So, let's try this again, shall we? *Rolls her eyes* So, I was kinda wayyyyyyyyyy sidetracked last night. Perhaps I'll stay more within the lines tonight. Whatcha think?

Yeah, me either.

To re-hash...

Therefore, what is it that I hate so much about Patricia?

She played me.

I bought it

She stole him from me... by trickery and deceit.

She's nearly 18 years older than he.

She carries the demonic spirit.

She's just a bad, bad, bad thing.

I just don't like her because she played me and she's old enough to be his mother.

She played me by professing to be MY friend. She took on motherly attitudes and because of her age, it was a fairly easy habit to fall into. I didn't protest. Hell, I was numb. But, I did believe that she was honest. Part of my own gullibility, I suppose. I do tend to take people at their word. And, I often give people the benifit of the doubt even after they've given me plenty of reasons not to.

I don't have any non-circumstantial proof for being her puppet. But, that's how it was. She saw my emotional/psychological state and used that to her advantage.

For many of you, the age thing isn't a big deal. To me? It's a huge deal. Always has been. Any age difference larger than about 8 years just seems so.... *shrugs* wrong. I have no founded reason to think this way, but it's one of my quirks. I suppose it stems from Jonny. *Shrugs* I've told all about him many, many, many times. I'm not going to rehash that. However, the age difference between Jonny and Becky was 6 years.

Though NOW, it's no big deal to me. Jonny is 35 or so while Becky is going on 29. I don't care about the age difference of 6 years or so now that they're both over 27, but when he's 21 and she's JUST 15... that's just too large an age spread.

To me, however, Patricia being only 5 years YOUNGER than my mother really, really, really bothers me. It would bother me if it were anyone else. It would bother me just as much for a man being so much older than the female. Those guys who dump their wives to take up with women more than half their age... those guys really bug me too.

However, that's just one of my personal irritations.

The primary reason I'm pissed off with Patricia...

===Okay, everyone who doesn't want to hear about this next part, you may just as well check this diary again tomorrow. This next section deals heavily with Christianity and demonic possession. These are my beliefs. Everything from here on out, in this entry, is specifically geared toward Christianity being "good" and demons/demonic presense, being "bad". This is my personal belief. IF you don't want to hear it, just don't read it. Thank you.====

Patricia has willingly and voluntarily invited demonic forces to enter her and use her for their purposes. This is the foundation of my rage and fury with her. This is also the foundation of my pity for Duncan.

Before Duncan and I got married, two weeks before our FIRST wedding date, my best friend (at the time) threw a bachelor/bachelorette party for us. I've written about this before, so I'm just going to gloss over it. Robyn (the best friend) accused Duncan of raping her during this small party (there were only four of us). Because of her accusations, which she made to Mom and the minister who would have officiated (not to me), the wedding was postponed.

I was ripped apart. Forced to choose between the maid of honor, and the spouse-to-be. I chose Duncan. And I defended him to the minister, the 'rents and Robyn. During the next 8 months, we rescheduled the wedding and all that... The point... there was a heavy demonic presense. I felt it clearly. I felt the attack against something that had been blessed by God.

Duncan hated Robyn after that. Refused to have anything to do with her. Refused to talk, refused to mention her name, or even hear comments in regard to her. I understand.

Even now, after all this time has gone by, after all the bullshit that has gone on. I have looked back and examined the things which happened, how they happened, and the motives of certain people's actions. I know, without a doubt, that Duncan did NOT rape Robyn. He didn't force himself on her and he didn't offer himself to her in any sexual way. I know this as fact in my life.

Regardless, there was a certain demonic influence at play. Back to the Patricia issue.

The SAME demonic presense was there. A second chance, so to speak, to rip apart the marriage and life of a young woman just newly realizing the power of God. Patricia wreaked of this particular demonic taint. And I could feel the ....... *frowns* Laughter, so to speak.

I pity Duncan because even tho he could feel the demonic presense with Robyn, he was ignorant of the same presense using Patricia. I don't hate Robyn, because she was an unwitting victim. I pity her. Patricia, however, voluntarily granted access to this demonic presense. She does it often.

Patricia felt a growing presense of the Holy Spirit within me. Very weak at that time in my life. I have gotten much stronger in the Holy Spirit as of late. Partially because of that mess. But primarily because I more fully understand God's love for me, His presense in my life.

Regardless, Patricia was forcing my hand, using Duncan as her little pawn. When I told him about this, he told me I was full of shit and that I was jealous. *Shakes her head*

I was not jealous. I can say that in all honesty, because I've scoured, analyzed and over-analyzed my actions, motivations and thought processes. I was not jealous of Patricia. I did NOT want Duncan in my life. But, I knew that Patricia didn't want Duncan. He was simply the pawn. She wanted me. She wanted me to fall, fail and be destroyed. Completely.

Her goal was NOT to woo Duncan and win him as hers, but to destroy me. To tear me down and ruin me. All in the guise of friendship and pseudo-mother-hood. She baited me. I bit. She reeled me in. And she even had me in her net for a while.

I truly felt anger and rage toward Shelly. At Patricia's prompting. During the time Patricia was fucking Duncan, she was talking to me about how wrong it had been for Shelly to be sleeping with him. That I must have been just heart broken that Shelly could have swayed Duncan from me.

She told me I was so much prettier and sweeter than Shelly, and didn't it just piss me off that Shelly was getting him to do things with her that he wouldn't do with me... I bought it. I so bought it. That's how the truth-out came about.

She suggested it.

It wasn't until after the truth-out and subsequent moving out of the apartment, back into my folks place, that I found out from Shelly that she had broken up with Duncan the morning he saw me at the post office. That was when I found out WHY she'd broken up with him... cause she'd gone over there that morning and he answered the door with his hair amess and glitter all over his face.

I believe Shelly. Even now I believe her. I don't like her, but I believe her. Shelly is not a liar. Shelly is cheap, slutty and low-class, but she is not a liar. Shelly, since that time, severed her relationship with Patricia and Debbie. She still doesn't associate with either of them. Or Duncan, for that matter.

I also don't harbor hatred toward Shelly because she was truly and completely in love with Duncan. Her motives were real and honest. She just has no class. Duncan and Shelly would be a good match. I still believe that.

Patricia, however, didn't want that. Patricia wanted Duncan all to herself. She wanted Duncan because she knew... knew intimately, that I would do anything rather than divorce him. That even tho I didn't love him anymore, I would rather sacrifice myself than break my wedding vows.

So, she whispered those little words to me. Prompting me to cut Shelly out of the equation. Prompting me to push Debbie away as well. She prompted me to believe her, to trust in her and to accept her as a part of the "family".

Her original goal was to cut me out and brand me as hers. To win ME. She was more than willing to have sex with me. She offered a few times. She offered to make it a menage trois. Many times over. With each refusal I made, she got more and more determined to destroy me.

Even in my personal exile... even after I had made myself numb, there was a line I just would not cross. And that pissed her off so completely. She started pointing out those things that were bad about Duncan. Still stating how loyal to me she was. Uh uh. She is a liar, a bitch and a fucking whore. She fucking whores herself to fucking demons. That is the ultimate in disgusting to me.

I refused to play her game. There was a point when I woke up. That night of the truth-out. When I actually cried. It was a cleansing of sorts. YES, I hurt. Yes, I was angry and sad and depressed and felt like a complete failure... but I was honest. Completely and totally honest.

Duncan couldn't handle that. He simply couldn't handle the total and complete honesty. He needed the facade.

That's what he'd loved about me the night we met. He fell in love with the image I portrayed. The "Tiger" persona. That's what he truly loved about me. After he got to know me, he liked the fact that I was gentle and kind and soft, but what he LOVED, was that I would allow the world to see only a little bit of who and what I was.

===I suppose that's one of the reasons why I post these entries... to be completely and totally honest with who and what I am. So that I don't forget who and what I am. So that I don't forget to be real. So that I don't fall into the familiar facade again.===

So, when I was completely and totally honest, it was like something "came to" within me. Even tho I shoved everything painful back into its box... even tho I shut down again, there was a part I couldn't turn off again. And that was the part that realized Shelly wasn't the bad guy. Debbie wasn't the bad guy. And Duncan wasn't the bad guy.

Oh yeah, they all did some really crappy things. And they all fucked up. But so did I. I made some really, really bad choices. I made some really fucked up decisions that set this whole problem into motion.

But, none of the four of us were malicious in our mistakes.

I suppose that's the big difference. And, I suppose that's the real and whole reason that I absolutely hate Patricia "Kitty" Hampton. Shelly, Debbie, Duncan and I were wrong. We made stupid, bad and wrong choices. We sinned. But we did so through stupidity. We were stupid, not mean.

Patricia was malicious. She manipulated me and all of those in our little "group". She "played" me. Patricia orchestrated the divorce between Duncan and I by whispering about how I didn't deserve to be treated the way Duncan was treating me. And if he ever treated her that way, she would divorce him in a second. She stated that I should be free to find someone who really loved me. She said that Shelly was evil for having fucked Duncan. She said that I was so abused and mistreated because Shelly and Debbie both had been using Duncan.

She stated that she was the only person who would really be honest with me.

Regardless, when I "woke up", I took a long look at Patricia. The five of us were together one night and I watched her all night. I turned to Duncan after a while, when Patricia, Debbie and Shelly were all gone from the table. I looked him in the eyes and said, point blank, "You're fucking her, aren't you?"

He stared at me in shock for a moment, then nodded with a half-assed grin on his lips.

I accepted that with a simple nod. Then I studied Patricia a little more. When she returned to the table, she looked at me and... she knew something was different. A look of fear and guilt passed through her eyes for a moment as she noticed my expression didn't change.

I looked at her and when I was ready to leave, I stood up, speaking quietly. I told her she'd won him. Then I simply walked out and didn't ever look back.

After I"d filed for divorce, Duncan and I met for lunch one day. He was still living with Patricia. This was only about a month later. I asked him if he recognized Patricia yet. He stared at me as if I had grown a second head. I took that as a no.

I told him that if he actually thought about it, he would recognize Robyn. He told me I was full of shit and that I was just jealous of Patricia.

I looked at him, speaking quietly. I don't remember my exact words, but the gist was that I didn't want him as a husband anymore. I didn't want him as a friend. And I didn't want to have to talk with him on a friendly basis. But I also didn't want him to be fucked up for life and if he stayed with Patricia, he would literally be used until there was nothing of him left.

To say the least, he didn't agree.

Fine. He didn't have to agree. It was my belief alone. It doesn't matter if he believes me or even accepts my opinion.

*Shrugs*

So, the reason I'm pissed with Patricia? She maliciously manipulated the four of us. She maliciously orchestrated the relationships with the intention of completely destroying me. Spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and physically.

Now that it's almost three full years later, I still hate her.

And does my understanding why give me a way to stop hating and forgive?

I don't know yet.

But I understand, and that's more than I had before.

So, enjoy and peace unto thy hearts.