I�ve been recognizing traits in my mother that I never would have admitted to previously. It�s not that I didn�t know these things were there, but lately, I�ve really begun to get very irritated by them. And, surprise, surprise, not in relation to me.

Since Dad and I have been healing our relationship, I have had the opportunity to actually have a few good conversations with him. I really enjoy him and I�m getting to know the person he is. As a part of this, I�m no longer getting just a one-sided view of my parent�s marriage.

Throughout the large majority of my life, I�ve been my mother�s prime confidant. I like being her best friend. I suppose that the relationship between Mom and I can be summed up in the words of Lorelai Gilmore from the show Gilmore Girls. �Rory and I are best friends first and Mother and Daughter second.� (pardon me if I didn�t get the quote verbatim)

That�s how Mom and I are. We�re best friends. I think that may well be one of the myriad reasons my marriage didn�t work. And also, why Mom�s marriage isn�t everything she wants it to be.

In my limited experience, as long as I thought/believed/acted like Duncan was my entire world, he treated me as if I were the queen of his. Our relationship began falling apart when I stopped seeing him as being wonderful and started seeing him as being controlling. He wasn�t any more controlling after six months than he was while we were dating. But, I was stuck in the house after marriage. I saw it more.

*frowns thoughtfully*

I suppose what I�m really getting at is this...

I�m getting really close to the point where I have to tell my mother that... well... we have to be Mother and Daughter first and best friends second.

Damn, I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I write that. A feeling of tremendous loss. For what? For writing a thought?

*thinks more*

Hmmmm, perhaps a different angle.

Why am I still living at home? The physical reasons: no current driver�s license, not enough financial income to be independent, comfort zone.

But, am I really staying here for those reasons, or am I here because I don�t want to be away from my mother? My Mother has always been my number one support. She has been my constant friend, my confidant, my support, my ear, my best friend. I can remember being about 15 or so and crying because yet again I was feeling lonely. I didn�t have friends I connected with.

===there were people my age with whom I associated, but they were... to me, associates. I didn�t connect with them. Even my male friends, to whom I was closest, just weren�t really what I was looking for in a friend.===

Now that I�ve actually accepted a relationship with my brother, Jesus, I have everything I need in relationships. (except children) I�m happy and satisfied with who and what I am.

So, what�s the problem?

Am I drawing away from my mother the way most girls do around the age of 17 or so? (indicating it�s a natural process and I shouldn�t fight it) Am I becoming unsatisfied with my current place in life as I get more healthy? Am I just reacting to having a new friend? (my father)

I think it�s a combination of options one and two. I have noticed that I�m more... hmmmm... That I don�t need my mother as much as I used to. Either emotionally or physically.

Funny that I should be going through this. My sister is complaining because she and her mother aren�t close. *smiles softly*

Perhaps maturity is finally happening around me? Maybe I�m just accepting the role I�m supposed to play?

These awareness� didn�t start flowing until I admitted that I had a dominant personality and that that was okay. Yes, I know that�s another switchback in the plot of this diary. *chuckles*

Throughout my childhood, I believed that as a female, I was supposed to be meek, submissive, mousy, almost. However, Not only do I not act very mousy, but I don�t look mousy. In any way.

Even if I weren�t fat, I have red hair, I�m tall, I�m broad, I have a large voice which carries quite well. When I actually sing, I can sing very powerfully. When I speak, I can enunciate clearly and be easily heard. Maybe the role of house-mouse isn�t for me?

My mother is a controlling person with a big personality packed inside a rather short (in comparison) body. I have spent the large majority of the past ten years trying to blend in to the background, staying quiet, being unobtrusive. Perhaps I need to be a little more real.

I don�t have a submissive, mousy, delicate or ultra-feminine personality. Why should I continue to push myself into that role when it doesn�t fit? That�s like trying to wear size medium clothing when you�re actually a 6X. *chuckles*

My boss is a delicate, gentle, overly-feminine woman. She is tall, blonde and beautiful, but she�s a soft, delicate girl. She does not have a great head for business (which is why I�m doing the books). She is wonderful and I think she�s a beautiful, loving, tender person. But I don�t want to be her. So, why should I attempt to force myself into a model of her?

My mother, I love her so very much, wants me to work more with my boss because she (mom) thinks that if I model myself after her (the boss) maybe I will learn what it is to be feminine and such. *smiles tenderly*

A woman who looks like me doesn�t have a pre-assigned place in this current society. Trust me, there aren�t a whole lot of 6 foot plus women in this world. And of those which are in existence, not a whole lot of them are big, broad, and smart all in one package. ---yes, my saying I�m smart sounds like bragging to my ears, but sometimes I just have to bite the bullet and admit truth whether I think it�s being vain or not---

I was designed to be a singer. I was designed to communicate through song. Why fight it?

I was designed to be tall, visible, obvious. Why fight it?

We have services here in the house every Sabbath. I use the term �services� lightly. We meet, about five of us total so far, and have an interactive Bible Study.

In the past, I�ve always been the observer, just another body in the livingroom or kitchen. *chuckles* That�s not the case anymore. Two weeks in a row I have spoken up and loudly to express my points.

The men will get to discussing a point and one of the males is the kind who will talk until he has completely exhausted all options as far as his point is concerned. *grins* He�s a great guy but doesn�t do that shutting up thing very well. He ignores �Excuse me� and �Wait a minute� as if they�d never been spoken. Dad just talks over him and either Dad (most often Dad) or this other man will just eventually shut up.

Two weeks ago we were talking about Paul and how he had been beaten, imprisoned, stoned, ship wrecked... all sorts of nasty, negative things. The conversation was leaning on emphasizing how much trouble Paul had in his life, in his service to God. They just kept going on this, really talking about the negative aspect, saying that it was an example to us that God uses tragedy to teach lessons and that we should be expecting difficulties in our work for God.

*smiles softly*

I don�t agree. I believe that the whole point Paul wrote about his trials was NOT to play the martyr. I don�t believe that Paul ever intended people to look at his life and wonder how he possibly kept going. I personally believe that Paul wrote about his trials to emphasize that God always saved him. I personally believe that Paul was saying something akin to, �Look at what stupid things I did and see (and thus believe) how God always, without fail, saved me from my own stupidity.�

Now, I could be very wrong, however if I am wrong, God will tell me so.

There was so much torment Paul went through that he could easily have avoided.

Regardless, the point. Heh.

At services, as the men were discussing how Paul was put through trials to prove his dedication, I spoke up and stated my opinion. As I started speaking, the men ignored my voice for a few moments, just continuing their rapt discussion amongst themselves. Then, I spoke up a little more, taking on a slightly authoritative tone and �barging in�. I interrupted them, said my piece, and was then a part of the discussion rather than an observer.

The same thing happened last week when the discussion was on building the temple and how the current generation of Jews in Israel are trying to rebuild the Temple in Jerusalem. Again the men were discussing their points of view as if there were no one else in the room. *chuckles* (typical men)

The guys were talking about whether or not it was wise to rebuild the temple, whether it would ever be rebuilt, being as how we had the sacrifice of the Christ and the temple was no longer necessary in order to have a one-on-one relationship with God and forgiveness for sins. So I listened for nearly 15 minutes as this discussion was going on.

The consensus was that the temple wasn�t necessary and it didn�t matter if it was rebuilt or not. However, I didn�t agree with that. And so, again, I spoke up.

I stated my opinion; that the temple WILL be rebuilt, but not so that there will again be access to God, but so that God�s word is proven accurate and true. The temple will be rebuilt because it will be a proof that God ALWAYS wins.

The Bible tells us that Jesus will return and He will return to the Mount of Olives and where He steps, there will be a tremendous earthquake. The mountain will cleave in two and His children will flee through the valley.

My point was this... These things will not occur so that the humans will have a way to get out of Jerusalem. These things will occur because 1.) God said they would, and 2.) God always wins. The return of the Christ is not for humans, it is for satan.

Again, I could be wrong. I could have my thoughts jumbled. However, if I�m wrong, God will tell me so. My belief, however, is to point out that the return of the Christ is not so that we human beings can see some really cool special effects. He will return, and He will return the way God said He would to prove to satan that God wins; That God fulfills His promises, every single time.

*shrugs*

So, lately I�ve been speaking up when I have something to say. I�ve been coming up against a little resistance, but I haven�t been decked or bitchslapped for impertinence.

I�m over 6 feet tall. I�m very big. I�m very obvious. I�m very colorful (no, NOT in a Mimi Bobeck way) and I have a big voice. So, why should I pretend I�m some mousy, timid, small, hidden being?

Yes, yes, yes, I know, many tangents, but they are all intertwined.

Because I am realizing who and what I am, and because I am beginning to act like who and what I am, I am realizing that perhaps who and what I am wants more than just to live in the basement of her parents� home. Perhaps I want more. And, not just want, but want enough to pursue. *chuckles*

I have begun to see many traits in my mother that I don�t like. And they are beginning to irritate me. Perhaps because she and I share many traits and I don�t want to be a powerful person attempting to play the role of the docile, submissive supplicant. and perhaps I don�t want to fight with everyone who doesn�t conform to my perception of what they should be.

I love my mother. So very much. But she isn�t truly honest with herself about who and what she is. She still sees herself as being slender. (she knows she�s not, but in her mind�s eye, she is) She�s been more than 70 lbs overweight for at least 30 years. *smiles tenderly*

I love her so much. But I don�t want to be her. I don�t want to live her life. And I don�t want to be in denial about who and what I am. I think my mother still doesn�t know who and what she is. And she�ll be 60 this year. *smiles tenderly yet again*

I love her. I don�t want to be her. And I�m happy with that.