So, here I sit again, coming to you from the laptop of death. Okay, so that�s a lie, it�s not a laptop of death. IT�s a plus 12 laptop of confoundation. *chuckles * Yeah, okay, so that�s a lie too, but you love me anyway, don�tcha?

Today I went to church. Grandma and I were going to go together, but it didn�t happen. She decided that she didn�t want to get up in time, so I went alone. I went to the Lutheran church out here� Epiphany Lutheran in Kenmore. It was much better than I had anticipated.

When I went to school at Pacific Lutheran University, I was used to the stolid, reserved Lutheran atmosphere. However, when I walked into this church, I was very pleasantly surprised with the warmth, love and generosity of the congregation. It was a wonderful service. Not earth shattering, but very pleasant. I enjoyed myself and was welcomed.

The message was about bringing people to God. But it wasn�t that kind of you-will-go-out-and-rope-people-into-coming-to-church thing, it was more of a Christ centered message. The point was that through a believer�s faith, an unbeliever can be saved. I agree with that intrinsically.

Think of the scenario described in Mark where the friends get together and bring their paralytic buddy to hear Jesus preach. The four friends were so determined, they knew that Jesus could help their friend, that they carried the friend up onto the roof, dug a hole in the roof, and lowered the friend down to where Jesus was preaching.

Jesus then forgave the paralytic and told him to get up and walk� and he did. But the paralytic didn�t get up and walk because of his own faith, his own belief in God. He got up and walked because of the faith and belief of his four friends.

And that was the point. The message was easily understandable and welcoming. It�s good that the church is saying that someone can be saved, healed, whatever through the believer�s faith. It takes the pressure off. It makes it so that ya don�t have to convert people in order to help them, which is the way most evangelical churches behave.

I�ve met many people who think that it is their responsibility to convert all the people who don�t believe the same way they do. I simply don�t agree with that attitude. I don�t think it�s my job to force someone else to believe something they don�t want to believe. Or rather, I don�t want to talk someone into being a Christian. I don�t want to bully someone into being Christian.

If you bully or force, the �christianity� is temporary.

See, it just slides right in there with my philosophy� It�s your life and you have the right to do whatever you want to. It is NOT my job to tell you what you�re doing wrong. IT is my job to accept you for who and what you are. If you�re not �good enough� God makes up for the rest.

Now, that sounds kind of insulting� as if someone weren�t good enough. That�s not really what I mean. I mean, if there are places where the friendship doesn�t mesh� if there is some area where the personalities are rough, the presence of the Holy Spirit smoothes the edges. God makes everything perfect enough.

Of course, this is my opinion and the theory isn�t really fleshed out. I don�t have the energy to flesh it out right now. I know that I�ve talked about this kind of stuff quite often before, I don�t need to get into it.

I started writing a letter to Duncan, figuring that I would have some explaining to do, and I had some questions for him too. But the brief letter I had intended to write has turned into a 24 page letter so far� and I�m only half through with the things I wanted to cover.

I�m thinking that perhaps I should post that letter to this diary, because it�s more purging emotions and less communication with him. Besides, I can take a few snippets from this diary if there�s something he needs to know.

Most of that letter, by the way, is really just my prattling on and on.

Of course, I�m a little leery to post that letter as I�ve included some really personal details. It�s been quite a long while since I�ve posted anything extremely personal in this diary.

I wonder why that is.

*ponders *

Maybe, since I�ve been happy, or rather, since I�ve been happy in my life, feeling fulfilled and content to a degree, maybe I just don�t want to tell the secrets I have left? Maybe I don�t realize I have secrets to reveal until they wind up on the page.

You see, I just start writing and whatever comes out is more often than not a surprise to me. I start with an idea in mind, but then the pen takes over. Often I�m more surprised by what appears on the page than by what I had originally intended to write. It�s my subconscious speaking for me.

That�s me.