===Music selections... Dreamcatcher: Paul Oakenfold===

Mmmmmmmmmm, it feels good to just sit back and relax a while. I've just had a rude awakening. Sort of. I have just discovered one of my greatest pet peeves. I would like to have a little input from you folks. Now, we all know that I ranted on and on and on a while back about my father and his table manners.... could it be possible that table manners aren't a big deal anywhere else? Could it be that I am the only person in this world who thinks that talking with your mouth full is gross, disgusting and repuslive?

It was my Niece's birthday tonight. We all got together and had lasagna and the like... Great, wonderful, no problem... However, my nephew eats deploribly. I don't mean he's just a messy eater, I mean he's eating with his fingers, he's got grease and crap all over the outside of his glass, floaties on the inside of his glass... when he drinks, he slurps. He chews with his mouth open and talks with his mouth full. Gah, this is disgusting to me. Absolutely horrendous to me.

I keep thinking that part of it has got to be an over-reaction, but still. This is so completely gross. Hell, there's a huge Poinsetia between my father and I so I don't have to see him eat... but sheeze... this kid is sitting right next to me. And, before you think I'm being too hard on my Nephew... he's 8 years old. Originally, I thought it was just that his mother was working on too many other things in her life to put any time into table manners.... but she talks with her mouth full too. And chews with her mouth open. EEWWWW. How is it possible that this is the first time I've seen it???

===Music selections... Atlantis: Paul Oakenfold===

Please, someone out there, please tell me that not everyone eats that way. If I wanted to see what your food looked like while you were chewing it, I'd suggest you have glass cheeks installed.

Now, I'm fully aware that I can look away. And believe me, I do. I look solely at my plate and don't watch other people eat... but when someone is talking to me, I automatically look up... and when Damien is standing less than three feet from me, with his mouth full, food mixed and mushed in his mouth, garlic bread and lasagna all over his face and hands... man, what the hell?

I understand being a messy eater... I mean, hell, there are some people who choose to eat so quickly that food practically jumps upon their clothing. And, I understand that sometimes a kid doesn't have the motor control to get the fork to work properly, but still... Sheeze... this was just so completely disgusting. And then, to hear him drinking.

*shudders violently*

===Music selections... Cream, selections from: Paul Oakenfold===

I can't possibly be alone in my distaste for such deplorable table manners. And, I'm sure... more than sure... that some of you notice habits about me which are just completely disgusting... (if you do, PLEASE tell me. If I am informed, I can actually begin to see it in myself and weed out the parts I don't like, or which blatantly offend others)

This bad table manners thing is so completely disgusting to me that I don't want Damien eating where I am. I understand that he's a kid. He's only 8. But still, isn't 8 years old, old enough to know how to chew with your mouth closed?

How did I learn? It was ridiculed into me. At the table when I was a kid, about 5-ish, I remember being told continually not to chew with my mouth open, and not to speak with my mouth full. It wasn't always told to me, most often it was told to Dan, but since I wasn't looking at anything other than my plate, I didn't really know to whom my father was speaking.

And yeah, that's the funny part. And probably why I'm so repulsed by my father's eating habits. He was the one who was so adamant about table manners. He would reach across and do that two-fingered slap to the back of the hand, or lightly knock the elbow off the table. He was the one who was so fiercely pro-manners. Interesting in a tangent sort of way.

Anyway... Table manners are a really big deal to me. Bigger than I had at first thought. I mean, I felt myself getting really, really ticked off as Damien was smacking his lips and slurping his apple juice. It's the kind of thing you'd expect from a kid about 3 or 4, not 8. *shrugs* I was irritated and angry and I really, really wanted to reach out and grab his hands, forcefully put the fork in his hand and stand behind him, showing him how to eat. I wanted to take the napkin and wipe his face off. I wanted to do all that, but man.... that's Yvonne's kid.

*growls to herself* I heard my inner voice telling me that I would not allow my kids to behave that way. I actually caught myself doing that "Not MY kid" thing. *rolls her eyes*

Ya know, that's really the best way to assure that you're child will have that negative behavior. Stating outloud that your child will "never" behave in a specific manner is the best way to assure that they, in fact, will behave in that manner. Arg... I really, really hate it.

How would I teach my children table manners? What will work? What won't? Will my husband be a good or bad example? Will I be a good or bad example?

I was talking with mom, but briefly, last night about when I have kids. I don't want to fuck up my kids. I really don't. And I'm scared of having children. I want them, and I know I'll have kids. But sheeze... I don't wanna fuck up my kids. I don't want my kid to turn out the way I did. I don't want my kid to lose all hope and feel helpless and hopeless and.... *shrugs*

I don't want my kids to "know" they can't depend on their parents. I don't want my kids to think that we (the parents) can't bail them out if need be. That's really important to me. I don't want to lose control when it comes to disciplining the children. I just have this..... feeling, that my kids are gonna hate me. And I really, really don't want that.

I don't want my kids to look at me and say, "I'm never gonna treat MY children that way". *smiles softly, sadly* But, I kinda think it's every child's script to not like their parents at some point or other.

Sympatico is writing a story (an incredible story, by the way... damn he's good) and one line really got to me. He is writing about our characters, Chance and Tiger in a fictional setting, even for the characters... Anyway, Chance is Tiger's son... and Chance was going through a memory sequence where he was thinking about how most kids get to a phase where they don't like being hugged by their mothers... but he never outgrew that. He always loved getting hugs and love from his mom.

I want MY kids to feel that way. I don't want my kids to grow up to hate me. And I"m so scared that they will. One of my closest and most trusted friends has told me about how he hates his mother. How he can't stand her... *smiles sadly* That hurts. Not because he doesn't like her, but because I don't ever want my kids to feel that way about me.... and because I kinda think I'm not gonna be good enough as a mom.

Damn that scares me. I know it shouldn't. I know that parents are never ready to be parents until they have grandchildren... but still... I so don't want to make mistakes with my kids. And I'm so scared that I'm going to fuck up and leave my children with a legacy of scars.

*smiles sadly*

How do I avoid that?

How do I change my life NOW so that in the future, when I have children, I don't discipline them because of MY mood? How do I change myself now so that then I don't hurt them just because I'm hurting? How do I correct behavior rather than personality? I'm scared about this. And I have been since I was so very young watching my mother discipline in anger and rage.

It's my personal choice. I have the choice. I can react with discipline, or I can act with discipline.

Don't think, for even half a minute, that I'm one of those "no spakings" kind of people. I fully and completely believe in physical discipline. But, I believe that there are specific times and specific behaviors which require discipline.

I suppose that my husband and I will have to sit down and actually discuss how we will discipline our children. Not just that, but discuss hypothetical situations and build a plan... or rather, a guideline. I know that some kids can come up with actions and bahviors which no parent can actually be prepared for... but still... *frowns*

*thinks about this for a few moments*

===Music selections... Bittersweet Symphony: techno===
===Music selections... Fur Elise: techno - Beethoven===

I don't know folks. Mom told me that I had a piece of information she didn't when she was raising kids. That during her generation, children were thought of as being plain, moldable, creatable entities. That it was up to the parents to decide what the child would be like.

*smiles softly* The truth of the matter is that children are entities unto themselves.

===Music selections... Pull Me Under: Dream Theater===

Kids have their own personalities pre-installed. They're genetic make-up has already been planned out. You can alter little things and you can condition the kid to a specific behavior, but there is a natural personality already in there.

It is my personal opinion that they won't be my children. Not that I won't have given birth, but that they don't belong to me. My kids belong to God and I am of the opinion He is already designing them. No, I'm not married. No, I'm not sexually active in any way and no, I'm not planning on imacculate conception... I just think that God has a specific design in mind for the children He will bring forth from my husband and I. (no, I'm still not married)

many of you may think that's a bizarre and far-fetched concept, but hell... a few hundred years ago, the common understanding of the world was that it was flat. Seems we were wrong then.

I don't know, folks... I may be just digging around in a cesspool of thought which never needs to be uncovered. It's entirely possible that something will just click as soon as I give birth to the child. Hell... from some of you mothers out there... what are the differences in thought/belief you had before and after giving birth? I'm really curious. I honestly want to know.

I would ask Susie, but she doesn't have a diary and she's really only a month into being a mom, she's still trying to adjust to a non-sleep schedule. *chuckles*

On a totally unrelated topic (there's a tangent for ya) how many of you people think you'll still be a part of the diaryland family in a few years? How do you think your diaries are going to change during the different phases of your life? How many of you are going to scrap the initial idea? And, how many of you who have sex-diaries... (there are only two that I know of, tho I'm sure there are many, many, many more) do you see yourselves changing the material, scrapping it altogether, or getting a different diary and changing your style completely?

===Sensual sounds slipping within... Perfect Water: BOC===

You know, I had originally set up the D S Vic diary as a sexual one. I had planned to write sexual stories and such the way I used to a few years back. But, I scrapped that idea, cause of my choice to become completely celibate. (the impetus behind that choice has been talked about almost too much in this diary, but to recap... every relationship I've had that has caused me pain of some sort, has begun with some sort of sexual interaction. I am trying a new thing... non-sexual behavior. Flirting is as far as I go. And light flirting at that)

That's when the D S Vic diary was password protected. Obviously I've removed that. *chuckles* Now I just use that diary as an outlet for my stories, poems and such. Course, I haven't written stories or poems much lately. I haven't written much of anything lately.

===Sensual sounds slipping within... Kiss The Rain: Billie Meyers===

I suppose that's rather obvious by the recent content of this specific diary. Pretty much nothing has been going creatively. Dunno if that's because I've been busy or because I'm just not in a creative mood lately... *shrugs* I don't often force myself to write. It just doesn't work that way.

I know that I can always find SOMETHING to write about, but I don't like forcing it cause the work doesn't have any flow. It feels forced. And then it reads as being forced and the audience doesn't have any joy. *shrugs* Dunno. Maybe Charles was right... Maybe I do over-analyze things too much.

Dunno, folks.

*takes a break for a few moments, thinking and playing a few games of Freecell*

===Sensual sounds slipping within... Like The Rain: Clint Black===
===Sensual sounds slipping within... I Wish It Would Rain Down: Genesis===
===Sensual sounds slipping within... River Of Tears: Eric Clapton===

So, should I continue with this entry? Should I attempt to make it humorous to offset the intensity of the beginning? Are you folks just so totally numb to my rambling and prattling that you read it just to appease me? YES, pity audience. I've waited my whole life for one of those. *chuckles*

OH, my mother sent an information tidbit about Bonzi Buddy to my Aunt, suggesting that she DL the prog. *grins* My Aunt said that Bonzi was a bad, bad thing. That it completely fucked up her system and that she had to reboot. Not just shut down the comp and start it up again, but Bonzi was taking over all her programs and she had to dump all the content and start over.

That is not good. BUT, it's back up for my stand on Bonzi.

===Sensual sounds slipping within... Old Love: Eric Clapton===

Bonzi is just a big, purple primate trying to be Barney. I'm serious here folks. Bonzi is evil. He is subversive. Please, do not let yourselves be claimed by his kindly facade. He might look "cute" but don't be fooled. Bonzi is evil, evil, evil, evil, evil.

Any of you who have noticed a difference in Sympatico Please, Email me, we'll get together and plan an intervention. *chuckles quietly*

In all honesty, I don't think that Bonzi is truly evil. But, I do think that it's a gimick out there just to make people who don't know much about the 'Net or DLing or such, purchase things they don't really need OR want. Do NOT let Bonzi control your DL capability. Please. He will DL things that you don't really want. And, what's more, he plagerized Barney. I"m NOT KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was sitting there in the livingroom, watching The Sentinel on the tube, when Bonzi comes on and starts singing "I love you, you love me".

===Sensual sounds slipping within... Riveria Paradise: Stevie Ray Vaughan===

It isn't bad enough that Barney plagerized This Old Man for that little ditty, but sheeze... Bonzi plagerized that fucking purple eyesore. That damned, demented radio-active grape. Bonzi is evil, folks. Stay away from him.

OH, to close this entry, I'm going to post a short description of a dream I had this afternoon while I was grabbing a nap. I believe that the whole reason I had this dream was because of the music which was on in the background... Oldies. Every time I have ever, ever, ever been in an auto shop or parts store, I've heard Oldies playing in the background. But anyway... this is the dream... *chuckles*

I had the most bizarre dream this afternoon during my nap. I was working at an auto shop. It was my first day. And I was pointing people to their cars and such. I had to put an air filter in three different beasties... they were all classic cars. supped up and all. Everyone was getting ready to drive out to Hoodsport for a show or something. It was wild folks.

About 12 or so people showed up for their cars at the same time and I was supposed to point them to their completed vehicles. one guy came kinda late, just before I was about to go. he was tall and slender, but decent looking. He looked like a friend of mine I used to work with nearly 8 years ago.

he headed toward a classic pick up, put the air filter into it, and took off

I was at the counter, getting my keys when I was told the money was my responsibility until the owners came back, so I got a jar and put the coins and bills in it and took it with me as I closed up the shop. I got in my cherried, midnight blue Stang. It was so completely sweet. A Boss Stang, no less. And man, the engine was just a-purrin. *grins*

There was a lot of confusion cause it was my first day, but everything was handled well and we were off and then I woke up. But damn, it was wierd.

Just thought I'd share.

I guess the part that was so wierd is that I have never worked in an auto shop. I don't think I ever will. And I really don't know very much about the mechanics of cars. BUT, I've ALWAYS wanted to build a Vette. I've had this 'dream' in the back of my mind that when I had the time and money, I would get an old, ripped up Vette and rebuild it. Cherry it out and all.

Before he died, I'd figured I'd have Mr. Alexander help me with it. He did that rebuilding thing. It was a hobby of his. He had an old Model T and an old Model A that he'd completely rebuilt. Oh, they were nice. He had a "hidden" garage that he kept them in.

I liked him a lot.

===Sensual sounds slipping within... Hold On My Heart: Genesis===

He reminded me quite a bit, of my grandfather. And, for those of you who have absolutely no idea when this particular person was in my life... He was my ex's boss. Mr and Mrs Alexander lived here in Long Beach and I met them through Duncan. They were some of the sweetest, most gentle and tender people I've ever met. Mr Alexander was so cool. He was soft spoken and always had a kind word. And he liked me.

*smiles softly* I really miss him. He died last year. I don't remember what the cause was. Mrs Alexander is still here in Long Beach. She liked Duncan a lot. But Mr Alexander liked me. *smiles softly* Partially cause I loved his cars and I'd told him that I had this dream to rebuild a Vette and that I would like his help when I finally had the money to do it. You should have seen him beam. *grins*

I remember one time when Duncan and I were pulled up to their house. Mr Alexander was washing one of the cars (not the antiques). And he was talking about the new garage that they were building so that he could work on his cars in-doors. *smiles softly* He had made some comment and Duncan didn't get the significance. But I piped up with an explanation. Mr Alexander patted my forearm, smiled tenderly and said something to the effect of, "Listen to her. She's got a good head on her shoulders."

*laughs quietly*

===Sensual sounds slipping within... It's My Life: Bon Jovi===

I miss him.

He was the leader of one of the prayer groups that was so vital to my surviving the wreck nearly three years ago now. They found out about it that night (Jan. 14, 98). He gave Duncan 100 bucks, out of his own pocket. Not a loan, not a draw, so that Duncan and Mom could make the trek to Salem where I was. (nearly 250 miles from here) And gave Duncan a leave of absense from work for as long as he needed it.

*smiles softly*

Little did we know that would be the beginning of the end of our actual marriage. *smiles softly*

Sometimes I don't like the fact that I was on Morphine. There are some things I never should have said to Duncan. They hurt him too deeply.

===Sensual sounds slipping within... The Flame: Cheap Trick===

But, that's history and I have a better life now. Far better. AND, I can walk. That's the amazing part.

Ya know, the doc told me that if I hadn't been fat, I would have died in that wreck. The fact that I was fat is what kept me a live. *shrugs* Dunno if I really believe that, but my main doc was really cool and I like him, so I'm inclined to believe him.

Of course, he was rather mean (teasingly, not malicious) He kept calling me "Mah Jennay" immitating Forest Gump. *chuckles quietly*

I never want to have to use a walker again, folks. Those are irritating and nasty.

I asked the doc (his name was Chip Routte) if he'd remove some of the fat while he was doing the surgery on my hip. *chuckles* He chuckled and said I had to do that on my own, but if I hadn't been so fat, I would have been dead. So, I shouldn't feel bad about the weight thing, I should just do something about it in the future. AND, I shouldn't sit like an idiot in front of a Semi. *chuckles*

I figure, he's got a point.

Anyway, I"m all over the place with thoughts and comments here so I'm actually going to close this for real now.

===Sensual sounds slipping within... VooDoo: GodSmack===

Thank you, folks, for being such wonderful and loving people. May your every kind deed come back to you 1000 fold. And may your ever enemy thank you for your mercy toward them.

Peace unto thy hearts, friends.