Hey, I liked pizza. So, life was a little less stressful for a few months. Long about February of 88 there was a dance hosted/for the Singles in the church. Jonny was 21, I was 17. He asked me to go. It was our first official date. Hell, MY first date ever. And, this is the reasoning I went through, in about 30 seconds. 'It's a date. It would be nice to have a date. I know the people who will be there. I know that I will at least have someone to talk to and I won't have to deal with Jonny except during the drive there and the drive back. Besides, he's not that bad a guy. I can handle making conversation until the other people are there. And, Mom gave me a curfew of midnight, so what can happen, huh?'

What a fool I was.

So, He came to the house to pick me up. We left at about 7 or so and drove to Seattle (from Snohomish, about half an hour or so) We went to this dance and I walked in already feeling scared, alone, lost, desperate and very, very out of place. It was a costume party/dance. I can't remember what Jonny dressed as, but I dressed up as a detective. Overcoat, fedora, 9mm-like dart gun. Really corny, but hell, I figured I could pull the fedora down and people wouldn't know I wasn't really supposed to be there. (It was an event for Singles, not Teens)

The dance is pretty much irrelivant. No problems, no difficulties. Long about 11:50 or so, I told Jonny we really did need to be going back, as it was, I was already going to be late. So, we said our goodbyes and headed home. Instead of going home, however, Jonny took me up to Mukelteo. We sat in the car at the waterfront there for about 15 minutes, in silence. I didn't talk, I didn't move. I didn't understand why we were there anyway. I looked to the clock and realized that I was really late now.

Jonny leaned over a little and put his hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. He did it again. I bit my lip. He leaned close, as if he were going to kiss me. I turned my head, looked out the window and said that we should go for a walk. He shrugged and agreed. We got out and walked along the waterfront. Now, for those of you who aren't familiar... the mukelteo waterfront is very, very cold in February. And it's even colder when the wind is blowing at 12:30am. Trust me on that score.

So, we walked until I was too cold to stay out there. That was only about 20 minutes or so, but I at least had some bulk to me. Jonny was out there with his teeth chattering, his whole body shuddering with the cold. When we got back into the car, he turned the engine on and started the heat. I said that we should be getting back. He said that we would in just a minute, but he had to warm up enough to drive. Another few minutes later, he leaned over and tried kissing me again. This time, I just didn't fight it.

I figured that he would get the kiss he wanted, he'd stop, then we'd go home and I could get away from him finally. Uh uh. He kissed me a few times, with tongue, though he didn't go further than that. Long about 1:20 or so he finally started the car and took me home. We got to the house and he walked me to the front door. It was now about 1:45 or so. He tried to kiss me at the door, but I "accidentally" turned away just as he was coming in. I opened the door, walked in and closed it. I went up to my room, crawled into my bed, held my dog close to me and cried silent tears.

The next day, I admitted to being late to curfew. I thought I would get seriously busted. I thought Mom would have a shit-fit, ground me and not allow me to go out with Jonny again. I was wrong. She said that next time, I should be back on time, but did I enjoy myself. *Shakes her head, closing her eyes*

As I look back now, I know that what I really needed to do was cry, fall into her arms and tell her that he kissed me, that I didn't like it, that I didn't like him and even though she liked him and thought he was a good guy, I couldn't stand him. But I didn't. She said that I should come home earlier next time. I hated that. I hated him. But most, I hated me. I didn't have any idea how to get out of the situation. I didn't like where I was. I didn't like what was going on. I didn't like it and didn't understand it and felt completely and totally alone because the only person I felt I could confide in liked the guy that "hurt" me.

==There were two reasons I couldn't stand this whole new side to the Jonny issue. First off, the whole kissing thing. I didn't like him to begin with. Number two... he was unofficially engaged to another girl from the church. Not just another girl, but one who was so much younger than he, that her mother forbade them to speak, write, communicate with each other in any way shape or form. She was 15 when he was 21. Becky (the girl) was head over heels for Jonny and he said he felt the same for her.==

During the next three months or so, Jonny and I dated a little more often. A lot, in fact. Every weekend. He didn't try kissing me again immediately, but we would hold hands. I liked that part. That was okay. And we would go to the movies, dinner, church events. I really liked that, because it meant the parents weren't hanging around. We went to lunches and everything. Jonny paid every time. We would go to the park, museums, the Pacific Science Center (in Seattle) and various other places/attractions. It was nice enough.

Depending on what we had done, I would let him get a little somethin. Just a normal dinner situation, pizza or something, I'd let him kiss me. There wasn't any passion or emotion to it. ==I feel so... dirty. So useless and wasted. How could I ever have allowed myself to believe that a pizza was worth my naivte?== From February through about the end of April or so, Jonny got more insistant/brave. He would add much kissing, some very minor petting. Breasts, over the shirt.

We went to an event where Becky was. She and Jonny spent all their time together. Not a word was said to me all night by him, until the two of them came up to me together. She was all bubbly and happy and hyper. She sat me down with a very serious expression on her face. She said that Jonny had proposed and she wanted me to be her Maid of Honor.

My mouth said "yes" while my mind was reeling. How the hell could I possibly be the Maid of Honor when I was dating her fiance? How the hell could I justify that? And why the fuck didn't I say to her then, "Sure, does that mean Jonny and I should stop necking now?"

She bubbled on, completely ignoring the look on my face. I looked at Jonny and it was like I wasn't even there. He smiled, all happy and filled with joy because she said yes. It was like the previous months hadn't happened at all. But that wasn't the worst part. Becky then asked me to be the go-between. She would write me letters and I was supposed to forward them to Jonny. And I was supposed to mail Jonny's replies to her. Because if anything came to her house with Jonny's name on it, then it would be immediately confiscated.

And what did I do? I agreed. Immediately after I agreed, they left and I sat there, alone, in shock, completely oblivious to anything else going on. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't figure out what had just happened. My mind wouldn't wrap around it. So, in my typical fashion, I ignored it. I decided... fine, if I don't understand it, I'll think about it later. Only later wasn't soon enough.

The next month, in mid May sometime, I had had enough. Jonny would spend his time with me talking about Becky. He would talk about how precious she was and how eager he was to marry her and spend the rest of his life with her. God how that hurt me. And I felt even more like a fucking whore. Here I was being the living fuck doll for some dork I didn't like in exchange for a trip out of the house twice a week. I betrayed the trust of a friend and directly disobeyed the wishes of that friend's mother. My God, how completely deplorable.

*Sighs*

So, in about May, mid May sometime, I finally told Mom that Jonny was kissing me and I didn't like it. I confessed this mild thing, feeling humiliated, stupid, useless and like Mom would probably look at me and say something akin to, "well he's a nice boy..." *shrugs* But she didn't. She looked at me and asked me how long. I said since February. That I didn't like it and I was scared and I didn't know how to tell him to stop and ..... well hell, the whole story bubbled out of me. It was like a cork had been popped and now the liquid words were spewing with great gusto. Or something.

So, the end result, Dad had a little "conversation" with Jonny. *Smiles warmly* Now, if you're not familiar with the tails of my Father, then sit back and put your feet up... well, okay, so I"m not going to go into that much detail... My Father has some very, very, very good traits. One of those being his sense of protection and defense of his children. Dad, at the time, was about 6'3", 320 lbs or so and looked like a cross between King Henry VIII and Raymond Burr. (For those who don't know Raymond Burr, check UPN sometime and look for the Perry Mason show. That was my father's build. A very big man. And, that was my Father's facial construction, hair color, the whole schmere) My Father is not someone that most people would attempt to piss off. In fact, When he is angry, he doesn't get loud, he gets quiet. And his words come out very precise. You do not want to be around him if he starts speaking softly. He has guns. And knows how to use them. He also knows how to butcher and do taxedermy.

These were the things that my Father discussed with Jonny that May. No threats were uttered. I don't know what the exact conversation was, as I wasn't invited. I do know this... whatever Dad said to Jonny had him both terrified and pissed off. Terrified of my Father, and so completely pissed off with me that I could visibly see his fury. Dad didn't like Jonny anyway. This did not help.

Did the dates stop? Nope. The kissing did stop. For a week. Oops... a little ahead of myself. After the conversation, Jonny came upstairs (I was hiding in my room, Jonny and Dad "talked" at the bar about a mile down the street) Jonny burst into my room, his face beet red, spittle flying from his lips. He glared at me, chest heaving with his rage and spat the words at me. He told me never to tell my father/mother anything about him ever again. He said I had no right to tell. He said I was shit on his list at that specific time and that if I ever told on him again, I would very definitely be sorry. For the rest of my life.

*Shrugs slightly*

What did I do? I begged him to forgive me. I apologized profusely. I said that I was scared and didn't know what to do and I was sorry and I would never, ever, ever tell on him again. I begged, I actually begged him to forgive me.

*Closes her eyes, shaking her head slowly, a faint tremor going through her body*

He left saying he would think about it.

*Rolls her eyes*