So... Did it end there? Heh. Not hardly. I did stop being the go-between for Becky and Jonny. But we kept dating. Jonny took me out the following weekend to Taco Time and the park to watch the boats. He was cold, distant and still angry. I asked him what Dad told him. He said that Dad said he wasn't allowed to kiss me again unless I wanted to and only as far as I wanted to go. He said that Dad had said I was to say when, how far and what. Jonny said he'd agreed and that was the end of it. He said that Dad had actually been really cool about it.

So. I watched Jonny. He was cold, angry, distant and he'd bought Taco Time... chintzy pseudo meal. Compared to dinner at a restaurant. Heh... No movie. That would actually cost money. From this, I surmised (most likely incorrectly) that Jonny was still extremely pissed and I would have to go some to prove that I was truly sorry and that I'd take back the tattling if I could. So, I told him that it was okay for him to kiss me. Not just that, but that I wanted him to.

*Clenches her teeth*

So, that night it was fairly chaste. Just a kiss or two. But the next night, he took me to a more spendy restaurant and a movie afterward. And then he started necking with me and feeling me up.

==It's so hard to talk about this... to actually force myself to put the words on the screen here... I feel so very ashamed. So... pathetic and paltry and useless. I feel totally humiliated and debased. I must get this out, though. I just have to==

It wasn't long after that that the whole family split up. Mom and Dad moved to Graham to the butcher shop. Dan moved to Kirkland for his Physical Education training and I moved to Capitol Hill in Seattle. That was by about the 13th or so of June. The rule was laid down by the 'Rents that absolutely no boys were allowed in the apartment for any reason. That was cool by me. Hell, it meant I would't have to deal with Jonny as much, right? *Shrugs*

The dates came more and more rarely in June and July. Every other weekend, rather than every day. I liked that a lot. It gave me the freedom to explore my surroundings just a little bit. There were so many new things I was exposed to there. And they were all very traumatic for me. I was startled with all the new things... such as, busy, loud streets, loud people walking around without a care for the others around them, busy stores, cars going by until two and three in the morning. Lights on at all times. 24 hour activity. And the most surprising and startling to me... Cross dressers. I had never, ever before seen a gay man. I had never before HEARD of a gay man. I truly didn't know the meaning of the word "gay" other than happy.

Long about the first week of August, Jonny and I had a date... we went out to a park for conversation, no actual meal, no "trade off" so to speak. While we were walking through the park, Jonny came up with this cool move. He told me that he "would demonstrate how [he] would decapitate [my] dog with this special ninja move".

==At that time in my life, there were three things you didn't fuck with if you wanted to stay anywhere on my good side. First and foremost was my Mom. You didn't insult her. You didn't bitch about her. You didn't threaten her... nothin. Number two, a very, very close number two, I might add, was my dog, Pepper. Any threat or negative attitude toward her was enough to really get me steamed. Number three was the collective of my friends. I still have the same rules, but now it's Mom and friends on the same level with Joey pulling up the rear very, very closely.==

So, without waiting for my response, he wraps his arm around my throat from behind me. Instinctively I grabbed his arm, took a step back and bent over rather quickly. This resulted in Jonny being on the ground, on his back with my foot upon his throat. I think I was more surprised than he was. Seriously. He glared up at me not with shock, but with absolute and unadultrated rage. I was shocked. Completely and totally shocked. I backed up really quickly and again... fool that I was... apologized profusely. I told him how very sorry I was, I didn't mean it, I would never do it again.

He got up, and refused to talk to me. He stalked off in stoney silence. I followed him meekly. Humiliated, embarrassed, contrite. Stupid!

Again I begged for his forgiveness, I would not ever do it again. He finally relented, started talking to me again and eventually the rage wore off, I thought. We stopped at a bench in the park and sat, he started necking with me, getting more aggressive. He was involved in some serious petting, trying to get at my breasts. (Up to this point he had never gone below the waist).

I didn't actually realize what was going on. I was in some other world. It was like I had pulled away from my body. Seriously. It was so bizarre. I literally saw myself on the ground, Jonny over me, kissin on me, my shirt open, his hands.... ya know. And I saw the people walking by the trail on the other side of the tree and I got the overwhelming urge to vomit. I shook my head and then I was somehow back inside my own head.

I told Jonny that I was sorry but I was suddenly feeling very sick and needed him to take me home. He agreed immediately and helped me to my feet, then gently ushered me to his car, took me home and dropped me off at the apartment. He left, I curled up into a ball on my bed and cried. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn't breathe. I felt so filthy, so dirty, so... used.

I didn't leave the house for at least three days, possibly longer, I don't remember. I forced myself to calm down, to think, to understand what was going on around me. To actually listen to what was happening, rather than overreacting to something that probably didn't mean anything anyway. I finally pushed myself from my bed, showered, ran through my daily habit on autopilot, completely non-emotionally. I didn't talk, I was literally like an automaton.

When Jonny called to ask if I wanted a ride to the church softball tourney in Olympia, I said sure. There was no emotion in my voice. He picked me up early Sunday morning. I don't think we said more than two words throughout the drive down. Maybe we did and I just don't remember it. That's beside thepoint anyway.

On the drive there, he held my hand. I stared out the window. As soon as we got there, Becky ran up to his car, and before I could actually get out of the car and close my door, he was gone with her. I had a great day. I spent the whole day walking around with Dan. (Not my brother, Dan Sanders) It was great. We were both tall, big, red heads. We looked so perfect together. And we got a few different comments to that effect. We were asked how long we'd been dating. And both Dan and I blushed, but something else happened to me. It felt kind of like a knife had been thrust into my belly, twisted and jerked out.

We just smiled it off and continued walking and talking. He and his family had to go, so I waved good-bye to him, then sat around waiting for Jonny and Becky to be through. It wasn't but a few minutes later that I saw them headed toward his car. He waved me over saying that she needed a ride home. I nodded and slipped into the back seat. I remained silent and emotionless. They held hands, spoke of love and the future and how wonderful life would be as soon as they could actually be together.

She made a tape for him and they listened to it during the drive to the pizza place, cause they weren't willing to be together for such a short time. I went over and pretty much stood looking at the video games for an hour while they talked, held hands, billed and cooed at each other. *Rolls her eyes*

Finally back in the car, she broke down into tears, knowing she wasn't going to see him for a while. He told her that she was everything he ever wanted, he couldn't wait to be with only her and that it was killing him to be away from her. They kissed once, a very chaste, light peck on the cheek. But they didn't release hands until she was actually out of the car. I got into the front seat. Jonny started driving away. Immediately he grasped my hand. I stared out the window, pulling my hand away from him.

There was a traffic jam on the way back up I-5 We stopped at the weigh station between Hawks Prarie Inn and the bridge. He was gonna wait out the traffic problem. He made the moves, intent on kissing me. I shook my head and opened my door, taking the football out of the back of the car. We passed the football back and forth for about 20 minutes or so then sat back down in the car. Again he tried making out. I said traffic was lightening up and we should get going.

When we got back to my apartment, I was out of the car almost before he'd stopped it. I hurried and came up behind me just as I was opening the heavy security door. He said he really had to go to the bathroom and couldn't he use mine. I sighed, shrugged my shoulders and started up the stairs. He followed me into the apartment (707 E. Roy st #26 on Capitol Hill, directly across the street from Cornish College of the Arts' Kerry Hall). He went in to the bathroom and I stood, waiting in the livingroom. When he had concluded his business, he came out and came up to me, intent on kissing me. I pushed him away. He didn't like that answer and decided that he would get him some anyway.

I gave in, letting him kiss me a few times. He tried feelin me up, but I would push his hands away. Then, he went for my belt, trying to hold me down with his body. I said no. He said nothing, again going for my belt, grabbing at my jeans, trying to get them off of me. (I know this because he was saying he wanted them off of me). I again told him no and tried pushing him away.

This time he was more adamant. He shoved me backward, trying to pin me to the floor while he got my belt undone. I shoved him away from me and stood up. He jerked after me, grabbing my wrist. I pushed him away again, and said it was time for him to leave. He said he would leave when he'd gotten what he came for. I jerked away from him, moving down the hall to the door. He jerked me back around, threw me back against the wall and pressed against me, again trying to get into my jeans.

I kneed him in the groin, shoving him backward and again moving to open the door. He didn't even pause a moment, he lurched after me, slammed the door shut with one hand, threw me back against the door with the other and very roughly groped my breasts, his thigh pressed against my groin.

This time I shouted into his ear, "NO!" kneed him as hard as I could, punched him in the stomach, shoved him away from me, opened the door and grabbed him by the hair, shoving him out of my apartment and halfway down the back stairs. He caught himself on the rail and snarled at me that I had no right. The look in his eyes said that he had bought and paid for me, that I was his whore.

I slammed the door on that look, locked it, threw the chain lock into place, went into the livingroom, sat down on the floor, brought my knees up to my chin, wrapped my arms around my legs and rocked myself for six hours straight. I didn't tell people about it for a long while. When I went home to the folks' place the following weekend, I mentioned it to Mom. She told Dad. Dad called Jonny and made an appointment with the young man for when he would come down for a little talk.

I was practically catatonic.

When Jonny came down, Dad took him for a walk around the property. We had five acres. Woodland. And the butchershop was right there. With the walk in cooler and the walk in freezer. I think those things scared Jonny more than anything else. Regardless, after his little tete a tete with Dad, he came into the house to deal with me.

I was very quiet and I told him that he would tell Becky what had transpired between us or I would. He paled. He decided to write a letter. And I told him I would read it before he submitted it to her. He showed me the letter once he was done. It was a single page. The opening was filled with "love you"s and "miss you"s and such. There was a single line in the middle of the letter which addressed our little episodes. "Jen and I have been kissing, I hope you can forgive me"