Well, two things to discuss today. But first...

Yes, today is my Mother�s birthday. She has successfully made it through sixty years, remaining a bright, lively, vibrant, beautiful, strong woman. Would that every child had a mother like her. (And yes, I honestly mean that!)

Of the items on my agenda for this evening�s discussion:

First, My brother�s biological mother died this week. It�s heart wrenching to me. Not because of any closeness with her or because I actually feel any pain or emotional involvement, but because I imagine what my brother would be feeling right about now.

Second topic will be a continuation of the Tiger stuff. I had intended a specific direction for that entry, but it sort of took off on a parallel track. Ended up close to my chosen destination, but not exactly there.

So, Those are the things I want to cover tonight. But, I only have until 9pm. The pilot/premier of �Monk� is on tonight. *grins big* I�ve been wanting to see it for quite some time; so much so, in fact, that I am willing to miss SG1 tonight. Heh.

Anyway, I want to talk about my brother. For a couple months now I�ve been wanting to establish contact with him again. Part of me doesn�t want to disrupt his life. Part of me doesn�t want to risk the possible arguments and grousing for which he is well known. And yet the largest part of me wants to talk to him, hold him, comfort him, tell him how much I love him.

Now that his mother has died, there is an opportunity to send a note to him. There are so many things I�d like to say. But I really do have to be careful.

I�m concerned for my brother. This death is really hard on him. Not for the reasons most would think, however. Dan and his mother didn�t really have much of a relationship. They weren�t close. Her death isn�t hard because there was such a great bond (like there is between my mom and I). It�s hard on him because now he has almost no family whatsoever. At least in his mind.

He threw away the family that chose him. The family that birthed him, so to speak, threw him away. He ran away from the family he created. The walls are closing in around him.

Of course, I could be very wrong, but I don�t think so. I grew up with Dan and I think I know how his mind works. I know his motives, ideas, thoughts and fantasies. I know about his brain and the way he chooses to look at life.

My brother spent his whole life wishing, hoping and dreaming about the family he �really� belonged to. He created fantasies which were very real to him. In one, he believed (for a long while) that his �real� father was Neil Diamond. He really believed this. It was a version of reality he could deal with.

He truly believed that when he finally found his �real� mother she would welcome him home. He believed she would be there in tears, wondering where her dear, little boy had been. He believed that she would be heartbroken that her dear son had been stolen from her for so long. He was never all that good with truth.

Dan was both pissed off and crushed when he finally met her (through mom who spent boucoup bucks to find the location of this woman) and found out that not only had he not been missed, he wasn�t really all that welcome. It hurt him so deeply, but instead of realizing that his own hopes, dreams and fantasies were both unrealistic and wrong, he chose to believe that 1) we had somehow poisoned his �real� family against him, and 2) that sooner or later they (his mother, specifically) would pull him close and truly welcome him �home�.

Now that she�s dead, he has no chance at finding a home with them. The oldest brother died at the end of last year. His mother died this week. His older brother... *shrugs*

I remember meeting that woman. Both brothers too. I wish absolutely no ill on any of them. I do not, however, have any respect for any of them at all. It pisses me off that 1) she never, ever, ever showed Dan any support or love, and 2) That Dan still refused to see that she was a cold, callous woman who wanted nothing but to forget her past; especially Dan.

She said, repeatedly, that she didn�t drink at all during her pregnancy. She said she didn�t smoke, drink or do any kind of drugs with him. She wouldn�t have done that. She was a good woman. *shakes her head* Bull shit, Bitch!

*clears her throat* Sorry, did I say that aloud?

We (Dan, Yvonne and Barricade) went to her apartment for New Years. Barricade wasn�t even a month old yet. (she was born Dec. 9th) We got there and his mother was already drunk; completely gone. (we got there at about 3 or so in the afternoon) She nodded, smiled faintly and shook my hand. She spent about 30 minutes, throughout the entire day and night, with us. The rest of the time, she was in the kitchen drinking and smoking, or in one or another room.

She glared at Dan behind his back a time or two. She sneered at Yvonne. I can only imagine what gestures she was making behind my back.

She was not a loving woman. She drank all the time. She smoked all the time. Dan was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome/Effect and addicted to Cocaine. No, she didn�t drink, drug or smoke during that pregnancy... not at all. She never even saw the baby. She shoved him out of her womb and went home. He was in such bad shape when he was born that he spent three months in the hospital.

And he expected her to welcome him home with open arms amid tears of joy.

I pity my brother. I really do. It�s gotta be hard living inside the head that believes those that truly love you are rotten, abusive and evil people. It�s gotta be really hard to be him. He has hated us for so damned long. Me included. And he has expected his �real� family to start acting like the people in his fantasies.

Sometimes I wish I could rip open his head and shove in the knowledge that he turned his back on his real family and that those others he�s biologically related to threw him away; and kept throwing him away.

There were a few times when I would like to have gone to that woman, grabbed her around the neck and choked the life out of her for treating my brother that way. But then, there are also times when I wanted to grab my brother about the throat and choke the life out of him for being such an obstinate and idiotic pain in the ass.

Dan�s whole life hurts. And now that his mother is truly gone, beyond his reach, he can�t wait for the day when she�ll become the mother he wanted her to be. It�s so hard, in this life, to understand and accept that the parents you have aren�t always perfect. It�s really hard to accept that no matter what, the parents you have are doing the best they know how. If you keep comparing them to your own fantasies, you�re never going to be happy.

*sighs*

So, what do I want to say to Dan? What do I want to tell him in this time of his life when he feels that no matter how hard he tries, he just can�t ever catch a break? What would you say?

*smiles faintly*

I suppose that less is more.

Hmmm. Dan, if ever you chose to look inside my head and see what I was thinking... this is what you�d see:

I love you. I�m scared for you. I wanted your life to be so much better than it was. I want your future to be so very much better than your past. I want you to feel peace of mind. And, I want you to know, to truly believe and understand, that you are loved.

If I knew how to tell you that I love you, I would. If I could make my love for you enough, I would. But I can�t. There isn�t anything I can do to convince you, to change your mind, to make you believe something you have fought against your whole life.

I miss you, my brother. I really miss you. I miss the human part of you. I miss the man who looked into my eyes when I was too damned scared, angry and confused to confront Becky about my being �the other woman�. You looked into my eyes and, damn it, you saw that I just couldn�t take another step. There was such kindness, such earnest love in your own expression. Damn it, I wish, so very, very much, that I could help you the way you helped me.

I miss you. I wish I could pour my love into you and have that be enough. I wish I could just snap my fingers and make your life good. I wish so many, many things, Dan. Mostly, I wish you find peace. I wish you will finally be able to move on in your life.

If there were anything I could ever tell you... if you never, ever spoke to me again, if you never read anything I write, if you never give a flying fuck in hell what is going on in my life... I wish you to know that I see in you a strong, capable, talented and loving man.

With all the shit that has fallen your way, that which was accidental and that which you created for yourself, you have come out of it pretty well. I see in you strengths you may never have known existed. I see in you, kindness you might not have any clue how to access. I see in you a perfect creation of God. And I see a man who desperately, desperately wants to find his place in life.

Dan, your place is being YOU. You�re the only �you� there is. You were created for a purpose. Discover that purpose and go with it. Fly, Dan. Fly far and high into the air. You have wings. Use them.

Damn it, I love you so much. I want every good thing for you. I just wish there were some way you would believe me. I wish to God that some day you will believe in yourself. You�re worth it, Dan. Take the risk. Take the chance and see how far you fly. You�re so good, I just wish you could see your own goodness.

*sighs*

I wish you happiness and joy, peace of mind and the spirit of a sound mind. You are special, wonderful and so very, very loved. Someday soon, I hope, you will realize that.

Stay safe, my brother. I miss you and I love you.

When Duncan and I were starting the divorce process, I was at my brother and sister-in-law�s court hearing for their own divorce. (theirs dragged on for nearly a year, mine was three months from first filing to finalization... uncontested) He took me aside and in a faint voice, sorrow and misery heavy, he told me, �If there�s any love left at all, don�t do it. Give him another try. If you love him at all...�

*smiles sadly*

All his life, my brother has followed through with the bad choices because he thought he had to finish what he started. He never understood the concept of the Murphy Factor. And he never understood the concept of admitting he made a big mistake and taking responsibility (apologizing and switching back to the correct track). He never intended to divorce Yvonne. But, he wasn�t strong enough as a human being to live on his own. The chick he was shacked up with was forcing him to get divorced. She masterminded the deal. In order to keep the chick he was fucking, he had to destroy the marriage. (never did he understand that he had broken it. It could have been repaired if he�d thought of that option... the stepping out broke the marriage, but Yvonne would have taken him back. The divorce destroyed the marriage.)

You know, it really wouldn�t surprise me much if Dan and Yvonne did get back together. Yes, he�s married now, to someone else. But he�s already started stepping out on her. *shrugs* He keeps looking for that external fix. He�s still addicted. He was addicted from infancy. Damn, if only I could open up his head and re-wire his brain like I can a blown stereo. *sighs*

Anyway, I�m going to log off for the time being. I�ll be back later (after Monk) to write up the second topic for tonight. Peace unto thy hearts.