Woah... Can we say the Fatal Tiger feels rage?

Yes, yes we can. *chuckles*

I was updating a diary I started back in May. One that I had intended to use for letters to my Sperm Donar. I opened the diary with an introduction, then wrote a letter this morning. Woah. That's a lot of time to go by between entries.

And, what's more... I wrote another letter to him this afternoon. *chuckles* Maybe I should go play raquet ball or something to vent this useless and petty rage. That might be a good idea, but I don't play raquetball.

I've been thinking about transcribing this second letter into that diary, but I don't know if that's really wise. I mean, what if, through some strange chance, he actually stumbles on that diary? What would happen then?

He'd see how I really feel about him. He'd see what I think about him. And he'd be hurt. And then I'd feel guilty for having caused a fellow human pain. *rolls her eyes*

I guess the real point here is.... what does the rage do for me???

Why am I so angry? Why?

He split when I was just over a year old. Something like a week after my brother's third birthday, so four months after my 1st.

When I was 16, I asked Gram-Craig (his mother) if there were any chance to meet him. I would have been better off if I'd never met him.

It was strange. After 16 years, I saw him and he hugged me, acting as if I should be crying for joy. *frowns* It was like he believed something had kept us apart and we were being reunited against the odds or some such. Rather than the truth, which was that I'd asked his mother if there was a chance I could meet him.

It was so bizarre. That was 14 years ago. I lived with him for 7 months. July 92 through February 93. For damn sure if I'd never met my Sperm Donar, I'd never have met Duncan. *rolls her eyes*

I look at myself here, wondering what I'm really angry about. I mean... Do I want to have him as my father now? No. Do I want to go back in time in order to have him as my Father? Hell no. Do I want him to treat me like his special daughter? Fuck that shit.

So, my anger is actually the result of petulance. I can see myself as the five or six year old child, red faced, arms folded across her scrawny chest (yes, I was scrawny as a kid) stomping her foot pouting "It's Not Fair"

Well, you know what the adult side of me has to say to that petulant child?

"Fuckin' get over it already."

The five year old wants to know why her daddy cut out on her. The 30 year old knows that he simply didn't have the maturity to handle a family. That he didn't cut out on ME, but he cut out on my mother.

And yet, I still feel abandonded.

Why?

*frowns* I'm not sure why. I think that if I figure out why I feel abandoned, I'll be able to move on and purge the anger that I still seem to harbor against him.

And maybe I won't be so prejudicially biased against parents who refuse to behave as I believe parents should.

Dunno. It's an interesting thought to me.

*shrugs*

If any of you are interested in reading the melo-dramatic filth at that site, you're welcome to. Charlie-D

I guess I feel cheated. I see the way my dad, my step-father, treats his kids. Oh, he loves me, don't misinterpret that. But he loves them more. I suppose in my desire to be loved by everyone in the entire world, to have my own biological father NOT love me really hurts.

But that's a foolish hurt. There's really no reason to hurt. Hell, if I'd grown up with him in my life, who's to say I wouldn't have turned out like my half sister? She's currently about 26 and at last report she had both of her children taken from her because she prefered to be a dealer over keeping her children.

The cycle perpetuated.

Hmmmm

Perhaps I'm afraid that because I got so many of my habits from my sperm donar's genes I think I'll be a "bad" mother?

Dunno. That requires more thought, but at another time. I don't wish to delve any further into my own psyche.

*chuckles*

Yes, Charles, I do over-analyze myself. *chuckles* You were right, dear heart. So much for an artistically analytical mind, hmmm?

Anyway... another topic?

Dawn brought up to me that I should make a "Favor" for Charles. Well, she didn't say I should, but she asked if I was going to. *laughs* I just kinda stared blankly at the screen thinking, "duuuuuhhhh, a favor? Huh?"

*laughs*

So, I've been thinking about it. Dunno. Should I?

Someone came out today to look at my car. he wants to buy it. *chuckles* The problem? It's not really "MY" car. it's Mom's. Atop that, it's in Dad's name.

I told the guy to come back Sunday afternoon. That way Dad should be back here. The car really isn't worth a whole lot. I don't know if I could even get 400 bucks out of it. It's not a classic like Uncle Bob's wife's old Impala.

This is an 85 (I think) Caddy SeVille. The electrical system is screwed. The body is rusting out. The sunroof leaks. The tranny is going. The brakes are crap. It desperately needs new tires. But, if it got a jump start, it would run well. It's been sitting still for quite a while, since August. So it won't start now. *chuckles*

And, there's another downside to selling it. I'd then have to get all the shit out of it. *laughs*

But, if I sold it, then I could have a little extra fundage, ya know? Like... to buy my plane fare out to Dallas. *smirks*

You know what would help? All of you folks need to run out to The Fatal Tiger's store and buy a t-shirt or somethin. *grins*

Or, better yet, go buy something at the Lair Store and get something to commemorate your intention to enter into the wilds of the Role Play Realms. *chuckles*

Or better yet still... buy something from the Uncle Bob Store. Cause that'll give Uncle Bob diaper money for Andy, and it'll give me a referal bonus. *winks*

Hey hey, I'm all about those bonuses folks.

While you're at it, buy something from Quoted's Store cause she's the one who got me started on this Cafe press stuff.

Or, start a store of your own and use me as the referal. *winks*

Oh, and something that doesn't cost anything at all, but would make me feel special.... Go buy a piece of my soul... There's more than enough to go around. *grins* And you know I'm worth it. *winks* Just click on the "buy my soul" image over there to the right. >>>>>>>>>>>

You know you want to.

Anyway, with all those commercials out of the way, I'm gonna jet on out of here for the night. I'm still working on the rewrites of Designing Destiny. When I get more posted, I'll let ya know.

peace and all to you and yours.