This week has been very interesting.

I worked and then met Bioux on Monday.

I worked on Tuesday and made dinner for Mom before we watched Gilmore Girls. (Damn Rory for allowing Jess to drive, demmit.)

I skipped work on Wednesday because my boss wrenched her back and wasn't up to actually doing anything, especially working. I went into Long Beach and sat at Chuck's for many hours writing and working up some background for the Novel/RP.

Today I had an appointment at 8am (ugh) and then sat at Chuck's for hours on end working on more of the Novel/RP background stuff then came home and made dinner for Mom so we could watch Gilmore Girls together. But, Gilmore Girls wasn't on, demmit. It was ucky, yucky, ucko "Charmed" instead. Two hours worth. Blech.

And now, here I am.

Oh, but wait, there was one more thing. Heh.

Tuesday night, a male with whom I've conversed many-a-night once again professed his love for me. Now, you might think this is something to celebrate. Not quite. This man is 11 years my junior.

If I were 80 and he were 69, no biggie. If I were 50 and he were 39, Little biggie, but deal-with-able. But me at 31 and he at 20???

Therefore, again, I set him straight. I said that I didn't want a relationship with him for one and for two, I didn't want any relationship. And the reasons for not wanting a relationship with him specifically? He's only 20. He lives half way across the country from me. He doesn't have even a part time job. I have only a part time job. I've never even seen a picture of him. We have only two things in common.

1. We met and both like RP.

2. We both have a history of severe depression.

Now, for any of you who are at least mostly healthy in the psychological department, do those commonalities seem to be enough to sustain a long-distance relationship between a "Christian" woman on the West Coast and a very-non-"Christian" male so far away there's a two hour time difference???

No, I didn't think so.

So, the point of all this? The reason I have continued talking with this individual is because I enjoy his company when he's not being morose and melodramatic. When he is being morose and melodramatic, I consider him a "project" of sorts.

I have been where he is, psychologically. I recognize the symptoms that he doesn't see. And I also see the potential for a real and healthy life there.

Another disclaimer before I lower the boom, so to speak. I have been suicidal in my life time. I have spoken with people who were suicidal. I have spoken with people who have said they were suicidal but who weren't. My brother used to use the excuse of being suicidal as a pseudo pick up line. He bragged about that to me.

One thing that I have learned is that in the large majority of cases, if someone is truly suicidal, to the point where they actually intend to off themselves, they don't talk about it. With anyone. In my experience and with everyone I have spoken with, 97% of individuals who speak about being suicidal, are actually seeking attention.

That is my experience. Others may have had different experiences. However, that said... let's move on in this tale of woe.

Tuesday night, after this friend had stated once again that he wanted a long-term relationship and I told him, again, that not only did I not want a relationship with him, but I didn't want a relationship period, he went offline professing he was going to sleep.

(this is after nearly two hours of my attempting to be gentle and not crush the hopes and dreams most people in their early 20's have; while remaining firm in my desire to not have a relationship at all right now)

The next morning, when I woke and was preparing for work, I checked my email. Upon logging on to Yahell Pager, there was a message from this male with a link to a "letter". Said letter was a suicide note.

So, over the course of the past two days, I've been having a few little conversations with this male. I asked him specifically what his reasons for suicide were. (I was not buying in to the melodramatic and morose tones of his letter, nor was I dealing with the BS redundance; how he was so mistreated in life et al)

When I questioned him about his reasons for suicide, he said that he'd covered that in the letter. (he didn't actually say the word suicide) I stated that he didn't give a legitimate reason for suicide.

So he had health problems, was mistreated by people and no one loved him. Been there, done that. People live through those situations all the time. I told him, "You're stronger than that. Knock off the bullshit and give me a legitimate reason." Before he had the chance to respond, I switched gears, figuring that might have been a little too harsh even for someone who was whining.

Regardless, in order for me to bottom line this...

If you are truly suicidal, these are the things you need to do.

1. Figure out exactly why, so that you know. Whatever your reasons are, you need to be able to state them clearly and without emotion.

2. Talk to a professional. If you can't afford counseling, go to your phone book and look up the number of the suicide hotline. (1-800-SUICIDE) If you can't stand the idea of actually talking with someone, voice to voice or face to face, click here (suicidehotlines.com). There is a lot of information available there.

3. Take a full hour and stare at yourself in the mirror. Stare until you find at least one thing you like about the person who stares back at you. If you can't find something good after the first hour, change the angle, change your perspective. No matter how small that one positive thing might be, think about it. Think about it a lot and say, out loud, how much you like that one thing about yourself. You might just find that there is more than one thing. More than two or three.

4. If you are truly suicidal, tell someone who can help. Tell a teacher, minister, police officer, doctor, State Department of Social and Health Services, School Counselor.

Your friends can't stop the pain. A Boyfriend/Girlfriend can't stop the pain. A pet can't stop the pain.

If you want someone to coddle you, baby you, pamper you and provide you with an escape, don't talk to me. I will only put up with it for a short while. I will do my best to be tactful.

I will not, however, respond to whining the way you want me to.

I have been depressed. I have been suicidal. I tried killing myself. It didn't work. It should have. If you want to know about that, all you have to do is look back through these entries, I have many entries talking about the scars on my wrist.

As I told this young man Yesterday, If you won't want to believe the things I say, that's your right. But what I say is truth which comes from my experiences. If you need short-term drugs to help you get a hold on the emotions and whirling inside your head, do that.

If you need a doctor, get one. If you can't afford one, talk to your State department, your School, your parents, teachers, a minister, even if you don't want anything to do with church or religion... Many ministers are excellent listeners. It may take some effort, but your life is worth fighting for.

If you want to live, even if the part that wants to live is so tiny you can't feel it anymore, you're worth fighting for.

So, to you who wrote the suicide note... Yes, I know you're reading this...

Quit the bullshit melodrama and figure out what's really going on in your head. If you're scared, admit that to yourself. If you're feeling empty, figure out why. If you don't feel anything anymore, look at yourself in the mirror until you find at least one thing you like about yourself. At least one. And then... then, live for that.

As you begin liking that thing about you, start looking for more things about you that you like. Live for YOU, not for someone else. Love YOU, not someone else. Don't expect someone else to love you enough to make you worthwhile. That doesn't work.

My divorce is proof enough of that.

You are worth fighting for. IF you don't realize that, no one else will either. You're worth it, so start believing in yourself. Get help. Call the suicide hotline or at least look at that site.

AND, if you're NOT serious about being suicidal, knock that shit off. If you just want someone to come along and rescue you, knock it off. No one else knows you as well as you do. No one else will ever be able to fill the spaces, the holes, the emptiness. You have to fill them. It's okay to ask for help. It is not okay to expect someone else to do it for you.

Harsh, yes. True, yes. Said with compassion and empathy, yes.

Live for you. Don't ask me to live for you, you won't like the results.

J