I got my fish today.

I've been planning on getting another aquarium set up for a few months now. I got lots of little, pretty, plastic plant things and one tall, weed-ish plant thing.

I also got the "bio wheel" water/air filter thing. I really like those and we had them with the last fish tanks.

I had fully intended to get feeder gold fish once again, but the place we have in town, the only one that actually sells live fish, had just gotten a new batch of tiny, tiny gold fish and guppies. The guy said that I really shouldn't purchase those as they were just new and the sick ones hadn't been weeded out yet.

Not to mention there were about 10 floaters I could see. (meaning, they were already dead)

So, I got two gold fish which were already quite substantial in size. One of them is the orangy gold with a white spot on the dorsal ridge, some white around the gills and white on the upper and lower tip of its tail. The other one is a little bigger but still that orangy gold but with a black spot atop it's dorsal ridge, a black spot on the tip of it's dorsal fin and black swipes along the inner edge of his tail.

They're cool. They've been swimming around for the past couple hours and I've already fed them once.

They don't have names, and I really have no interest in or intention to name them. I didn't name the other ones I had back when I lived in Tacoma.

But they're cool. The one with black spots is the more aggressive of the two and he's a little bigger.

It's nice to have the tank back. To have that peaceful sight and sound. It's like a miniature waterfall here for my amusement.

That's the primary news.

The secondary news is that I finished my last cigarette about 20 minutes ago. I don't have any more here in the house. I'm not buying anymore. And I'm not accepting/asking for any from anyone.

I'm sure I'll find my voice tomorrow morning. I might not be able to use it until next week as I've got one bitch of a cold, but it's all good.

Last week I gave over 450 Camel Bucks to a friend of mine. I'd collected them over the years. The box they were in was a gift from Robyn.

If I haven't talked about her a whole lot, that's okay. But, she's the ex-best-friend who turned 32 today. Ted turns 32 on September 2nd. I turn 32 on September 17th. Dan the Dan, turns 32 on August 23rd, if I'm not mistaken. I don't remember exactly when his b-day is, but I know it's in August.

Are all these people connected? Sorta. Luckily Dan has absolutely nothing to do with Ted and Robyn other than the fact that I know the two of them.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to forget those two.

While I was at Gulf Wars last year, I thought I'd seen Ted. I'm not sure if it was him, but those eyes.... If it wasn't Ted then someone stole his eyes.

Ted LeRoy. As in L'roy rather than lee roy.

He and Robyn and I made up an extremely bizarre group. "Good Christian Girl" meets "Rich, Daddy's Girl" and both have a crush on "Master Mind Fuck".

And ya know what? My mind was the one that got fucked. And that was all that got fucked. Well, of mine. "Rich, Daddy's Girl" joined the ranks of "Master Mind Fuck"

Robyn and Ted. Such twisted and fucked up people. Or rather, Robyn was twisted and fucked up, Ted was just playing the Game.

If that was him I saw at Gulf Wars last year... *shrugs* He's still a master of the mind fuck. I could see it in his eyes. So much power, almost daring me to call out to him, almost daring me to... to... I don't know.

Beg him... for something... his attention.

Amazing what we learn about ourselves when we actually take the time to watch the fish.

Yes, they're connected here. Not to Ted or Robyn, but when I look at them, as I' doing now, just watching them swim and feed and... move as if they were the poster children for OCD, my mind is clear to just type whatever comes out.

Sometimes I realize things about myself only because I see that my subconcious has spewed something out upon the screen.

I have my fish.

I'm saying good-bye to Robyn tonight. I'm laying her to rest with the ash trays, lighters, empty pack wrappers. And that box. Her wedding gift to me. For my wedding. Perfume.

Christian Dior's Poison.

I am smoke free.

And I am pure once again, finally, after so many years, so many lessons, so many realizations and harships and understanding asn misunderstandings...

I am pure enough. For myself.

Good bye Robyn. You're welcome to take your Poison with you.

I have fish. Peaceful, marvelous, interesting and simple fish. I am whole. I am pure. I like who and what I am.

Thank you.