Today I am 31. What have I learned from these years I've been alive? I've learned that no matter how old you get, no matter how well you've been educated, no matter how smart you are, there is ALWAYS something you don't know and something else to learn.

I've lived in this new house for two days. Or rather, I've spent two nights. I've awakened in the morning and made my bed before doing any other activity. This is a new thing. I don't think I've made my bed twice in a row since I was about 8 years old or so.

I'm currently listening to Mozart's requiem. I started with Introitus. Then comes Dies Ire, Rex Tremendae, Confutatis and the Lacrymosa. I love Mozart. He's my favorite composer. But following closely is Orff with his Carmina Burana.

Fortuna Imperatrix
Mundi
Chramer
Gip Die Vorwe Mir
Intaber
Naquando Sum
Circa Meo Pectora
Si Puer cum Puelluia
Veni Veni Venias
Intrutina
Tempus Est Iocundum
Dulcissime
Ave Formosissima
O Fortuna
Hosanna Filio David
Media Vita In Morte Sumus

Now, that list of the various acts of the Carmina Burana would be so much more impressive if I were sure that's how those acts were spelled. *Chuckles* I, of course, am copying that from my tape case. But, knowing me the way I do, it would have been very easy for me to mis-print one of the letters or something. I'm not really good on Latin. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure if that IS Latin. *Chuckles*

Hey, any of you out there have a strict Catholic School background? Or, do the schools in Canada still teach Latin as a part of the general curriculum? Or am I just completely making myself sound stupid and completely ignorant?

See? This is part of what I meant by my opening comment. No matter how much I believe I have accomplished, there is more to learn. And I'm not looking at that in a fatalistic sense. I'm more thinking about it as a reminder for me to not get too cocky, while being assured that I don't have to take on the world's problems yet.

When I was first married... or rather, the month before I got hitched and then the subsequent year after that... I had a friend I felt I could tell anything to. He was a man I treasured above all others. (Story of my life... best friends have always been men) But it was more than just a friend thing... I was drawn to him.

I suppose I could say that I was in love with him? No, that's seems such a paltry and pathetic phrase for how I felt about him. It wasn't a sexual thing. I didn't want to fuck him. I didn't want to devote my life to his every pleasure. However, I did want to spend my every waking minute staring into his intense (oh man... so very intense) eyes. I wanted to spend the rest of my life listening to his words, speaking and ...... *falters*

There was something so complete and perfect when we spoke together. Again, it wasn't a sexual thing. Oh, trust me, there was a sexual aspect, but that's not what kept me wanting to be around him, and that's definitely not what I miss so desperately now.

He and I were of comparable age. He was in the Army, stationed at Fort Lewis here in Washington. He was married to a friend's sister. Phil was his name. The sister/wife was Jenny. *Shudders violently* My friend, through whom I met Phil was Shelly. I don't think Shelly knows I'm divorced. It's been almost four years since the wreck and this November it will be three years since the finalization of the divorce.

Regardless... back to Phil of the perfect eyes. *Chuckles softly*

When he and I would sit together, talking, debating, having a legitimate conversation, time would stand still. Life was put on hold and I could see the world within his eyes. I could see the things he was talking about. He could see the things I was talking about. We had such a perfect connection. I swear I could have reached out and felt his soul. I always sat spell bound in his presence. If it was just the two of us in a room, I would be zeroed in on his eyes, nothing else would distract me. If there was someone else in the room... sometimes I wouldn't notice them.

This was a source of intense irritation for my husband. Especially when he was the one who walked into the room and remained ignored. *Smiles faintly*

For about six months or so (D 'n' I and Phil 'n' Jenny attended the same church) every Sabbath night we would have Phil and Jenny over for dinner and movies/drinking/discussion/whatever.

Phil and Jenny looked so cute together. He was about 5'10" or so, maybe a little shorter. She was about 5'6" or so, possibly a little shorter. She was of perfect shape. Probably weighed less than 110 lbs soakin wet. He was aproximately 210lbs or so. Broad shoulders, thick chest, and thighs.... *closes her eyes, exhaling slowly* Mmmmmmm.

Anyway... they looked perfect together. Dark, tall (compared to her), thick-body male with petite, blonde, girly-girl. And she was a girly-girl too. Shopping was her first passion in life. Purchasing new shoes gave her an orgasm. Well, okay, I don't know about that, but she definitely spent more time obsessing over what she had, what she was going to have and what Phil was going to get her/do for her than anything else.

She was so snide, snippy and petty. There was one evening where the family and D 'n' I were over at there house for a casual evening/party. Shelly and Amber were there (a couple), Todd was there too (brother to Shelly and Jenny). Phil had just completed the task of bringing everything in from the car. D didn't help, Shelly didn't help, Amber didn't help, Todd didn't help and Jenny especially didn't help. She simply left the car, head held high... snooty as all hell.

I offered Phil my help but he smiled, shook his head and told me that it was okay. He was used to it.

*Shakes her head*

Regardless, he had just completed unloading the car, sat down in the living room in front of his guests and cracked open a beer. Jenny called out from the kitchen that she needed Phil to take the trash out. He swallowed his first mouthful of beer saying he would do it in just a minute "honey". She got irritated and with the most snide and snotty sound I had ever before heard stated, "Not in a minute, NOW!"

Phil closed his eyes and I swear I could hear his heart breaking just a little. He sighed, put down his beer and started to stand up. It was as he was standing up that Jenny called out again, this time almost screaming, though her tone never actually got officially to "scream" decibels. "Damnit, NOW!"

Todd snickered, saying that Phil was pussy whipped. Shelly looked embarrassed and sorry. Shelly knew what a piece of...... work... her sister was. ---For the friends of that family, it was long-known that Shelly was "the best one". *Smiles* All the people I ever spoke to who knew and were friends with the various children of that family all proclaimed Shelly as the most normal, dependable and "healthy" of them all. And she's pretty damned fucked up. *Smiles softly* I say this with the utmost love and adoration. I have always admired Shelly. Always. And I miss her.---

Regardless, Todd was snickering, Duncan was frustrated but, as he told me later, envisioning Jenny as the receptacle for a Grudge Fuck. Amber was oblivious. Shelly was ashamed of her sister's behavior. I was hurt because I felt what I imagined was a breaking heart. And I stood, offering to help. Phil shook his head saying he would do it alone. I smiled softly, but as he went to get the single bag of trash (it was a single, plastic grocery bag) I went outside.

I walked with him to the trash bin and with that unspoken understanding, we didn't mention Jenny at all. We almost never spoke of her. It was like she hadn't existed.

There was one time, nearing the end, where Phil and I were talking yet again and he made a confession of sorts to me. He told me that when he'd first seen me, he had been immediately turned off. He had written me off as someone who was stupid and didn't have the ability to think. He thought that because I was fat, I was automatically stupid and he was extremely not attracted to that.

However, as he got to know me, he looked past that physical barrier. He looked past the fat part of me and started to touch my soul. He started to breathe in the dreams and fantasies of my pure heart. He began to live within the world I had created inside my skin. He understood me.

He told me, quietly and while we were completely alone, that he was sorry for judging me based on how I looked. I waved my hand and shook my head trying to say that it was okay, I was used to it. *Smiles softly* But he cut me off speaking softly. He told me that I was a surprise to him. He said that he used to think that things of beauty only came in beautiful packages.

*Smiles softly, tenderly*

So why am I telling you this? Why am I divulging something I have kept close to my heart knowing it's probably the only thing I'll ever have of him again?

Because I've recently met someone who reminds me very much of Phil. The problem is this... His wife isn't a bitch. His wife is a nice woman and someone I believe I could really enjoy. IF I could handle relationships with women. *Rolls her eyes at herself*

The point... I can't allow myself to be so interested in the mind and soul of another person because he has someone he is complete with. Furthering the perfection of the relationship between he and I would be unfair to his wife. There would never be anything other than a hug that happened between he and I, IF we ever met IRL. However, to me, it would be adultery of the mind. I can't have even a moment of irritation on his wife's part be due to my existence in life.

Paranoid and egotistical? Yup, you betcha.

But still... I would have spent a lifetime just sitting before Phil, staring into his eyes and listening to his life unfold before me. He told ME his dreams. He told ME his hopes and fears. Because I listened and didn't judge him.

And this other man? *Shakes her head* I would listen, but his wife listens to him better than I do. His wife is a warm and welcoming woman. And, he loves her so much. The relationship between this husband and wife is nothing at all like the relationship between Phil and Jenny.

So the part that really hurts???

When I realize that this man doesn't have room for me in his life, the way I want to fit... it reminds me of Bryan.

Somehow I just know that if I ever met this man IRL, I would feel that instantaneous shock of spirit against spirit. The way I did with Bryan.

When Bryan stepped off the plane, I felt him before I saw him.

Somehow, I think it would be the same way with this man.

I'm reminded of the words to a song called You Still Move Me by Dan Seals.

I've often wondered
what would I do
If I found you alone like this
would I remember
what I've got at home
Or forget it all with your kiss

cause when you left me
I was hurtin so
she picked me up off the ground
and I do love her
I want you to know
that I never wanna let her down

but you still move me
though I'd never let her know
there's a place inside of me
that just won't let you go
and everytime I hold her in my arms
or look into her eyes
I wonder this time does it show
cause you still move me

I guess I better leave now
before its too late
before these feelings go too far
but I had to see you
just one more time
cause it's been tearin me apart

cause you still move me

and I wonder how much longer
can this go on
the feelin's wrong
I know it's wrong
and I don't know which way to turn
here with you
or home with her

cause you still move me
though I'll never let her know
there's a place inside of me
that just won't let you go
and every time I hold her in my arms
or look into her eyes
I wonder this time does it show
that you still move me

you still move me

god you move me

So then, after all the above thoughts go through my mind. After I listen to the song a few times and think about it, after I wonder if I'm really reacting to some strange stimulus or if the thoughts and ideas roiling through my mind are really honest. Then I realize I'm probably over thinking the situation and I back off.

So, bottom line? I probably won't ever meet this person face to face, so what does it matter? Getting all flummoxed about someone on-line is foolish and petty right? Sure. That's what I keep telling myself.

When it's all said and done, I don't have the time or energy to devote to any sort of relationship right now. I have to get my life straight before I can thrust another twist into the strand of rope I've weaving.

C'est la vie, non?

Oui, mon amore.

J