yet another entry posted to OddGoogle. Wow. I�m on a roll. Three times in one week. Will the world ever be the same?

Yeah, okay, so it�s not that big a deal, so sue me. No, wait, don�t. I haven�t checked my Lotto ticket. I don�t know if I�ve won yet. Heh.

Mom and I were praying before our little church group met this morning. We decided to do this before services each time to invite God into the process. It was really interesting as one of the things we�d stated was that evil things should not be allowed to come in. Nothing evil was allowed through the doors.

Services usually start at 1pm. So, as Mom and I are waiting for the few other people who usually show up, we�re looking back and forth at each other and the clock. At 1pm, no one showed up. At 1:10 no one had shown up. At 1:20 no one had shown up. We were wondering if there was something major going on.

Finally, at about 1:30 the individual who usually officiates showed up. He had left his own home on time, but had been required to stop at another attendee�s home. That attendee had hurt his back and the officiator prayed over him, anointing him for healing. At about 1:40 my sister showed up.

It was really funny for Mom and I to be praying so heart-felt-ly for the banishment of evil and then have no one show up on time.

Yeah, okay, so maybe it isn�t funny to you, but I�m not writing this specifically for you anymore, remember?

*chuckles*

Discovering yourself is an interesting journey. Sometimes I wonder why I still bother with half the things I do. That�s not really what I want to say, or talk about for that matter, but yet again I�m stuck for a topic and I can�t seem to force myself to get into writing form.

I suppose there�s something I need to draw out of my subconscious. That�s usually the way it works. There�s some great understanding, some knowledge I need in order to take the next step in my life, but I can�t get my conscious brain to understand what it is.

Most often I get this realization, the new truth thing, through dreams. I�ll be sleeping and suddenly wake up with some form of myself, telling me a key ingredient. Sure, that doesn�t make much sense, but I know what I mean.

The song I�m listening to right now is from Vertical Horizon. Part of the chorus is the line, �I wanna give you back.�

I feel that so strongly. But not about someone else. I feel that about the old me. That part of me that was so... angry... and broken. I don�t want to be broken anymore.

I suppose it is about someone else.

Another song that Vertical Horizon does, which I�m listening to now, also seems so poignant.

�Is there a trace
inside her face
of a lonely miracle
and so you wait
and lie awake
for a lonely miracle�

There have been times when I have, indeed, waited for someone else to come and magically cure all my ills. It just doesn�t work that way.

I have the ability to fix my problems. But I haven�t fixed them. And why? Because it�s much more comfortable to pretend that sooner or later, someone else will fix them for me.

Why am I still fat? Because I don�t want to go through the effort of choosing healthy foods to consume. I don�t eat too much, I just eat the wrong foods. Things that �taste good�, things that are high in fat and have no actual nutritional value, those are the things I choose to prepare for myself.

I know how to exercise. And I even know how to exercise given my physical limitations. But I choose not to because it requires me to break out of my rut. And, if I maybe got physically healthy on my own, then I wouldn�t appear to be special??? *frowns* I don�t think that�s what I mean.

I�ve held to this subtle fantasy that I would somehow be a great and wonderful example of how God can miraculously transform someone from one thing into another. I still believe that I will be an example. However, I always wanted it to be some instant thing. I wanted to be walking along the street when suddenly I looked in the shop window and discovered that, pewf, I was slender. *chuckles*

And the thing that pops into my mind as I typed that? �You didn�t get fat in five seconds, why should you want to be slender in five seconds?�

*laughs quietly*

See... The end result is miraculous. The process doesn�t have to be. The before and after pictures will be amazing and miraculous to see. But why do I have to expect that I�m so important that I need instant transformation of physical body? Does that make any sense at all?

I�ve been spending a very large portion of my life expecting miraculous intervention. I just sort of expected things to be handed to me... expected my decisions to be made for me. I�m not sure if that�s completely a �thing� of mine, or if that�s more a universal developmental thing. I would tend toward the latter as I�ve seen others go through similar beliefs.

Regardless, I�ve been �expecting� a miraculous intervention. Kind of like having someone just pick me up and put me in the place I�m supposed to be. And yet, that�s not the way life is turning out.

I suppose that if this is a universal thing, that most people go through this in their early to mid twenties. I�ve always been a little slower on the uptake. Heh. it does take me a bit longer to get my arse in gear sometimes.

I don�t know. Maybe this is a thing that happens to people when they hit their thirties. I remember talking with a friend of mine a few years back. He told me that when men hit thirty, they realize that they have greater responsibility... they realize that they have to change their lives, their mentalities... their mindset, so to speak. Maybe this is what he was talking about???

I don�t know. I can�t talk about this anymore right this minute. I will, however, work on this tomorrow and post more. That�s a promise to myself. I have to get this out... it�s important. It�s the beginning of the next step. I can feel it.