===Music selections... Kiss The Rain: Billie Meyers===

Well, good night, friends and family. Or something. Woah, I think I've gone through every emotional extreme today. Okay, so that's not quite true. But I did have a conversation with my mother, and thus, I cried. I hate that. So much.

She didn't say anything to make me cry. She wasn't mean or cruel. It's just that... well... I can't lie to my mother, and that means that I can't lie to myself either. I guess what that really means is this... when I converse with her, she forces me, or rather, I force myself to face certain things I don't want to think about. And that's what happened tonight. I have practiced denial for so many things and for so long, that I don't realize that I'm denying things. I have a personal philosophy which goes along the lines of, if I can't do anything about a certain situation, why should I worry about it. So, often, I just don't think about certain things at all.

Mom and I were talking about my court date Monday morning. It's for this ticket that I got three months ago. Remember it? Well, I went through the process of finding out why my liscense was pulled... it's because of ticket I got more than six years ago.

===Music selections... Like The Rain: Clint Black===

Because I didn't realize I'd had this ticket on my record and all... it's really big and nasty. Most of you may think that a $1500 ticket isn't that big a deal. pay it off over a month or two and it's all done. Uh uh. Not for me. I'm in a bit of a catch 22 here. The REAL catch 22 is that I'm too damned fucking lazy to learn the bus scheduals and such in order to bus to some employment I could actually handle. The only jobs offered in this area are penny ante. Not that that's the problem, it's just that I can't physically do the work.

I've done enough complaining about my physical limitations, you know all about that. The only employment offered here, within walking distance, requires either standing all shift, or physical activity at a level I can't uphold. There aren't any clerical positions available within walking distance.

So, it comes down to my court appearance Monday morning. I can either do a no-show and run the risk of being picked up and definately doing jail time, which I'm not all that keen about. Or, I can tell the Judge my "story".

===Music selections... River Of Tears: Eric Clapton===

Personally, I prefer the latter. I would rather throw myself on the mercy of the court and try for some community service thing, or... hell, I don't know. I'm just...... my options are highly limited. Isn't that an oxymoron?

Anyway... We'll find out what's going to happen on Monday. And, there really is no use whatsoever in my stressing or worrying about it. Whatever is going to happen, will happen.

Regardless... it's my niece Brandace's birthday tomorrow and we're going to have a small family thing. Remember... her mother got her a guitar and I have to tune it and all that. I made her a small jewelry/trinket box out of ceramic. I got her a little sewing project too. I picked up a small kit with which she can make a couple pieces of jewelry, but there are a few pieces missing from it, so I'm going to hold on to that one and if I can find the pieces over the next few weeks or so, I'll give it to her as a "you deserve a present" present. I think she'd like that.

Brandace is getting a stereo from her father, a CD player. Dad called to find out what Brandace really wanted, and her mother said that she wanted music. *shrugs* Dad finally got to talk with Brandace tonight, and Brandace asked if she had to have music, or if she could pick something else. Dad said she could have what SHE wanted. So, Brandace asked for a basketball. *chuckles* Dad's gonna get her one tomorrow.

We're gonna have Lasagna and salad and cake. Woohoo. Or something.

===Music selections... I Wish It Would Rain Down: Genesis===

I do love my family, please don't think I hate everyone. I"m just in a downer of a mood right now. I'm feeling rather.... I don't know.... slow, I suppose.

I had to deal with that evil and vile and corrupt Sympatico has been subverted now too. This is just too much. This is horrid folks. That damned, purple Gorilla has totally taken over my mother, father and best friend. This is a tragedy. Please, please, please, do not let the carnage continue.

On a lighter note, my mother got to talk with both Sympatico and Charles tonight and both of them are still talking to me. I think this is a very, very good thing. *chuckles*

Tell me honestly, folks, do any of you get nervous when your parental units speak with your friends? I mean, I know that Mom can't bring out the baby-book over the net, but still... it makes me real nervous.

===Music selections... Like The Rain: Clint Black===

I could be overreacting a bit here, but think about it... how often do you want these people you talk about your parental units with, to converse with said parental units? It would be like you guys trying to carry on a conversation with Joey. I mean, he does answer Email and sometimes I hear him tapping the keys while I sleep, but still. As long as I don't actually see him online, I don't freak out.

Hell, Maybe I should catch him online one of these days, maybe we can get on Letterman for the "stupid human tricks" or something. *grins*

Anyway, Sympatico had a nice, but brief conversation with my Mom and he was very polite. I was worried that he might take some of the things I"ve said in this diary and hold them against her, but he was so very polite. He just earned another couple Bubble Points.

===Music selections... You Still Move Me: Dan Seals===

Charles was having a good conversation with her too. That's good in my opinion. Hell, Mom and Charles have RPed together a time or two. When we were all in the Lair a few years back.

See, I used to have the Lair even back then. Wow, amazing, neh? Anyway, Mom would come into the Lair as "The_Mom_DZ". *chuckles* And, she played a character which was not that far off from her "real" persona. She basically played a "grandmotherly" character. She would sit in a comfy chair by the fire and knitt or something. Hell, she's made more than one pair of "spur socks" for James VonDoom. *grins*

And, for the uninitiated, those are socks with holes in the heels for the spurs. *grins*

For the older Regs of the Lair, many of them still remember Mom. *chuckles* It was so funny sometimes. We'd be sitting there and I'd find out that Mom was gonna be online and in the Lair. I'd tell everyone to be on their best behavior cause Mom was coming. *laughs* Damn, Tiger had to be mild mannered whenever Mom was around. *grins wickedly*

===Music selections... Little Hands: Duncan Sheik===

So, it was good to have Mom talk to Charles and Sympatico. It worked well and she didn't divulge too many secrets. At least, I hope she didn't. Charles and Sympatico both are still willing to converse with me. Tho, I think we're going to initialize an unspoken "don't ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to Mom. *grins* I have to get her an ID too. I'm sure that her old one is way dead. *chuckles* I don't know... I'll try it tonight, if I can remember what password I used three years ago. *smirks*

I took Joey to the vet on Thursday. And, spent 100 bucks on him. *shakes her head* Of course, the Advantage flea stuff was 40 bucks. *rolls her eyes* He's now 31 lbs or so. We're not exactly sure cause the scale she weighed him on only went up to 30 lbs. But he wasn't heavy enough to use the "big scale". *chuckles*

And, this was a cheap visit. If we were in Tacoma, the visit, for the same stuff and all, would have run about 150 or so. To all of you folks with pets... if you have a flea problem, spend the money to get Advantage. It's the ONLY stuff that really, really works. I've tried a lot of differen flea meds and all. But with him? The absolute best is Advantage. And when they say it works for a full month... they're right.

===Music selections... Wishful Thinking: Duncan Sheik===

*smiles softly* It's been a long day. I've done very little that would be considered productive. I deleted a whole bunch of shit from Mom's old computer.

The intention is to take it up to my Grandmother so that we can get her online for Email purposes. I've been trying to delete shit from the harddrive and no matter what I do, no matter how much space it opens, the defrag and scandisk screens show that there's still a whole hell of a lot of shit on that damned comp.

I'm not all that sure that Gram is gonna want to go online and all, but, we'll find out soon enough. *chuckles* Gram's been pretty adamant about NOT going online. We'll work on it tho. And, depending on what happens Monday, I'll be going up for a week or so to teach Gram how to use the comp. I mean, how to REALLY use the comp. She won't be doing word processing or anything. But I'll teach her some of the games, and I'll teach her how to get online so that she can get Email. I'll probably hook her up with Juno or something like that.

===Music selections... Hold On My Heart: Genesis===

She needs something easy. I'm supposedly the resident computer instructor. *rolls her eyes* Man, if Mom actually realized how much I DON'T know, she'd be amazed. For instance, I don't know jack shit about Java. Absolutely nothing. *chuckles* But, I want to get Gram online for simple Email. If she decides she wants something more in the future, she can get a better computer. Hell, that beastie only has a 9200 modem. Email is about all that thing is going to be able to handle. However, I want to set up a browser and have a few things that it's pointed to right off the bat.

I need to find a few sites that would be appropriate for Gram. Something she'd be interested in. Maybe, if all works out, I'll actually be able to get her into a chatroom or something. OOOOOOHHHHH, I just figured out what I want to do to that comp......

I need to find Mom's old software and all tho.

I'll completely reboot the comp.

===Music selections... Finding Me: Verticle Horizon===

That should wipe most everything on there, which is a necessity. Mom's got some sensitive info on that beastie. Hell, she used that while she was still going to school nearly 6 years ago. It's not like Gram would understand it, but the info is sensitive none the less. Ya know, old case studies and the like. So, over this next week I have to re-up that comp and get it in working order.

Is this as boring to you guys as it is to me? Damn it, Uncle Bob you've infected me with your entries about daily activities. I haven't even put a humorous spin on any of this shit. *rolls her eyes*

So much for planned out entries, eh? Hell, this is the first time in about a week that I've spent more than a rushed hour on my entry. I usually spend at the very least two hours on my entries. That's why you get the long-winded, verbose plethora of mind spewage. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to sift through my mind spewage. *grins*

===Music selections... Iris: Goo Goo Dolls===

I'm hoping that I'll have more time during this next week. Tho I'm not putting much stock in having more time. Hell, I feel like I've been neglecting everyone. Not the least of whom are you dear and precious readers.

Hmmmm, I wonder if I could do humorous on command?

Doesn't look like it. C'est la vie, non?

I don't know, folks. Tonight I just feel... old. I don't know exactly why. maybe cause my eyes still sting a little from my brief bout of tears?

Ya know, that's something that has always bothered me. I don't cry very often. And when I do cry, my crying is usually quite brief. I mean. I think I actually spilled less than 20 tears. Total.

I wonder what it is that really makes my eyes sting. I mean. With 20 tears it can't really be the tears. Perhaps the stinging is actually a psycho-sematic (sp) reaction. Maybe it's just a reaction to the fact that I felt emotional? That's a posibility.

If any of you folks actually know why one's eyes sting after having cried, I'd like to know. Most likely, I'll get bored after a few moments of explanation, especially if the explanation is at all technical, but I'd still like to know. Are any of you willing to transfer the knowledge in one easy-to-swallow pill?

===Music selections... Give You Back: Verticle Horizon===

No, I didn't think that would work either. But hell, it was worth a try.

Hmmm. I heard, a long time ago, that there are little, tiny, weensy bug-like things that live on our eyelashes. Perhaps the tears, however few there may be, irritate these little bug-like things. maybe these little bug-like things have little tiny grains of sand and the bugs scrape the sand against my eyes. That might be a reason my eyes sting.

Trust me, I've been to the ocean on a windy day, the sand stings when it gets in my eyes.

maybe it's the salt content in the saline which make up the tears. Maybe my eyes are alergic to the saline?

*chuckles*

Okay, so it's obvious that I"m REALLY grasping at straws here. *grins* So sue me. *winks*

I was blinded by your eyes, I felt them burn

See? Even Verticle Horizon has felt the burn. I know this isn't a phenomenon exclusive to me. *laughs softly*

===Music selections... Shackled: Verticle Horizon===

If any of you folks are interested in paying me money to write this, I'd be happy with that. But, I suppose if I did that, then you would expect me to actually produce something useful. *grins* Well, if you do want to pay me, buy something from my Store. And, make a store of your own. It's cool and free. Put me down as the person who refered ya. (TigreFatalis is the name in case you might have forgotten). I'm hoping Cafe Press will get something more in their store line up. Like Ball caps or something. I think a lot of people would buy those. More than just T-shirts and mugs and mouse pads. *shrugs* But, who knows.

And yeah, I know I'm rambling. I just am running out of steam and my concentration is working on getting the little eye-lash-bug-like-things to stop spitting sand in my eyes. *winks*

Hey, did any of you folks ever watch that old Star Trek movie The Wrath of Kahn? If you did... do you remember those bug things that crawled out of the guys' ears? Those damned mind-control ear-wig things?

Weren't those gross?

===Music selections... Send It Up: Verticle Horizon===

Okay, hold one, I'm officially cold now, I need to put a blanket over my legs and such. BRB (Be Right Back for the uninitiated)

See? That didn't take as long as you thought it would.

*smirks*

So, I want suggestions on topics for discussion. I have an Email list called Speak Your Mind that ..... well, if you wanna join it, just send a blank Email to [email protected]. That will get you on the list.

===Music selections... We Are: Verticle Horizon===

Right now, I recently sent out a topic basically talking about the article I posted a few days ago... Um... *thinks about the entry number...* this is it. Ya know, that article about the demons and angels and the stories about them which spread from the homeless and shelter kids.

My question is basically, what do you believe? Do you think that the kids are filled with superstition and infobits which are basically worthless and made up, or is there some truth to the stories they tell? and, if there's any truth, what parts are true? What parts do you think are blatantly false?

Discuss that.

===Music selections... The Sentinel: Steve Porcaro (three times in a row, cmon, it's only 30 seconds long)===

Leave me messages on my lonely message board. It's that link down there that says "tell me what you think". If you don't want to talk about that article, then come up with topics of your own. I personally believe that everyone has an opinion and they're welcome to share that opinion. I might not agree with you, but I don't think that any one person has more of a right, or less of a right, to express their opinion.

===Music selections... Amp: Fluke===

Hey, wow, could this be true? Am I actually getting to the end of this entry? NAW, no way. *chuckles*

Yupyup, this is it. I'm tired and I want to post this, finally. And, I want to log on to see if Sympatico is still online. I'd like to actually talk to another living human being. And yes, I qualify that. I don't want to talk to animals at this time, my week's been wierd enough, I don't need to increase the wierdness factor by speaking with animals and stuff. No matter how smart they might be.

Hell, I think what I"d hate most is to find out that the damned animals are smarter than I am.

Isn't it pathetic when you feel you're stupid? I mean, having other people tell you you're an idiot is one thing... but when other people tell you you're smart or have intelligence, and then you look at some of the choices you've made in your life, realizing that only a complete goober would make that choice.... you're faced with the reality that maybe you're not all that bright after all.

Or, am I the only person who has EVER experienced that?

Perhaps I am. *chuckles* It wouldn't be the first time I was in an exclusive group. So exclusive that I was the only member. *grins*

Ya know, Mom was talking to me tonight, as I've already stated too many times to be healthy... and one of the things she commented on, was that when I was younger, I had so much personal motivation. I was motivated to do things for myself. To do it, to get it done, to discover what was standing in my way and either push through it, dig under it, climb over it, or find a way around it. But she said I don't have that anymore.

I'm so apathetic in my life.

Why?

What happened to change my self-motivation into apathy?

When did I really become apathetic?

It was before Cornish.

Was it before Jonny? Or did I lose my motivation at the same time as I lost my purity?

*thinks about that for a few moments*

I remember being about 14 or so and working so hard to earn the money to go to SEP, a three-week summer camp sponsered by our church. I busted my ass for that. I earned something like 150 bucks with a paper route, selling shit door to door... doing chores for other people. Hell, I made up flyers for myself. I was a real entreprenuer.

That year I was turned down. I was rejected. I was never told exactly why.

===Music selections... Toca Me: Paul Oakenfold===

The minister told my parents that he had a suspicion I was denied because of either my age, or my physical size. I was about 30 lbs overweight. Is that when I gave up?

I busted my ass. I broke a sweat many times to earn that money. And my brother didn't lift finger one. But he got accepted. Not only was he accepted, but he was asked to stay all summer. That hurt. That experience taught me that no matter how much effort I put into life, no matter how hard I try, I'll always get picked last.

That might be it.

I wonder how I would combat that "truth" that belief that I seemingly have relied on for so damned many years.

Hmmmm, interesting thought.

That's gonna take a little more time to figure out.

===Music selections... Dreamcatcher: Paul Oakenfold===

Anyway, I'm going to think on that for a while. Perhaps I'll write more about that. Perhaps I'll get more indepth or some such. Who knows. *smirks*

Right now, I want to post this, so I'm going to end it, in order to post it. *chuckles quietly*

Peace unto thy hearts, my dear ones. Thank you for your time and effort. I truly appreciate you.