I've been promising this entry for a long, long time. It's no where near done, but this is what I've written so far. Read at your own risk.

Warning: Extremely verbose, extremely intense, emotional entry

So, it's been a week plus a little since last I've posted an entry of intense emotional value. Hell, it's been almost that long since I've posted an entry. First off, however, I want to plug Interview and myself as I was just recently interviewed. If you have the opportunity to be interviewed, by all means take them up on it. It was a fun experience to be asked the questions and place myself in an interview setting.

I would also like to draw your attention to WaterBelle. She is the mastermind behind the OddGoogle diary. She started the project. She runs it. She makes all the official decisions and she is an incredible woman. By all means, share some love with her. She deserves all the accolades you can give. And a bouquet of flowers would be a nice touch. *Grins*

For those who have any interest whatsoever, I will again be posting to the OddGoogle diary. I have taken a brief hiatus because I'm weak-willed in the rejection department. Hey, what can I say? If I had as strong an ego as I imply through my mouthy, no-bull-shit attitude online, I wouldn't be living my life online. Think about it. *Smirks* However, I will be posting a new entry to the OddGoogle diary in the next day or so. And, I will continue to update. I will also attempt to broaden my humor-horizons. So there. *Chuckles*

So, my sister was over today. She was feeling extremely stressed out. She's much better now, but she was feeling extremely weighed down by all the crap going on in her life. We talked for quite a long time this afternoon. It was a good conversation. But, brought up a memory I have talked about before. And yet, I am in need of talking about it again.

I need to move past this issue. As it is still an issue for me. The last time I felt pure and whole... the last time I knew I was worthy... I was 17. It was February of 88. Jonny was 21. I was so very ....... no, no value judgements. This is a retelling, non-emotional, objective. Someone watching a movie and describing it. *Nods faintly*

===I'm trying, folks. I kind of have a feeling that this is going to be one of those marathon posts with multiple and varied interjections, side tracks and tangents. But, those of you who have read me for a while are already extremely familiar with the whole Fatal Tiger System. *Chuckles quietly*===

Jonny was 21, he'd just turned 21 in December. I'd turned 17 in September. He was a friend of the family, so to speak. My Mother really liked him. I suppose he could be considered attractive. He wasn't ugly, but he most definately wasn't my type. He was 6' tall and weighed in at aproximately 140 lbs. Very skinny. And not very muscular at all.

===I've always been more attracted to the Steven Segal type. Kind of trim, but with some real and genuine bulk. I don't want a man that I can snap in half. I'm afraid to hug those people. I'm somewhat rough in my general motion/activity. Grace is not one of my stronger suits. I don't want to trip over my guy and break him.===

My Mom liked him. He was my brother's friend and moved in with us between living with his folks and getting out on his own. A common step for those who don't go on to college after High School. At least in our area. Regardless, he was living with us for about six months or more. Maybe about 10 months. I really don't remember that part too clearly.

Around about August or so of 87 (Jonny and I had a love/hate relationship. He and Dan would torment me and I would be snippy and snide to him, ignoring my brother almost entirely.) Mom was getting really tired of the tension between Jonny and I. I really didn't like him. I didn't want to be around him and I thought he was a real pain. But, she pulled me aside and told me to try an experiment.

She told me to be nice to him. She told me simply to be nice to him for a week and to see if he wouldn't be nice back. So, against my better judgement, because my Mother was my world (still is in large part), I was nice to him. I held my tongue instead of slamming him with nasty comments and insults. I laughed at his jokes. I was kind and sweet tempered whenever I could be. And he did change. He.... became something different.

The three of us, Dan, Jonny and myself, would go out for pizza, the park, church practices. (And I don't mean that we had to practice for church *imagines people getting dressed up with Bibles and notebooks in hand, going to the church/meeting place and sitting down, then getting up and going back to their cars "practicing"* but for our church-sponsered sporting events and such. Dan and Jonny were in basketball and track. I was in volleyball, cheerleading (ugh) and track.

== And don't get me wrong here... don't think for even half a minute that I voluntarily ran around a track. Uh uh. I did the calesthenics half heartedly, but I didn't run. After a little "conversation" with the coach, consisting of "Go on and run laps now." "No." "Go on, it's part of the warm up process." "No. I don't run laps." Exasperated look. "I throw the discus and shotput... no running involved in either event. I don't run!" Another exasperated sigh then a shrug. "Fine"... Anyway, after that little conversation, I would do some additional stretching and I would walk a little, but Mr. Franklin could never make me run. -- I should send him an apology for having such a sour, pissy attitude, even then *smirks* == But yes, I was in track. Sucked at it, majorly. Especially after my brother dropped the men's 22 (or was it 24?) lb shot upon my foot. I'm almost sure he didn't mean to. Almost.==

But, Jonny would be the driver for us so that Mom and Dad didn't have to go. It was good for Mom and Dad cause they spent the time on "dates". But for a long while I would ride along, silent and as if I weren't there, in the back seat, while Jonny and Dan talked, did their thing... whatever. I was largely disconected from the whole deal.

So, I suppose that's the backdrop... The set up, so to speak. I wasn't exactly thrilled to be in that situation, but I didn't bitch about it either. I just went where and when I was told to. *Chuckles faintly* Such an obedient child.

Eh, let's fast forward a little. I'm not really revealing anything important by talking about the fifth wheel syndrome. Suffice it to say, I was very definitely the fifth wheel most of the time. I was the "kid sister" foisted off on the brother and his buddy. With the added problem of the buddy liking me. That still irks me. But it's beside the point.

Between September of 86, when I turned 16, and September of 87 when I turned 17, I grew from being a short, squatty little pain in the ass, to a tall, pudgy pain in the ass. I was about 30 lbs overweight. Nothing dramatic, just a little on the pudgy side. But extremely tall. 6' to be exact. I was now as tall as Jonny. I still didn't like him, but long about my B-day or so, Mom made that little request of hers. She asked me to be nice to Jonny. To just be nice to him and see if that didn't make things better between us.

Sure, it made things better. He thought I liked him and he started paying more attention to me. *Shrugs* Mom was happy and I was getting out of the house, so I didn't much care what happened. Long about November or so, Jonny started inviting me out to grab a pizza or something instead of my being foisted off on the brother and his buddy, it was now the buddy's idea for the three of us to go out.

To be continued on another day.