Well, I suppose that was a lot of purging, huh? Once I got it all out, I was actually able to sleep. Granted, I only got to sleep for two hours, since I had to be up for work, but still, a nap is better than nothing. As long as it�s at least two hours.

If I�d only had half an hour, I�d have just stayed awake.

I�m sitting here in front of my computer, wondering if I should just call my boss and say that I can�t work today, but then... that�s not cool. It�s not her fault that I stayed up til 5 am writing about some fragged up memory.

There were a lot of details there that I�d forgotten about. *smiles softly* Amazing how that works, huh? Go through your life and find those little things that you keep telling yourself are significant and all of a sudden you realize that they�re just a cornerstone in all the bullshit trauma you�ve been subjecting yourself to for more than a decade.

I think about that quite a bit. That�s more than 10 years where I allowed myself to be immersed so deeply in depression that I took an active part in the destruction of my marriage. Don�t get me wrong here, folks, I�m not saying that I�m at fault for the destruction, but I definitely do have some responsibility.

In the past, you may have seen me saying that when a woman gets raped she bears some responsibility, that one can�t say it�s 100% the perpetrator�s fault. And I believe that. But here�s the deal, there is a difference, in my opinion, between having a responsibility and being at fault.

I bear some responsibilty for the rape I went through. I should have said no, loudly. Actually, the true responsibility... I should have known my own value. I should have known that I was worth more than going with someone I didn�t like just because my Mom liked him.

I do not, under any circumstances, mean that I am at fault for being kissed when I said no. That distinction might be so minute as to be virtually invisible. But there�s really something here. I suppose that I can see the distinction because I�m so far removed from the incident.

I used to believe that it was my fault. Then I believed that I was partially at fault. Then I believed that I would never understand what was going on in my head.

Sometimes, I think that I should just stop thinking because, like many females, I will just think myself in circles so completely that I�ll be twisted like a pretzle. *grins*

I�m not sure I can explain my real point. I think about my friend whose attack happened so recently. What does she need to hear right now? She needs to know, first and foremost, that she did not get herself raped. She needs to know that she did not do something or act in some way for which she deserved to be raped.

That�s it. That�s what �It�s not your fault� really means. She didn�t do anything to deserve being raped. She didn�t do anything, and neither did I, to deserve being scared and forced and bitten and scratched. She didn�t encourage his attack. She didn�t lead him on. She didn�t tease him. She is NOT at fault for being attacked.

She is responsibile for inviting him into her home. Does inviting someone into your home mean that you deserve to be raped? No.

She is responsible for knowing her own value, for saying no. Did she say no? Yes, she did. But after she said no, he ignored her. The very second he ignored her, the fault, the blame, the �wrong� became his.

She had a responsibility to indicate that she didn�t want to do it. He had a responsibility to abide by that indication, whether it was a shake of the head, excuses or a bat to the temple.

She said no. She made her excuses. She gave reasons why she didn�t want the physical attentions. He ignored them all. Not only is he an asshole in my book, but he�s ...... well..... You�ve all read the string of epithets, no need to repeat them.

Am I angry with her? Not at all. Am I dissappointed in her? Absolutely not. Do I feel sorry for her. Hell no. I am pissed off because 1.) MY friend had to feel what I felt. 2.) the fuckwitprick ignored every no she spoke. 3.) She is battling through this whole scenario and she is thinking the thoughts I did, about being not good enough, about feeling small and tiny and helpless, about people looking at her and just... just... knowing that she�s been tainted.

All those thoughts are there. Is she good enough? Indeed. She is an incredible woman, strong and compassionate and filled with a strength even she doesn�t know she has. Is she tiny and helpless? No. She is capable and because she has a shrink, she knows how to ask for help. Has she been tainted? Absolutely not. She is still pure and whole and complete!

I love my friend very much. She is precious to me. And this experience does not make her less than that to me. I remember being so scared that if people found out, that I�d be humiliated and shunned. But she won�t be. Not ever. Not by me.

It�s not your fault, my friend. And you are not any less of a person because of this experience. You are strong and capable and courageous. And I adimre you.