I told you I was thinking about a more in-depth entry. Well, here it is. *chuckles quietly*

First, the music playing in the background:

I Want A Little Girl, Don�t Let Me Be Lonely Tonight, Running On Faith and River Of Tears by Eric Clapton. Circle by Big Head Todd and the Monsters. Perfect Water by Blue Oyster Cult. Who Wants To Live Forever by Queen. The Downeaster Alexa and And So It Goes by Billy Joel, Mercy Street, Red Rain, Zaar and Biko by Peter Gabriel. And more, but I�m not sure I�ll still be writing by the time I�m through with those.

So, as of late I�ve been reading Dr. John Gray�s book Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. Hey, don�t laugh, it�s been quite informative. I�ve been reading little bits here and there, as time permits. And I�m learning quite a bit.

Through this book, which is a discussion of sex between men and women, I can see a lot of areas where Duncan and I went wrong, so to speak. Sometimes I get the feeling that our marriage was a case-study for his book. *chuckles*

As it is, however, what I�ve learned has been very interesting. Through stories and anecdotes Dr. Gray shares, I realize that I�m not the only one who has had difficulty in the intimacy department. I also realize that there were some things I could have done which would have made our sexual relationship much, much better.

I don�t know what it is, but I kind of get the feeling, or at least I used to, that pretty much everyone on the face of the earth knows more about sex than I do. I don�t mean about how we get babies, or what turns a man on� I know those things, but�

This is it� one of the reasons I chose Duncan is because he had had quite a bit of sexual experience whereas I had had practically none. Let me put it this way, my sexual experience prior to Duncan was pretty much limited to what I�d read in the two romance novels I�d forced my way through. (they bored me)

One of the things Dr Gray said in his book is that women need about ten times longer than men to get turned on. I didn�t know that. I thought that most women out there were able to flip a switch, so to speak. I know that most men, not all, but definitely most, are able to see something and be instantly hard. They�re ready to go. I�d always thought that I had some defect because I didn�t get aroused like that.

I�m really contemplating not posting this as, well, ya know, it�s really kind of extremely and� well� Awww Hell, it�s embarrassing as all get out. See, some of you know that I can be extremely flirtatious and flippant about sexual scenarios. Sure, I can talk a good line if need be, but when it comes to my personal life, my desires and wants and stuff like that� when it comes to who and what I am, the topic of sex should not ever arise. *chuckles nervously*

I can talk about sex as long as it is just surface conversation; or if it involves anyone other than me (or my parents. That one is a given, my parents have never had and never will have sex!!!)

Erm, anyway. When it comes down to me discussing my personal sex life, that�s something I really, really, really don�t want to do. Besides the fact that it�s extremely personal and the utmost in private matters, the amount of experience I�ve had could be summed up in a few short paragraphs. *chuckles*

===As a completely unrelated aside, for those of you paying attention, when I �chuckle� or when I type �*chuckles*� that�s a deep, low, throaty laugh. It is not nervous laughter. If I�m laughing nervously, I will type in (as I did above) �*chuckles nervously*�. Just for clarification purposes. Heh.===

So, as I have been reading this book, I have noticed that there were real and legitimate things going on between Duncan and I which made it virtually impossible to have sex let alone a healthy sexual relationship. We had communication issues up the wazzu. Hell, one of the things that I knew for a fact is that I felt pressured. I felt like it was my responsibility to perform for him whenever he wanted it.

He never once pressured me into having sex. He never asked me to perform when I didn�t want to, or rather, when I said I didn�t want to. The problem was, I didn�t say when I didn�t want to. I didn�t say when I wanted to either. I fell into the pit of that ages-old male-female problem of the female wanting the male to be able to read her mind. Only I didn�t do that on a conscious level.

I�m sure that�s just so confusing, but let me try to clarify a little bit.

I believed that since Duncan had had more sexual experience than I had, much, much more, that he would somehow, intuitively know what I needed/wanted. I didn�t have the foggiest idea what I needed or wanted sexually. Before I met Duncan, I�d never had sex. Before I�d met Duncan, I�d never had a loving relationship with a man.

He loved me. He loved me so very much. His greatest desire in life was to take care of me, to make me happy. Yes, I�m getting away from the point again, but hell, that�s one of the things we females do quite well. *chuckles*

Another one of the things that Dr Gray said is that though men often take the more direct approach, sometimes women really need to take the circular route in order to figure out what they really mean. I am not unlike other women in this kind of situation, though I have tried my damnedest to be. I�ve tried telling myself that I don�t need to process my thoughts in a circular manner. I wanted to believe that a whole hell of a lot.

Writing in this diary has given me a great release; I have been able to circle my thoughts and problems time and again. I have been able to probably irk the heck out of most of my male readers because generally they�d be able to pick out my exact points within the first couple paragraphs, yet I write four or five pages. *chuckles*

Anyway, back to sex. Man I really don�t like discussing this. It�s like I�m exposing everything I am to people I don�t trust. It would be like walking around naked in front of strangers. I�m way too much of a prude to do that. *smirks*

Once again *forces herself back to the point* Through reading the book, I am discovering that my natural inclination to circle subjects is not a defect or flaw. It�s generally how women process events in their lives.