I did call the counseling office last night as soon as I logged off. I expected there to be an answering machine. There was a live person there. I was so embarrassed. But, I talked. I told the person who answered the phone that I needed counseling. She went through the whole intake form. I felt like... Two things... I felt embarrassed because I shouldn't need help. I should be able to do this all by myself without help. And then, I felt relieved. Someone was actually there, listening to me without judgement.

When I told her that I was embarrassed... that I thought I needed to do this on my own, but that I just realized I couldn't... She said that it sounded like I had done very well on my own, but I was being given a choice. It was like being dumped in the middle of a sawmp. I could get out of the swamp by myself... I'd been doing a pretty good job so far, but that sometimes it's possible to have a guide, someone who can show you where the shallow spots are.

I like that.

That's a safe image.

It's like stopping to ask for directions.

I don't want to, I don't like stopping to ask for directions. I will drive around and nine times out of ten, I can figure out where I am and get going in the right direction again without too much time lost. But, there's something I've been struggling with for the past ten years plus a little. It's time to stop and actually ask for help.

I'm both relieved and "uncomfortable" about this. I say uncomfortable because "nervous" isn't right. "scared" isn't the right word either. "Angry", "sad" and "confused" aren't right either. "uncomfortable" is the only word that really fits. This emotion/feeling can't even be accurately described as "uneasy".

It's like having a sliver, a small one. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't perceptibly impact your daily life, it's just... uncomfortable.

Anyway, this is what I wrote immediately after concluding the call:

I just got off the phone with the counseling office. I was shaking so hard. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. My brain says I did what's right. My ego says I don't need any help.

I need to go through this diary and find the entries which speak most frankly and concisely. I need to make a note of each entry which would help give my counselor a better view of what I'm trying to combat.

I need sleep now.

And, I need to delete a few profiles from Yahoo.

I need to purge the parts of my life which do nothing but hurt me.

Four years ago I couldn't live without role playing in yahoo chat. I don't feel that way anymore.

A cherished and much-respected friend often refers to the internet as a "consequenceless environment". I now really disagree.

There may be no physical ramifications but there are definitely emotional, psychological and social consequences. For me at least.

I have been living here for five years. I know three adults and two chidren with whom I socialize. My parents, sister and nice and nephew.

My life is mine. If I can't live without the internet, then something is really wrong.

My life is mine. I have to lvoe me.

Stop comparing myself to others.

Start walking again.

Breathe.

Just breathe.

So, that's what I wrote last night. How much do I still mean?

All of it.

Sometimes I'm so focused on the big picture that I don't see the little one. Sometimes I can't see the trees because there's a forest in the way.

One of the things I said to the reception/hotline operator... I told her that one of the reasons I was calling, was because I knew there was a deeper problem I wasn't reaching. There was something deep inside me that I wasn't able to access. That I looked at myself tonight (well, okay, last night, but still) and realized that I was getting depressed, feeling rejected, because of some stupid comment that some nameless, faceless, know-nothing diplo-dunk butt munch pixels.

I was allowing myself to feel rejected because some words on a flippin screen were less than flattering.

I didn't use the word "flippin" with her, but you get the point.

I am in the process of a conversation with a friend who is going through something vaguely similar. She is being told that someone is maligning her character online. I don't know the whole story. I don't have any proof. I don't even know what the slight actually was.

What I know is that this is online... this is a computer screen and a keyboard and a telephone line into an alternate reality. It's like video games... Does a player get suicidal and feel rejected when a fargin little pac-man dies?

No, I think not.

I have stated this before, but I mean it. If being online is causing problems in your offline life, unplug. If you're worried and concerned and consumed because someone on the other side of the world has obliterated your self confidence... then your self-confidence is the issue, not the other person's button pushing capabilities.

That's what I learned last night/this morning. If I feel depressed, scared or hurt because of some keystrokes... Then my own confidence is the problem, not the other person's tendancy to rudeness.

As an extension of that... the real point, so to speak...

If I take someone else's judgement/opinion of me as more important than my own, I need to unplug. And I don't mean something as corny as unplugging the computer and never going online again. I mean, unplug. Like in the movie The Matrix

There are some people who want the fantasy to replace real life. And there are others who want to break out of the fantasy because just mental stimulation via computer is not enough.

I need more.

I need to unplug.

I need to once again enjoy my computer as a screen where I can have conversations and connections with people, but where those connections are tenuous at best. The real connections will be face to face.

Maybe that's why my relationships with Charles and Russell are so important to me. I connect with them on a mental level. I have spent time watching them, body language, eye contact, communication skills, in person, up front.

*shrugs* Who knows.

Maybe I'm good friends with these two men cause they're the next generation of ChippenDale's dancers?

Or is that Chip 'n' Dale? *smirks*

Peace unto thy hearts.