Music for the night: Staind, Techno and Yankovich

There is something I wish to say. And yet, I don�t know what it is. I get into that condition far to often as of late. The reason for my recent inability to speak my mind? I believe that I have stopped writing for myself.

You�ve probably known this for a while. Yes, I�ve know this for a while too, I just haven�t done anything about it.

I, like most of the people in Diaryland, want the popularity. I like it when people respond to what I�ve said. I enjoy the feedback; even the passive feedback. i.e.: hits.

So, I want to turn this diary back into my personal sounding board; my personal psychotherapy area. I suppose that one of the things which will result from this choice is a drop in �attendance�, so to speak. It�s possible that the audience will grow. Who knows?

Regardless, I now have to figure out how to get my headphones to work with this new comp. There are three jacks on the back of this machine, but I�ve obviously not found the right one yet. Tonight I�ll figure it out.

-- I figured it out. Hooray. --

So, here I am, listening to Staind, sinking back into that sweet place where I can write for a while with the music pouring through my brain. It moves me that way. All my life (at least that part which I�ve been aware of) the thing which always gets to me is music. I can think with music. I can breathe and create and compose with music. I�m not so good with silence. And, I�m better when the music is flowing directly into my brain through headphones, than if it�s just playing in the room.

So, are there any great revelations I wish to make at this time? Is there anything spectacular I want to say? Not really. I�m kind of just in a rut. I haven�t had much creative brain power lately. I�ve been spending my time just living, not really paying much attention to what�s going on around me.

It�s not like the previous ten years though. I�m involved in living now. Rather than just sitting around on my ass, letting life just float around me, I�ve been doing stuff. I�ve been away from the computer a lot. I�ve been breathing deeply of the sweet air. And I�ve been working.

My sister complains a lot. She complains about her living situation, her family, her lack of a husband, her lack of support. I�ve been listening to this for a long while. She has been attending classes at the local community college for six years. Six years. She doesn�t have any kind of degree yet. Not even an associate�s degree.

I�ve been thinking about this lately. She has said, often, that she just doesn�t know exactly what she�s supposed to do. She wants to pursue her art. (She�s an incredible artist. Her portraits are stunningly beautiful and she can capture flow and movement with such ease. Her work comes alive when you look at it.) She took a few art classes, but the instructors didn�t always agree with what she was doing. And, she took their private lives as a personal offense. *shrugs*

Regardless, she displays much unhappiness and she has taken many, many classes in quite a few different fields never following through with anything she has chosen. I think about this quite a bit, specifically in recent weeks. She has pursued every field except poly-sci, mechanics and nursing. And yet, she ignores the field wherein her incredible talent lies.

What have I told her? She won�t be truly happy and feel complete until she is doing that which she was designed to do. Do I believe this? With every fiber of my being. Does she take my advice? No.

However, and here we come to the crux of this specific entry, have I taken my advice? Nope. Should I? Yes. Will I? Yes.

I�ve started my search for more music. My primary interest right now is gospel and Christian music. I�m looking for cool stuff that sounds good and carries a strong, potent message. But I don�t like the boring, repetitive, redundant (repetition intended) and irritating stuff that I find so quickly and easily.

True to form, I am not interested in the �praise and worship� music which is designed for the congregation en masse and is simplistic and repetitive. I like �songs�. You know, things from artists such as Sandi Patti, Amy Grant, Carmen, Steve Green. These are songs designed for a soloist. And that is me, folks.

Like Whoopi Goldberg said in Sister Act II �I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Las Vegas Showgirl. I, am a headliner!�

*laughs quietly*

My design, that thing which makes me the person I am, that �thing� that creates in me perfection, is singing. Therefore, if I�m not happy with the way my life is turning out, why not try the thing I�m really, really good at?

Friday afternoon I met up with Duncan (briefly) at the post office. He asked me if I had sung Karaoke at the celebration the city had. There was, supposedly, a place set up where people could do Karaoke throughout the Fourth. Without thinking, I shook my head and said that I didn�t do Karaoke anymore. He asked why not. I said that Karaoke was not what my talent was designed for.

I didn�t use those words. I think I said something akin to, �I have a different purpose.�

Regardless, that statement wasn�t a conscious one. In fact, I didn�t even really hear myself say it until I was replaying the conversation this afternoon.

What is my purpose? To bring Glory to God through voice; to heal through song - religiously.

Therefore, I am writing a letter to Romine Ministries, based in Vancouver, WA. They have an accredited University program which I think I like the sound of. Mom has been taking intensive Doctorate classes through Romine Ministries. She really likes it and I must admit it�s right up my alley. (of course, I�ll have to brush up on my term paper skills. (which are pretty much null and void at this present time))

So, I am sending a letter to Romine Ministries. And, most probably, by September, I�ll be attending classes three days a week. I�ll be able to finish my Bachelor�s degree, then get my Master�s. Eventually I want to have a Doctorate, but I�m not going to plan that far ahead.

And what will be my main course of study? Healing and praising God through song.

Send up a few prayers for me. I�m a little apprehensive about this. I want to do it. I want the education and I know that this is where my strongest talent lies. But it�s still a little scary because it will break me out of my comfort zone.

I can handle it, but sometimes the little kid in me wants to throw her hands up and say, �no way, uh uh, not me!� Not for any real reason, but just because I don�t want to prove my mother right. Heh.

*chuckles*

So, peace unto thy hearts. May God bless you richly!

J