I'm starting a new thing. I get Ann Landers' advice column by Email and there are many times when my thoughts differ from hers. So, because I have a rather captive audience here, I'm going to start posting some of her letters, her advice, then my own.

Dear Ann Landers:

I have been married to "Arnold" for 34 years. I am 70, and he is 76. Our children are grown and out of the house, but now I am faced with a new problem, and I don't know how to deal with it. Please, Ann, help me.

Six months ago, a young, attractive, single woman moved in across the street. She isn't particularly friendly to me (or any other woman on our block), but she flirts shamelessly with the men in the neighborhood. Of course, they are flattered as all get-out and practically drool over her. Arnold stares out the window for hours hoping she will appear, and he finds one excuse after another to walk outside whenever he sees her trimming her hedges or watering her flowers.

Arnold and I used to have a close relationship. I have tried to put the spark back into our marriage with romantic dinners, soft lights and music, but nothing is working. I know Little Miss Hotpants isn't really interested in my 76- year-old husband, but Arnold is starry-eyed and smitten with her. Right now, we are sleeping in separate bedrooms. I don't want to be Arnold's roommate, and I'm too old to start over. Can you help me? -- Rejected in New Orleans

Dear New Orleans:

Arnold may be a bit gaga, but what's with you that you are taking his ogling so seriously? Get back into the bedroom with the old goat and wear him out.

Actually, New Orleans, you should visit a few of those "interesting" shops and get a collar for Arnie. Then you should leash him and parade him back and forth in front of that little wench's house with a sign on his backside that says "My property, back off"

~~~~~~~~~

Dear Ann Landers:

I am one of those men who flies off the handle for no apparent reason and goes into terrible rages. I understand the frustration expressed by the women who have written to you. Please share my letter with your readers. Perhaps it will help others who have been in my shoes.

I had a problem with small things setting me off. I was once watching TV, and the remote control didn't work. I became so angry, I threw it at the wall with such force, it broke in half. I have thrown heavy chairs and torn a door off its hinges. I am not a big man. It seems an adrenaline rush comes over me when I get angry, and I do things that surprise me.

Only recently have I managed to get my anger under control. I tried several doctors and finally found one who discovered the combination of anti-depressants that works for me. I am enormously grateful to my wife for seeing me through all of this. She keeps me in check by monitoring my moods. Sometimes, when I don't realize that I am about to fly off the handle, she will reach over and gently squeeze my knee to let me know that I am showing some warning signs.

There have been times when I didn't think I could go on, but I knew I had to, for her sake as well as my own. My wife has always been patient and loving, even during the worst of it. Now she gets my very best, and we are extremely happy. I consider myself blessed.

I know there are men who think medication is a crutch, but it saved my marriage, and maybe my life. Pass it on, Ann.

-- Mark in Texas

Dear Mark:

Your frank (and humble) letter is sure to help others who are fighting depression. Bless you for your candor, and an orchid to your wife.

And how many times has that little squeeze been answered with violence, hmmm? I'm glad you've gotten a hold on your rage, I wish more men and women would. But personally, I wouldn't give your wife an orchid. I'd give her a vacation alone. Some week-long pamper-me session at a fine spa. Somewhere that will give her complete peace so that she doesn't have to be responsible for double checking your rage.

Until next time, folks.