Had some interesting thoughts today. They're still in very rough form, so don't expect it to make a whole lot of sense. Right now, I'm still figuring out the ins and outs of these thoughts, but I figured I'd share them with you because, well, you help me discover who and what I am.

I want to give you a warning, though. As those who have read me for a while have noticed, I've been talking a lot more about the Spiritual side of my life. This entry, too, features (or will feature?) more of that. Therefore, if you're turned off or insulted by conversation about Spiritual matters, Christianity or satanic influence, you might not want to read the latter half of this entry. Just so's ya know.

First thought that ocurred to me: This weekend, my relatives came out here. Grandma, Aunt Cheryll and Uncle Ken. These are relatives on my Mother's side of the family. (Cheryll is Mom's sister. Ken is Cheryll's husband.)

We were all going out to breakfast this morning when I stepped outside for a cigarette. I was thinking about this as I smoked and suddenly the thought hit me.

"Am I smoking as a sign of rebellion against my mother?"

That, though it may seem obvious to the rest of the world, hit me like a ton of bricks. Well, okay, so it hit me like a ton of feathers, but still...

Since Mom and I are so close, I very, very rarely do anything that she would consider irritating or upsetting. I love her with everything I am and she has always been my support and love and assistance and source of all things good and pleasant.

However, there are things about her that I really, really don't like. There are things I would like to blame her for (is that a natural human desire? When a girl starts gaining independance, she bitches at her mother...)

So, I wonder, since I suppressed the anger and rage I've felt toward my Mother for things which happened in the past, do I still smoke because she doesn't like it? Is it the way I can "hurt" her without actually doing anything to her?

I'm curious about this and I think it might be accurate in a kind of Freudian way.

And this is why I think so: When I stop smoking, there are two or three days where I get bitchy as the withdrawal from the chemicals, addictive agents and tobacco. However, I don't feel any "need" to smoke. I don't get cravings for a cigarette and I can go for long periods of time without needing to light up.

Even when I'm smoking a lot, like a pack and a half a day (which is unusual anymore) I can go for three or four hours or more without smoking. I don't have a need for it, I don't get bitchy or irritable and I don't get that sudden, hungering need so many people talk about.

My addiction, I know, is largely psychosematic. When I see someone else smoking, I want a cigarette. When I smell the smoke, I want a cigarette. When no one around me is smoking, I don't. When I can't see (on TV or in movies) someone lighting up, I don't need or want to smoke.

And, there are some days when I will light up and immediately put it out cause I just don't want to have a cigarette. However, when Mom has said or done something which I take offense to, I want a cigarette and there's a feeling of irritation and... kind of an "I'll show you" attitude.

I hadn't noticed that until today. We were all at the restaurant, talking. I made a comment and Mom stiffened slightly because ...... start over.

In the restaurant, Mom was talking. She was describing the flooding problem and stated that the water was coming in along the bathroom floor. I interjected, politely, but interjected nonetheless, that the water was actually coming in from under the stairs and it entered the bathroom through the thin wall seperating the under-stair area and the bathroom.

Mom clenched her teeth for a brief moment and lowered her head a little, as if she were offended that I had spoken up and corrected her.

Now, I have absolutely no idea if I truly offended her, or if her reaction was directed at me or something else. I simply perceived that she was upset with me. Therefore, my instant reaction was to clamp my teeth shut and tell myself, silently, to shut up.

After another moment, still feeling slighted by my mother (for no reason whatsoever) I politely excused myself and went outside, lit up and then blammo the thought hit me.

My childish reaction to her implied reaction to my correction (did you follow that?) was to look at her, tell her to grow up a little and not be such a pain in the ass when it came to someone else correcting her. Heh.

She's my Mom though. I can't "correct" her. Therefore, connection is made. Perhaps I've been subconsciously making my own statement by smoking; knowing she hates it, knowing it bothers her both emotionally and physically, knowing that she has requested many, many times that I not smoke in my room...

Now, I could be totally off the mark, placing greater import upon my own motivation for smoking than there really is, but for me, in my life, there is always a reason I do everything. I don't just "do" something because there's nothing else to do.

Okay, that last little bit made no sense, really. What I meant to say was this, for me, there is a reason for every action. If I cook or don't cook, there is a specific reason for that. I don't do things in life because it's a habit.

Perhaps that's not accurate. I don't continue to do things just because it's a habit. When I realize that I'm doing something on auto-pilot (AKA without a specific reason behind the action) I figure out why I started that behavior.

I don't want to breathe just because everyone else breathes. I don't want to smoke just because it's a habit. I don't want to eat just because that's what people do to stay alive. I want to have a good reason for doing the things I do.

Therefore, when I realize that I've been behaving in a certain way on auto-pilot, I want to figure out a reason, a purpose. If there is no reason or purpose to do the thing, then I stop. If there is a reason/purpose to do the thing, then I want to analyze it, figure out if I want to continue reacting in that specific manner, then either consciously choose to continue, or consciously choose to stop.

So, now that I realize that at least a large part of the reason I still smoke is to "get back at" my Mother, perhaps I can find a different way to deal with the "need" to be spiteful and rebellious. Thus, the smoking will be a non-issue; a thing of the past.

I'll probably write more about this discovery later, when I have had more time to think about it. AS it is, this idea/discovery/thought is only about four hours old, if that. I'll think more on this and inform you of my results. Heh.

Now, on to thing two. This is the point where I get into the Spiritual discussion and all. Therefore, again, if you're not into that, or if you don't want to put up with it, or if you just don't have any desire to read about a woman who 1.) believes in God and the Spirit world and 2.) believes that satan and his hoarde is a bad thing, you may choose to go elsewhere now.

Heh.

Anyway, so as we went out to go garage saling a little bit after Breakfast, Mom and Dad and I stopped at a few different sales. I was watching my Father walk into one of the places, and his foot was bothering him. His health has deteriorated fairly steadily since January.

I was thinking about that, and about how my own health as improved drastically. So very drastically that it surprises me some days. I can walk without pain, I can move my foot without difficulty, I can move without fearing that whole falling down thing.

Yes, there is still more that I need to improve, but really, since the wreck four years ago, I have shed nearly 150 lbs and have kept it off. Yes, I have needed an entire new wardrobe. And I love my new clothes. I like feeling... healthier.

Regardless, since about January, I have gotten so much healthier, mentally, physically and psychologically. I feel freer and more vibrant and alive than I've felt in many, many, many years.

What I realized today was that in January, I started praying about my health and I started, actively, rebuking satan and his evil hoarde. Not just that, but I have demanded that the Spiritual nasties return to where they came.

The thing that hit so hard is that Dad's recent health problems have been very, very similar to those I had after the wreck. And the person who caused the wreck? My Father. He's the one who was driving. He's the one who didn't see the semi. He walked away with bruised ribs while I was in the hospital for barely over a month.

I had severe Siatic nerve trouble. I had paralysis in my right leg and the damage was so severe that I couldn't move my foot. I had constant and continual numbness in my right foot and couldn't feel my toes at all. When one touched my foot, I couldn't feel it.

Since January, when Dad started having numbness in his extremities, my own numbness started going away. Every day I had a little more feeling. Every day I was able to move better, faster, more completely. Every day I was able to move with less stiffness and more gracefully.

So, as I watched my father walking, seeing him walk the way I was walking four years ago, feeling lost, dejected and unwelcome, the way I was four years ago (and even up until December of this past year) I realized that I didn't feel dejected, lost, alone, unwelcome, sad, lonely, scared or damaged anymore.

I feel wonderful and alive and bright and cheerful.

My Father has been going downhill just as rapidly as I've been getting better. And I think that my sending the Spiritual nasties back to where they came from, may well have a part in that.

Therefore, I will conclude this entry with asking for prayers from you. I request that you pray for both me and my Father. I ask that you pray for continued healing for me and that satan and his entire hoarde be stricken from my Father. Not just stricken, but bound and thrown away and that these evil spirits of disease and destruction be bound in such a way that they can not ever infect anyone else.

I think about the story of the man infected with the legion of demons. I remember that Christ sent them from the man and He allowed them to enter the herd of pigs. And, subsequently, those pigs, the entire herd, stampeded over a cliff.

I don't want the demonic presense to infect anyone else. I don't want the demonic presense to infect the land or animals either. I don't want them to infect the air either.

Therefore, in the name of Jesus Christ, the Messiah, I call upon the power of the Holy Spirit and bind the demonic hoarde within my Father. And, in the name of Jesus and by the power of the Holy Spirit, I banish these demons to the pits of hell, that they never, ever be released to harm any living thing ever again. In the name of the Almighty God! Amen!