Just got back from dinner with Mom. I really enjoy going out with her. It's a refreshing thing in my opinion.

I'm still feeling pretty good about some of the personal realizations I've made over last night and today. I'm not quite "cured", but I do have a much better grasp on what I want and how I want to live. Those are important things to me.

One of the things I mentioned to the counselor/receptionist person this early AM, was that with most of the psychological probelms I've had since about December of 90, I've been able to hold up the mirror and see the accurate picture. But in the case of my weight and issues surrounding it, I haven't been able to get an accurate view, no matter how hard I try.

I told her that my main thought in getting some counseling, was to have someone who could hold the mirror, so that I could accurately see the image. That's a really hard thing for me. To look at my physical self accurately... Tough.

Did any of you see the movie What's Eating Gilbert Grape? In that movie, the mom is huge. Absolutely huge.

That's how I see myself. That's the image I see when I look in the mirror. (non-figurative) I see a huge, Jabba-The-Hut kind of image. But that's not accurate. And as long as the image I see isn't the image that's actually there, I can't fix the problem.

It would be like a surgeon operating upon himself using a circus mirror. Everything is distorted. I need a new mirror (figurative) so that I see the real image.

I ate more than I really wanted to tonight. The salad was really good. Nummy. But the chicken strips and tater tots were just... not tasty, dry and in general, not what I wanted. But I ate them anyway.

I've spent so many years ignoring my food intake. I've denied it. I've pretended that I wasn't eating, or just... well... like the discussion I had with Futile this morning... I remember that I prepared food. I see the empty plate afterward, but I don't remember eating. I know I must have, but I simply can't remember it.

That was Futile's comment, slightly paraphrased. Futile was talking about something else, but the same lines pertain to my specific food intake. I have spent so long hating the fact that I have to eat in order to maintain some semblance of life, that I have forgotten the fact that I have eaten. I haven't tasted the food. I haven't listened to what my body is telling me.

I don't know how to change that.

I don't know how to listen.

I will learn.