It�s a new day here in Kirkland. What a delightful experience to wake up to a world which still isn�t home. * chuckles* This morning I spent a bit of time praying over the house. It feels better since I�ve done that.

I�ve been reading from a book mom sent with me. It�s published by the Guideposts folks, called The Hidden Hand of God. This book is filled with inspirational stories about the miracles of prayer. It shows the spiritual, physical and emotional value of prayer. Sometimes I need that extra boost.

It�s been interesting to hear about so many different people and the effect God has had in their lives. It�s a faith builder for me. And yet, I still have this little, gnarley feeling that I�m sounding too much like one of those Bible thumpers.

I have nothing against Christianity. I have nothing against those who have been inspired and encouraged by God. But I do have a problem with those people who talk about nothing but God, Bible, Church but don�t really walk the walk.

I suppose this isn�t really the best attitude for me to have. Wouldn�t my irritation be tantamount to judgment? And isn�t that judgment wrong? Didn�t God tell me not to judge folks?

I�m having a little difficulty wrapping my mind around that. Specifically because I have been paying attention to the whole forgiveness thing. You know, unforgiveness leads to so many different things. There are specific illnesses which can be attributed to being unforgiving. Bitterness is caused by unforgiveness.

But what about those people who don�t recognize that they�re bitter/unforgiving? What if there isn�t anyone they need to forgive? Have they forgiven themeselves?

Sometimes the only person you have left to forgive is yourself. Maybe you don�t even know that you need to forgive yourself. What could you have to forgive yourself for? How about self hatred? Ever have a day when you thought you were less than you wanted to be?

This shoots me into thoughts about Lee. I really identify him as an example of this. I remember him talking about how he didn�t like his body shape�how he didn�t like it throughout much of his life. I remember him talking about how he wished he looked different, that he wanted to be thin� skinny, even.

The reason that�s an example, and why it means so much to me, is that I too was feeling that way for a large part of my life. I thought that if my body was different, it would somehow change who I was.

What happens is that the mind builds up all that self loathing� the mind takes it and puts it someplace. I personally think that it becomes fat, disease, pain, some form of ailment.

So, what are some of the things that people don�t forgive themselves for? What have Inot forgiven myself for? What have I not forgiven my ancestors for?

You know the Bible tells us that the sins of the father are carried down to the third and fourth generations. Well, personally I think that until one of the generations repents and forgives the originator of the sin, the problems/symptoms continue.

No, I don�t know this as fact, but I do believe it to be true� it sort of makes sense to me. Let me see if I can put this into an example� My great grandparents had a love-less marriage. Great Grandfather actually loved someone else, marrying my Great Grandmother for spite, then carrying on a very long-term affair with the woman he was actually in love with.

I think this may have led to some� erm, negative feelings.

Regardless, throughout the course of the next few generations, my grandmother was married and divorced three times. My mother was divorced, I was divorced. My Aunt was divorced. My Uncle was divorced. See a pattern here?

My brother was divorced. My father (step-dad) was divorced as was his son. My other father (biological) was divorced four times. I�m thinking there might be some pattern here, ya know? Perhaps there�s a problem with marital solidity. Ya think?

Back in a bit.

So, I�m currently watching a Seagal flick. *grins * I really like him. There�s something so comforting about his quiet voice and deadly power. * grins again* Yeah, so I can be a little weird. Or, rather, a lot weird. But still, I think that Seagal is pretty much the cat�s meow when it comes to action heroes.

What can I say? I think the guy rocks. I�m not interested in a sexual manner, though. My mind and emotions are spoken to by this man. He speaks quietly and the tone and timbre of his voice slides into my ears and grabs hold. Heath Ledger has similar vocal quality. There�s just something to the tone� that low, quiet, rumbling pattern of speech.

Anyway, Seagal plays characters which are confident and controled. That really speaks to me. I like the whole self-confidence thing, but I also like the fact that he�s controlled� that he knows when and how to respond. He doesn�t react to a situation, he acts within the situation. I like that a lot.

He portrays a capability which many men seem to want to portray but which comes out as bravado. It�s that thing I�ve heard many women looking for. I�ve heard of so many women who want a man to be confident within themselves, men who are capable of carrying on a conversation involving more than single-sylable words, men who are able to defend and protect them should the need arise. Much of the time, though, the men fall short of that because they�re focused on the force part of the protect and defend issue.

Many men seem to think that being more forceful is the same as defending their loved ones. That simply isn�t true. It doesn�t quite work that way.

I could, of course, just be spouting off worthless thoughts because I�m half involved in the movie, half thinking about the soup on the stove, and completely oblivious of most of what�s going on around me. AT least today I am. I�m tired too, as if that weren�t enough.

Dunno, sometimes I think that I�m typing just to see how fast my fingers can move without making any major mistakes. Maybe I�m just typing to prove to myself that I can type and watch a movie at the same time. Heh. Maybe I should just shut up and concentrate on the movie, huh?

Well, my Uncle came over today to do a little work on Gram�s car. Turns out that she may well have done more damage to it than we at first thought. She had a little accident a couple weeks ago. She�s been depressed and upset about it since then.

Regardless, the car makes a nasty sound (probably the fan blades hitting something or other) whenever it�s turned on. We tried moving the shroud (is that the right word?) but the noise only got louder. We don�t know exactly what�s going on, but eventually we�ll find out.

I gotta get going right now. I'll be back later.