I'm really trying to put his part in my life behind me. I don't consider it better to have loved and lost, but I've been told that's because I'm not far enough away from the hurt part to tell. Regardless, I made what I hope is a positive step forward today.

Tomorrow (Monday) is Bryan's 26th birthday. I sent him a simple E-card. Next Saturday, the 20th, is his wedding day.

I sent him a wedding card. I was crying as I wrote it. But as much as it feels like someone just shoved their hand into my chest, grasped my heart and ripped it viciously from behind my ribs, I think this is a necessary step. I meant what I told him in that card. I don't know if he'll ever get it. I don't know how often he checks that Email address. And I know that the week before your wedding can be rough.

Oh, I so hope this pain goes away soon. I hurts so, so, so bad.

I have this internal desire to start walking, go to Dallas and crash the wedding so that I can stand up at that specific time and say... "don't marry her... marry me."

But then, logic takes over once again and I lecture myself on the fact that... he's five years younger than I. He's got lower moral character than I. (I would love to pretend it were otherwise, but the truth speaks) He is not a good match for me.

But oh how it hurts.

And I continue to lecture myself, telling me that it's foolish to cry for someone who told you where you stand two years ago. I know that Russell would be all defensive of me. I know he would offer to beat the guy up. *chuckles quietly*

That's sweet, hon, but not what I need.

Charles would probably (guessing here) tell me something like... "He hurt you. You've been feeling the pain long enough. You're stronger than that. I'd think you would realize that and move on."

*chuckles quietly* Very practical.

So, I push the hurt away and look logically. I know how to look at the logic of it. THerefore, I was able to write the card and say everything I meant and mean without getting too farggin sappy.

And, much as my heart wanted to type it, I did NOT say "I hope she loves you as much as I do."

*smiles faintly*

I need to move on. But I don't know how to purge the hurt. I know how to not feel it, but I don't know how to purge it. I have to do that this week. A time limit on pain? Can this be so? Hell yes. I will learn how to purge the pain this week.

Anyway... Bryan... I give you my blessing. Honestly and without chains. May she be everything you need, want and desire.

and no, that's not what I wrote on the card.

To Bryan

Wishing you all good things, the world has to offer. I hope the love you vow your soul to today completes your life; body, mind and spirit. May she be all you have searched for and all you dreamed love could truly be. And may you remember that in her eyes, forever is possible and wanted with her.

May she love you completely and fully.

For whatever it's worth, I place upon you my blessings for your happiness and completeness.

- J

That's what I sent.

I will learn to purge this emotional stuff this week!