So... Another day, another entry.

Have any of you noticed that more people search for diaries to read in the early morning?

I get more new hits when I post an entry in the early AM, than at any other time of the day.

I just thought that was kind of interesting.

Anyway...

I really don't have a whole lot of importance to say, I just wanted to give my hellos and all. Symptico helped me a lot on the design of the Archive page, so go check it out. AND, click on one of the archive links. Trust me. It's way cool. Kinda wierd, but very cool.

If Sympatico (and all the rest of you 'Net gurus) is a computer geek, then I'm a geek-in-training. *chuckles*

I watched Jerry McGuire with Mom tonight. I've seen the movie before, but this was the first time in quite a while that I watched it.

I was thinking... (Okay, Charles... over-analyzing) the female character, played by Renee Zelwegger, or however she spells her name...

There are so many women out there who want what she wanted... the man that will be there... truly be there. And when she sees couples in restaurants being all loving and such... she misses that. She wants it.

For a long time I have sneered at that kind of hopeless romanticizing. But I think the major reason I was so against it, is cause I wanted that too, and thought it was a weakness.

Now, let me see if I can explain this a little more clearly...

As most of you surely know, I'm not a typical girly-girl. I don't do the whole shopping, bathroom-in-pairs, million-pairs-of-shoes thing. I don't get prissy about make up or hair. I don't obsess about what to wear for what, or who I'm going out with or who I'm going to meet.

I don't get all sad and depressed when someone doesn't call. I don't get all flipped out if someone doesn't notice me. I don't scream or bounce when I see someone I haven't seen in a long time. I don't get all wierded out when some "cute guy" walks past. And, I don't play the Game. That's just not me. I don't do the whole "he said: she said" thing.

Now... The "why" of all that? *shrugs* I don't do the bathroom in pairs thing cause I know how to wipe my own hind end, thankyouverymuch. I don't do the million pairs of shoes thing cause ya just don't need that many. I've only got one pair of feet. Therefore, it should not take any more than 10 pair, maximum, of shoes to outfit myself for any occassion.

hell, I have a pair of high-top hiking boots that I wear daily. I have one pair of burgundy heels for extremely dressy situations. I have one pair of dress boots... granny-style. I have one pair of sandals, somewhere around here... and I have one pair of shoes that I got specifically for the Gulf Wars event, but couldn't wear cause my ankle was fuckered up. (still is, by the by)

That's more than enough for me... OH, and I have a pair of buckskin slippers too, but they're not necessarily "shoes". If I didn't plan on having at least one ultra-dressy event per year, I'd totally toss the burgundy heels. Hell, I'd toss the Gulf Wars shoes too, but I'm planning on going to the next Gulf Wars, so I'd better keep em.

Anyway... The point... the real and true point...

I don't like the whole emotional, weapy, weak side of the female character in the movie. That character seems, to me, to be placing more faith in the fantasy than the reality...

And Yes, I suppose that's the whole reason I think of it as a weakness. Especially in me.

Expecting someone else to complete you is simply not healthy. Honestly. Maybe I feel this way because I was hurt more seriously than I realize?

I don't know. To me, depending on someone else... a human being... for any kind of support whatsoever is truly foolish. Now, I'm saying this as I sit on the bed my father bought for me, in the house my mother pays for, using the internet service provider my mother pays for, with the phone line my mother pays for.

I consider myself weak because I am completely and totally dependant upon my parents. I consider myself weak because I physically AM weak. I can't walk far or long, I can't stand for more than ten minutes, and lately, I can't sit in one place for more than about 40 minutes without having to move because of the pain.

There has to be another way to do this living thing.

However, I think that I am so disgusted with the concept of ME being a romantic, because it is yet another sort of dependance. Expecting/hoping for someone else to provide me with happiness, joy, love, attention...

My ex continuously told me he wanted to make me happy. The cynical part of me knew that simply wasn't possible. The romantic side of me desperately wanted it to be possible.

I still don't believe in the whole "love at first sight" myth. But, I've explained that too many times over the past few months.

I suppose I'm angry with myself because I truly did expect my husband to make me happy. *shrugs* I'm not sure. I haven't figured that part of me out yet.

I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold most everyone else I deal with. There are only three people in this entire world that I hold to an almost equal standard. Those three have never given me reason to lower the bar, so to speak.

There is absolutely no way that I could say that without sounding snooty. *shrugs* But, it's the "Judge Judy" in me. *chuckles*

I expect a certain level of performance from those three people. Charles, Sympatico and my Mother. I used to hold Bryan to a higher standard, but he showed me that he simply wasn't up to it. That's why he's dropped to sub-par.

Anyway... Charles, Sympatico and my mother have never given me reason to doubt their integrity, loyalty, honesty and high moral standards. It seems to me that they hold themselves to a higher standard than most of the rest of the world.

Dunno, folks.

I hate it when I see a weakness in myself. I really hate it. Most of the time I haven't been able to do anything about it... the methods I've tried haven't worked. Specifically with the weight thing.

Therefore, I think I over-compensate by completely shutting down the romantic side of me. Since there isn't a man in my life now, I feel no need to contemplate romance.

My mother went to dinner at a friend's place this past weekend and was telling me about two of the young men they saw there. The two young men were Christian men who were bemoaning the fact that there were no Christian women left in the world.

Mom's thought... Isn't that funny... just over the river, there are two women saying the same thing about men.

Now, I have complained to myself and to those of you who read this diary, about the fact that there just isn't a man out there who would actually be interested in me. Of course, there's a little more to it than that, but you get the picture.

I sincerely believe that there isn't a man who could perform up to my standards who would actually want me.

But I so desperately want to be wanted.

And I feel, personally, like wanting to be wanted is a tremendous weakness. It opens the door for devistation.

It's not that I believe there are no Christian men left in this world. It's that I believe no Christian man that I would deem worthy, would be interested in me.

I want a man who wants a romantic woman. But I'm afraid to be that romantic woman. I'm afraid of showing that I do have a heart and a softness inside because I've been hurt. And, because the world at large is not a nice place. AND, because I desperately want a man to be protective of me, and I know that it's only a matter of time before a mistake is made and I get hurt.

I don't like pain.

Physical pain? It fades quickly and is gone from memory very soon. You can take perscribed drugs for physical pain which don't completely obliterate your mind. However, to escape from the emotional pains? Those take a lot more time, have serious repurcussions and the drugs to remove those can seriously and completely destroy a person.

Okay, I would prefer to slip into a new avoidance/denial segment and stop talking about this. I know that if anything, I only muddied the waters further. so be it.

As I heard recently... "Fuckin get over it already"

Peace unto thy hearts.