Anyway� diving into the feelings about the ex:

This is a really touchy subject. Why? Because it would be so much easier to just not think about it. I suppose that�s really what I�ve been doing lately; not thinking about the things I should think about.

That�s another reason I haven�t been posting entries.

The ex and I have been talking a bit lately. Why? *shakes her head* I�m not exactly sure. I mean, I know why I�ve been talking to him, but� I don�t know if I know on a conscious level why I want to.

*frowns*

I keep telling myself (and others) that the reason I want to associate with him is so that we can have that closure-providing conversation where we discuss what we did and why. However, though we�ve been hinting at that conversation, I see his interest in me growing.

Maybe I say that out of ego. It�s nice to know that someone is interested in me, especially after being alone for such a long time, but is he really interested in me, or is he trying to make the best of an irritating situation? Am I really just a thorn in his side?

When we were dating and he�d proposed to me, he told me that he�d never before felt the way he felt about me. I think back on that now and I wonder if that was really true. I also wonder if the ex felt about me the way I felt about Bryan.

I wonder if the ex wants me back. I get the feeling he does, but I just don�t know. Atop that, I don�t know if I want him to or not. Does that make sense?

It would be easy to go back to him. I�m getting along with his daughter well enough. He would treat me as well as he could. And he would lavish attention on me, I know this. But do I really want his attentions?

There�s a part of me that does. After all, it�s been a little over three and a half years since I�ve held someone. It�s been a long time since I�ve kissed someone. It�s been almost five years since the ex and I truly split; since we had the �truth out� and he chose Patricia.

That still hurts.

But why does it hurt? I mean, I�m better now than I ever was with him. I�m happier now than I was during the last few years of our marriage.

I suppose that�s a large part of it. I remember the good stuff and I want that good stuff back. I want to date. I want to have nights out and I want to be involved with someone else.

Is this, perhaps, growth?

It could be.

It took me quite a while to heal from my fiasco with Bryan. Maybe the things I�m experiencing are less due to the ex than to my own recovery.

I need to think about this. I shall return.