So, I�ve been reading through quite a lot of diaries lately and I�ve been finding that most of the regular ones have been strangely missing entries. I pondered what this could mean, after all, I update my diary every day and I frequently post two or three times a day.

Oh wait a minute, that�s not me, that�s someone else in cyberspace. *shrugs*

Actually, I�ve been spending most of my time working on the Backwater Dive story. Mom found out that her book club is having a contest to find new authors. The grand prize is having your short story (27,000 words or less) published. *grins*

That�s why, if you haven�t noticed yet, I password protected my fiction diary. (That�s the link at the bottom of each entry which no one has been clicking on.)

If you want to read the story in progress, send me an Email or leave a message on my guestbook and I�ll send you a password.

Were I to be completely honest with myself, I would have to say that the reason I�m not posting entries is because I�ve been slipping into a mild depression. Not because my life is depressing, mind you, but because I�ve been stagnating.

I�ve been attending an OA group recently. This Saturday will mark my fifth week.

I�ve been attending because, well, just going should be the answer to my problem, shouldn�t it? Heh. Nope. So, I have to actually do something. And that�s the part which has gotten me on this no-writing kick.

See, if I actually put forth some effort and start writing, then I�ll have to admit to myself that I have been stagnating. I don�t want to admit that. I�d rather just lose myself in the idiot box or in one of the stories I�m either writing or reading. That way I don�t have to think about my life, my situation, or my lack of self-discipline.

Also, if I don�t write, I don�t have to admit that I suck at quitting smoking. I don�t have to admit that I can go all day, sometimes two or three days in a row, without a cigarette at all.

If I don�t write, then I don�t have to admit that I�m not really trying.

I hate that.

But, I don�t want to try. If I don�t try then I don�t have to break out of my comfort zone.

I like my comfort zone.

So, where do I go from here? Heh, good question.

I could actually fill out the schedule that I�ve printed off. I could actually FOLLOW the schedule that I have in my head.

I could actually just throw away this half-pack of smokes and pretend that I never smoked in the first place.

Or, I could dive into my feelings about my ex.

Oi. We don�t want to go there, do we?

No, didn�t think so.

Okay, so diving into the whole lack-of-self-discipline thing�

I know what I�m supposed to do. I�m supposed to get up at 5:30 every morning and take a shower. Then, from 6 to 7 I�m supposed to eat half a grapefruit/some kind of fruit thing and do my Bible study.

Then, between 7 and 7:30 I am supposed to get dressed and do that whole making the bed thing� I�m pretty flexible for that half hour. At 7:30 I�m supposed to eat breakfast. Something small/light and healthy. Then, from about 8 to 10 I�m supposed to work (Mon, Wed and Fri) on one or the other of my books. Tuesday and Thursday (sometimes one or the other) I�m supposed to go to work. Also, sometime in that two hour period, closer to 10 than 8, I�m supposed to have some snack kind of thing.

From 10 to about 12 I�m to continue working on either the novel or work. At 12 I can take a nap� a short one.

At 1 I have lunch and watch MacGyver.

At 2 I have to spend an hour, in fits and starts, cleaning. The kitchen, the living room, the bedroom, bathroom, whatever. About 3 or so, I have a snack and spend an hour doing Ebay stuff for Dad.

4 is Nikita.

5 to 5:30 is a walk, simply out to the air strip and back is enough to take the wind out of me for this month. Perhaps I�ll actually be able to make that walk into an hour-long thing after a while.

Regardless, between about 5:30 and 6:30 I should be working up diary entries for the various diaries I write in occasionally. 7 brings dinner and perhaps some TV or a movie. 8 is either TV or internet stuff except for Tuesday where that time slot is reserved for Gilmore Girls.

9 is internet until I�m too tired to move or until 10 rolls around, whichever comes first.

Saturday and Sunday are a little different, but not by a whole lot.

This is my schedule. The couple days that I�ve abided by it (except for the walk, cleaning and specific foods and specific times thing) I�ve felt good and was cheerful and such.

However, I haven�t been paying any attention to that schedule for a while. I printed it out. I know when I�m supposed to be doing things and what I�m supposed to be eating and all that, but I haven�t been able to force myself to abide by it.

I�ve been choosing (like tonight) to stay up until all hours of the morning and play around on the net. I�ve been choosing not to do Bible study for the past couple days.

The only thing which has become obvious is that I�m stagnating.

I don�t want to stagnate.

But I don�t want to break out of the comfort zone either.

*sighs*

I simply can not afford to remain in the same cycle I�ve observed for the past decade plus some. I have come too damned far to just stay in this place. Granted, it�s a hell of a lot better than where I was before, but it�s not where I want to end up.

*shrugs*

Erg. Bargle nawdle zous!