Today is the longest day of the year. I kid you not. Today had 25 hours in it. You do the math.

I think the short day should be in the late fall and the long day should be in the spring. But what do I know? I'm not a scientist.

I wonder when I'll find the right path. It seems more and more evident lately that every time I entertain the thought of someone liking me for more than just a friendship... I get screwed.

For those of you who might not have a clue about me and who are thinking about enjoying my company... let me let you in on a rule I have.

You don't cheat with me and you don't cheat on me!

Some of you out there may be into the poly-amorous lifestyle... good for you, more power to ya, have fun.

Some of you might be into the homosexual life style... more power to ya, have at it, enjoy.

Some of you might be into the cheating on your spouse with or without their permission lifestyle... have at, enjoy yourself, pay your childsupport... But don't you ever fucking knock on my fucking door, bastard!

You might wonder why I'm so pissed off... did I fuck a married man?

No.

Hell, we haven't even seen each other face to face. And, now, we never will.

I don't play this game, people. My husband cheated on me and it fucking hurt. It fucked me up pretty badly and contrary to what many of you men seem to think, it's not just a bed.

*grumbles*

So, why am I pissed off if this relationship with a married man was only online and over the phone as well as being completely non-sexual?

Because he lied to me about being divorced after I told him two years ago that I wouldn't be more than a friend since he was married. He had to either commit to her or get divorced.

Last year he contacted me and told me he was divorced. That it was hard, but he finally did it. He again professed an interest in me. I refused to listen as he was just divorced. I told him to live on his own without someone else there for at least six months before coming back to me with promises of love.

He contacted me again (we've had sporadic, friendly contact throughout the past two years, but not consistant) about a month and a half ago.

He missed me and loved me and wanted to visit and wanted me to visit him and made plans for how he would spend our future together. I started listening. Hell, he was divorced, had no girlfriend. He was officially on the market, right?

WRONG!

One of the problems with Yahell messenger is that every once in a while it will show the screen name of someone who isn't really online.

His name was lit up Friday night, so I tried to message him. Another part of Yahell messenger is that you can save the trannies in an archive. So... I have removed the name of the BIQ (Bastard In Question) because there is a faint 2% chance that this whole transcript was actually a really bad joke and he's NOT married. But... well... each day with no contact whatsoever... that percentage is down to about one tenth of one percent.

Anyway... Read on.

burnttiger (08:45:58 PM): Are you here now????

(08:46:24 PM): NO THIS IS HIS WIFE

burnttiger (08:46:45 PM): *nods* Uh huh.

(08:47:26 PM): what he dosen't have one?

burnttiger (08:47:58 PM): What he doesn't have one? Excuse me? This comment makes no sense.

burnttiger (08:49:56 PM): Seriously, who is this?

(08:50:29 PM): HIS WIFE

burnttiger (08:51:35 PM): Wife as in he's still married kind of wife or wife as in he's divorced?

(08:54:14 PM): still married, he left this and other message boxes up. i was closing them when you started with how is this. I came down here to play some simcity and got this.

burnttiger (08:54:57 PM): Uh huh. Very interesting. I was completely unaware that he was still married.

(08:55:11 PM): still?????????????????????

(08:55:31 PM): explain please.

burnttiger (08:55:52 PM): *nods* I was under the impression that he was divorced and living with a male roommate.

(08:56:53 PM): well we have a roommate but if were divorceing; he forgot to tell me.

(08:57:11 PM): this is interesting

burnttiger (08:57:46 PM): *nods thoughtfully* Well then... *is completely shocked and taken aback* I'm sorry for having disrupted your life. I'm so very, very sorry.

(09:01:32 PM): no problem here im fine when he gets up tommrow i'll be asking some rather large questions. But all in all Im not supirsed . hr spends too much time down here on this thing not to be telling some lies to some one. hope i did not screw up your night. please don't think im mad or something.

burnttiger (09:03:13 PM): *smiles softly* No, friend. But I am mad. I'm exceedingly pissed off. Please, just know that I'm sorry.

(09:05:38 PM): ok sorry acknowlaged , looks like he'll heve MORE than enough explaning to do in the morrning .

burnttiger (09:06:13 PM): *nods* Thank you. Peace unto thy heart.

(09:06:23 PM): just one small question if i may

burnttiger (09:06:32 PM): Yes?

(09:06:38 PM): how badly has he made me out

burnttiger (09:07:09 PM): Worse than I believed you to be.

(09:07:59 PM): aha i see thank you sorry this came to pass. merry meet marry part

burnttiger (09:09:08 PM): *smiles softly* Likewise.

This is a man who knew, without a doubt, how I felt about marriage and the sanctity of it. This is a man who knew, without a doubt, how I felt about being the spouse everyone was laughing at because she was being played. And, he knew, without a doubt, how I felt about the women who cheated with my husband.

I refuse to be a whore. I absolutely refuse.

For some people, the word "cunt" is most offensive.

For me? It's "whore".

I am very, very angry that I was, through my own stupidity, of course, put in a position where I could be even a small part in the break up of a marriage.

A single straw by itself is extremely light. But I know all of you have heard about the straw that broke the camel's back.

I don't want to be that straw. Ever.

And I refuse to be.

So, since every romantic relationship I have been a part of so far has either caused me pain or resulted in someone else being hurt, humiliated or shamed... I think a nunnery is looking really good right about now.

I guess that's why I see myself as living alone for the rest of my life.

I can't trust a man to be honest unless he's Russell -- who respects me as a friend. Or Charles -- who knows the value of truth and honesty but simply doesn't rely upon anyone else for any form of validation whatsoever.

I think I'm done.

I think I'm really done.

I don't like pain.

It hurts.