... other people can support you. Other things can be your crutch, your walker, your wheelchair... but you alone can make the choices. You alone change who and what you are.

Ask for help... sure. But, no one can complete you.

===Pouring from the headphones... Miracle: VH===

The movie Jerry McGuire was a tender and romantic movie. It was wonderful. But it isn't true. It's a movie, folks. The fairy tales you read as a child... the knight defeating the mean guys to save the princess...

*smiles softly*

It would be very nice to have someone else make your decisions for you. It would be very nice to be able to sit back and never have to lift finger one... never take responsibility for your own life. But, please folks. Think about it.

This is something I didn't realize until after my husband was fucking his girlfriend in my bed.

He had promised me he would take care of me. I bought that. He promised me that he would make me happy. I bought into that.

Folks. I just doesn't work that way.

I didn't realize it until I was sitting there, refusing to feel, refusing to admit what was going on. That was the night my father came over to visit. I saw his truck pull up and what did I do? I got up out of my chair, after taking off my headphones, and I went into the bedroom, or rather, knocked on the door of the bedroom and said, "Dad's here, you might want to get dressed."

===Pouring from the headphones... Shackled: VH===

*smiles softly*

After Dad went home and I looked at Shelley, seeing that her sweater was on inside out, I realized that I had been waiting for Duncan to make the choice that was best for me. *smiles softly*

It didn't really sink in that night... but the gears were turning. It wasn't three weeks after that that I made the decision that I alone was responsible for what I felt and did and what I allowed to happen to me.

When you don't set any personal boundries, you don't have the right to bitch when people offend you.

Duncan should not have been unfaithful. Granted.

However, I should not have given him permission to fuck around.

I truly and strenuously believe in free will. I believe that Duncan had the right to do whatever he wanted to with whomever he wanted to. I still believe that. However, I had the right to tell him that I didn't WANT him to fuck around. And, I should have said that.

===Pouring from the headphones... Trying to Find Purpose: VH===

*smiles softly*

What I told him was, "I don't care." *smiles faintly* I didn't want to be numb anymore. I didn't want to make any decisions. And I knew he didn't really care about ME anymore. He cared about the marriage. In that, he didn't want to fail at another one. I was his second wife.

*sighs*

All of this is actually stalling. I've thought long and hard about all the things that have happened during my courtship with Duncan, and my eventual marriage to him and subsequent divorce.

There are some things I will do very, very differently.

I will not have any sexual contact whatsoever with anyone I'm not married to. And I mean that. Chaste kisses... hand holding... sure. Cuddling? I want to, just cause I really, really miss that aspect of having someone close... but I don't know.

===Pouring from the headphones... We Are: VH===

I tell you this... None of this "we're almost married so it's okay" bullshit. Without the ceremony, we're not married.

The man who is interested in me... will agree to that. And will defend it.

I suppose I should list a few of the things I will NOT do again.

I will not expect my husband to make me happy. That's not his job. It's not his responsibility and it's not within his ability.

I will NOT withdraw from confrontations. There are going to be disagreements between he and I. I know this. But, running away doesn't solve the problem, it only exacerbates it.

I'm not going to sulk when my feelings have been hurt. And I'm not going to hide it either. When Duncan would say something that was insulting to me, I would shut up and get quiet. I wouldn't tell him that he had said something that I had taken offense to. I would not say that I was hurt. Nor would I ask for clarification in case he'd meant something other than what I'd interpreted.

===Pouring from the headphones... You Say: VH===

I will not expect him to do all the work around the house just because I refuse to clean. *smiles softly* That was a very major mistake on my part. I don't have to do the cleaning... but I do have to put forth some effort. Some turn around. There has to be agreement on what is to be done and by whom. If I don't want to clean, that's fine, as long as I see that the cleaning is done; in the form of hiring a maid with my own money, or trading my time/goods/effort in order to have someone else do the work I don't want to do.

And sometimes, I will just have to do the work. Sometimes, as Marcinko says, "You don't have to like it, you just have to do it."

===Pouring from the headphones... You're A God: VH===

I will not hide my thoughts and feelings because I don't think they matter. Man, that was so stupid. *chuckles softly, faintly*

I will not give up who and what I am in the belief that he is the only one that matters. Marriage is not a solo sport. It's a team effort. There must be two in order for a marriage to work. And, in my opinion, God needs to be invited to the marriage as well as the wedding.

I will pray and Bible study every day, and I will not be afraid to tell my husband what I've learned through such. If he doesn't want to talk about God... he's not the man for me to marry. *smiles softly* God is primary in my life. And He will ever be. Only Through God can my next marriage truly blossom and shine.

===Pouring from the headphones... Far Behind: CandleBox -- Suggested by Charles===

I will not hide my voice. I will not stop singing, writing, composing and listening to music. I will not shut up to keep from saying something I think he won't want to hear.

But, the most important... out of all the different things I did the first time around... I will not lie. With Duncan, I lied to cover up times when I felt hurt and rejected, telling him I was fine. I lied in regard to sex. I didn't tell him it was painful. I lied when he asked me what I was thinking about... what I wanted, and what I wanted from him. *smiles faintly* I did him wrong. I really, really did him wrong.

he isn't blameless, but me? *shakes her head slowly* I really, really fucked up. I stopped being who and what I was in the name of marriage. I so foolishly thought that now that I was married, my thoughts and ideas didn't matter anymore. That he was the only one who mattered. I gave up my dreams, my hopes, my goals, thinking that if he reached his, that would fulfil me.

But it doesn't work that way. No one else's dreams will ever be yours. They might be similar... but they are not the same.

I won't make that mistake again.

===Pouring from the headphones... Pass It Along: ChumbaWumba -- Suggested/passed on by Sympatico===

Okay... I've been writing this long enough. I'm still thinking about it, and I"m sure you'll hear more on this topic in the future. Quite a bit more, I'm sure.

Anyway... thank you for listening to this long-assed diatribe. Dunno if anything was really solidified in your minds, or if it was just a roller-coaster of tangents and wild tendrils. *chuckles quietly*

Peace unto thy hearts, my friends.

J