The hard thing about being through such a petty and juvinile thing as this past weekend, is that what the emotional side of me would like, is someone to hold me. Just hold me and let me cry.

Of course, I don't honestly feel like crying. I just feel like I'm supposed to feel like crying. *shrugs*

Karen, Dev, Daath, Bioux and Trin all said some very nice, gentle, compassionate and comforting things on the message board. They are wonderful people to take the time out of their lives to aid in encouraging me.

And yet... I feel somewhat empty. Not empty in that I think the words they said were meaningless. That's not the case at all. I appreciate what you said, folks. I really do. I am so very blessed to have friends like you in my life.

And yet...

I guess empty isn't the right description. I'm cold. I'm angry. I'm hurt because I was lied to and because I was an idiot, I chose to believe the lie.

There is a two-fold problem here, folks... On one side I am angry and pissed off that I was lied to. But the other side says that I was the one who chose to believe. I was the one who chose to put the promise in a position of importance. I was the idiot who believed that since I"d told him how I felt about men who break their promises, he would take that to heart and then not break a promise.

I was wrong.

And yes, I admit that I bear a large burden of responsibility here. A very large burden. Jesse never once held a gun to my head, demanding that I listen to his promises of devotion.

I've been thinking about covetousness. For the longest time, I thought being covetous was wanting what your neighbor had. Wanting it so much that you would do anything to get it.

I"m not so sure that's what true covetousness is. I'm beginning to think that covetousness is wanting something you don't have. Wanting it with longing. For instance... wanting someone to hold me, when I don't have a mate... that's covetous. It takes my focus away from the true goal.

I suppose that's the point. Instead of my whining and bitching and moaning about how some jerk lied and I was the asshole who bought the ocean front property in Arizona... I should be focusing on getting healthy.

I should use this anger, these tears, these feelings of being truly and completely worthless, to fuel my walking. I should use it to burn through the pain of movement. I should use it...

I guess I should walk it off. My Brother used to tell me that all the time. When I'd fall and twist my ankle, my brother would snear at me and tell me to get up and walk it off. But it hurt. It hurt a lot. And there were times when I'd snapped my ankle so badly that it felt like it was broken.

Maybe I should have just gotten up and walked it off?

Maybe that's what I should do now. Turn a blind eye to men of the relationship variety. But it was a long time that I did that before. Hell, it's been quite a while since Bryan was actually out here.

But I didn't really focus on someone else, did I? No, I was still hung up on him. And now Jesse. *smiles sadly*

My judgement is poor.

So, how to walk it off...

I'll just move on with my life. And, I'll stop wanting what I don't have.

C'est la vie, mes ami.