How do I cease this irritating and pointless reaction? How do I train myself to accept my paternal parental unit's behavior as a quirk particular only to him? How do I force the understanding through the haze of conditioned response?

I know that I can retrain myself. Will it require my not seein him for an extended period of time?

Seems those times when I most want to run away are after some altercation with my dad. Is it really all me? Is it really just my own problem?

Perhaps I should describe exactly what is going on???

Thisi spartially in response to the bullshit of Sunday. Dad doesn't live here anymore. He's been living in his own apartment about two miles north of the house. He comes over about three weekends a month. I want to solve this problem. So, I must first identify the problem.......

I don't want to talk about this anymore. I think I'm obsessing by writing/thinking about this so often. I think it would be the wiser move to just chalk up dad's foibles as being foibles and love him anyway. And, I have to acknowledge that my reaction is an overreaction and I'm above that.

So, I don't wanna rehash an obsession. I want to let it go.

What's with the new style, eh?

I'm not all that keen on the purple, but I do like the new set up. It's kinda cool. And it's better than seeing the same old tan and orange on every page. *chuckles*

Thanks, Andrew, for adding a little more spice.

My mom asked me today what it is I like so much about Southern men. She asked me why I couldn't find some "nice yankee boy". *chuckles*

I told her that the yankee men don't like me. She said she didn't believe that.

Well... my proof.

Matthew Bartholamew

My best friend from about 9 through 20 or so.

Sweet, gentle, tender, soft spoken. I was a great friend, but not his type. He met a girl from Spokane, was sexually active with her, got her preggers, married her and is now living in Spokane with his wife and two kids.

Bryan White

Tall, gorgeous, kind, sweet-tempered.

He was about 7 or so years older than I. Not a big deal now, but when I was 16 and he was 23... not a good age differential. He always thought of me as his kid-sister.

Mark Sanders

Three or so years older than me. He thought I was a nuicense. He is now married and living in Oaklahoma, or something.

Dan Sanders

Too shy to do much of anything with anyone, let alone say hello.

He worked with my dad for a couple summers. He was sweet, tender, very intelligent, soft spoken, tall... He turned me down for dates twice and he was a no-show at three "group" events.

I saw him again in October of 99 and asked him if we could talk, that I wanted to know if there was any chance for a future of any kind with him. He said he wanted to think about it. I gave him my number, email addys and address. It's been a little over two years with no word.

Ben Farnsworth

We went on one date. We're friends. I'm not his type. If I lost the excess weight I would be. (that's not a self-pitty moment, he told me that point blank)

Butch Kunkle

Not my type.

Nice guy, but, well... I just can't deal with the lamb-chop sideburns. I like Butch well enough, but there's that whole sex with Beckie thing... that bugs me.

Jonny McCormick

*rolls her eyes*

That whole trying to rape me thing really limits my desire. Besides, that sex with Beckie thing creeps up there too. And, he's now married to Beckie. with at least one kid.

Lovell Anthony

Not a very nice guy at all.

Massively fucked up family. Severe abuse as a child and extreme mental and emotional issues. BUT, I still wasn't his type. I was too much of a good girl for him. He's now married to Shirley who comes from a very, very similar background. (similar to his, not mine)

Ted LeRoy (as in le roy not leeroy)

Nice enough guy.

Head game player. I wasn't his type. Too small in the breast department (and I'm not small) AND, I didn't put out.

Peter Mack

Just a friend.

He was interested in me for a month only. I was 18 and he was 35 or so. I was too "good" for him. *shrugs* Besides, he made a better pianist that boyfriend. And, we really did make much better friends than he thought we would lovers. Specifically, cause I don't put out. AND, he was my teacher. *shudders* I'm not EVEN going there.

Dallas AKA Jim Summers

Liar, Thief, Cheat!

He told me he was 6'2" He was actually 5'8" (how do you mis-judge something like that??? One inch? sure, six inches? I don't think so) He made a whole bunch of promises that he broke in rapid-fire succession. He was NOT a nice guy. And, since I wouldn't put out, or drink, or smoke pot (I was just recently turned 19) I wasn't his type. He stood me up three times. It wasn't until the third time that I actually got a brain cell.

Jim Isenberger

Nice guy, sweet and gentle, soft spoken.

Coming off a ten year coke habit. He wanted me to lose weight. "You've got such a pretty face-" Oh, if only it had stopped there. *chuckles* He was a little old for me, but a decent option in comparison to what else was available.

He died seven months after we met.

It still hurts.

Casanova AKA John Zorn

Nice guy, bad rep, I wasn't his type.

Jason Quain

Awesome artist. I wasn't his type.

Shake AKA Shakespear AKA Sean Smith

Bad rep, not too nice a guy. I wasn't his type.

Dalkial AKA Jeremy Smith

Incredible artist

I'm not his type. Good enough for a friend. A good friend at that, but not good enough for a girlfriend.

Bryan Fussman

Sweet guy, gentle, tender kind and soft spoken

I felt so pure around him. He listened to me. He liked me, he thought about moving out here. He came out to visit me. We had five days of peace, joy, happiness and beauty. I was so stuck on him that I was actually thinking about him as a marriage possible.

He told me he loved me. He went home and ignored me for twoo weeks. Finally wrote, telling me that I was wonderful, compassionate, tender and loving and I was a beautiful and extremely important person in his life. As close as family. Like a sister.

Then he ignored me for another couple months. He finally contacted me telling me he had a girlfriend. And she was slender and beautiful.

The Yankee boys don't want me. *shrugs*

I know this entry is full of depression and self-pitty. Forgive me. I needed to get it out.

So, should I give up on all men? Northern men? Southern men?

Personally, I think that there are negative aspects to every man. Just as there are negative aspects to every woman.

This is the way life is.

Men and women have to work together in order to make a relationship work. You can't just see a person and think that everything is going to be perfect because you love each other.

The perfection of love is what smooths over and carries the couple through the rough spots. Love is what keeps the relationship together. It is the commitment to the greater thing than either could be alone.

Love will come. Wether with a southern man, northern man, or marshmallow man. It doesn't matter where the man comes from, it matters that his first commitment is to God and that his second is to me. That's what I'm looking for.