This is part two of a two-part entry, so read part one first... duh.

I remember, distinctly, one �night� when Duncan and I were� involved. I was laying there wondering when it would be over, couldn�t he just do what he came to do and get it over with so I could be comfortable once again.

There was no passion for me. None. I was so� bored. But I know why, now.

You see, according to Dr. Gray, a woman needs to feel loved before she can open up and allow herself to enjoy sex, whereas a man has to have the release of sex before he can open up and feel. I never before understood why Duncan was more loving and interested in my life the day after; especially when I felt so� used, so unloved and unwanted.

Because I was feeling used and unwanted, even when he tried to be loving and gentle, I would push him away. In those rare times when I actually was willing to be loving and gentle toward him, he had been burned and pushed away so many times that he wasn�t willing to take the risk.

We were involved in a downward spiral.

My Mother had suggested that I read some of Dr Gray�s books and even loaned me one of his books on tape, the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus one. I listened to this during the day while Duncan was at work, and I learned a lot from it, about cave time and a man�s need to relax and disconnect with the needs of his work atmosphere.

I started giving him time when he came home from work. I gave him about half an hour to forty-five minutes to relax, drink a beer and watch TV. But then, stupid me, I didn�t initiate any conversation. I was of the opinion that after his cave time, if he wanted to talk or communicate with me, he would do so.

*laughs, shaking her head* I was so foolish. Here I was, giving him cave time, then I never asked him to come out of the cave. I just waited around until he instigated some kind of conversation.

After about six months of that, I got tired of waiting and went off to do my own thing. I would be on the computer most of the time. I really believed that he didn�t want me. I believed that he just didn�t want to talk to me or really spend any time with me.

So, I would sleep in after he�d gone to work. I would sit in the living room and read or watch TV. At first I would read, then I would just sit there and stare vacantly at the TV. Some days I wouldn�t change the channel at all. It�s not like I was actually watching anything, it was just on in the background.

He would come home from work at lunch time, fix himself lunch and watch Springer. Then he would go back to work. Sometime he and I would exchange up to ten words during that hour. Most often we wouldn�t.

Then, when he was about to get home from work, I would go into the computer room and play. I would play solitaire or write. I would just lose myself in some mundane, brainless activity where my eyes weren�t even focused on the screen. Then, around 8 or so, when it was okay with Duncan that I get online, I would get online and slip into the chat rooms.

That�s when I came alive. I would play my character, Tiger, and live and be free and dance through the cyber-waves living up a storm.

Duncan would poke his head in the door around ten-is and say he was going to bed. What I never, ever realized, was that that was his signal to me that he would like me to come to bed too, that he would like to have some time holding me, talking to me, having some contact with me.

I never, ever, ever realized that was what he was saying.

For all my ability to read people and understand what they mean, who they are and what they want just from the way they carry themselves� I couldn�t tell jack shit about Duncan after we were married. It was like once I said �I Do�, everything I�d known about him before� all my abilities to communicate with him in some semblance of functionality was gone. Erased, even. It was� so weird.

But, from this experience, I have learned a few things I can apply to my future relationship, whenever it does arise.

I know now that in order to truly live with a man, I have to be able to communicate with him. But more than that, I have to feel as if he has heard me. How do I make that happen? How do I get heard?

*laughs* First off, he has to be willing to listen.

I think about my father. He shut down his ability to listen a long, long time ago. He rarely listens anymore. He almost never takes part in the conversation going on around him unless it�s to put in a one-liner by which he can get attention and then steal the focus. He doesn�t do this out of some malicious desire to make everyone else feel two inches tall, though that�s often the result, he does it because it is the coping mechanism he knows. He doesn�t know how to get attention any other way. He doesn�t know that if he just looked at one of us and said, �I�d really like to have some positive attention.� We�d be far more inclined to give him said attention.

I don�t think Dad is capable of saying that, though. He just doesn�t have that kind of vocabulary. I don�t think he truly understands that he is completely disrupting the flow of conversation. I believe that what he sees is other people having fun and that he wants to have fun and be a part of it. He just doesn�t have the foggiest idea how to become a part of it. He doesn�t share very well.

*laughs*

I make these observations less for your edification than for my own edification. I know that I will re-read this at some point in the future and I will be able to see myself in the way I describe my father. He�s a great man and well intentioned, he just doesn�t have the foggiest idea how to behave.

Like him, I knew that I was missing something in my relationship with Duncan. I didn�t know what I was missing and I didn�t have the foggiest idea how to get it. I didn�t even know how to figure out what was missing.

Now I know, however.

I was missing intimacy; true and real intimacy. It�s not just the sex part, though that�s pretty damned intimate in many cases. It was that spiritual, mental, physical, psychological and emotional bond which great sex helps create and strengthen. Obviously Duncan didn�t know that�s what was missing, nor did he know how to fix that problem.

I�m actually a little surprised that it�s taken me this long to figure it out. *chuckles quietly, shaking her head* It�s been just over four years since our divorce was finalized. Four years after the fact and I�m just now figuring out one of the biggest problems.

This may be way more information than any of you want, but it�s my diary. Hell, it�s more information than I want, but so be it.

I�m thinking that one of the things which might help my parents� relationship is deeper intimacy. There�s a possibility that neither of them knows what�s actually wrong. Hell, they�re still married and that�s a hell of a lot more than I can say for myself. *chuckles* Mom and Dad have been married for 28 and a half years now.

Well, I�m not going to talk about them anymore. Mom and Dad have their own method of dealing with life and each other. It�s between them and not up for discussion on the �Net. *chuckles*

But, I have realized a few things in this life. I know now a few things I can do and say when I have another relationship. I know some new ways in which to communicate what I think. And, I know how to not be offended by a lack of communication. *chuckles* I didn�t know that before.

I�m sorry Duncan. But, as they say, hind sight is 20/20. And I don�t mean a news program either.

Until next time�

PS. Biko, by Peter Gabriel, just started. *chuckles*