I sit here, knowing that I need to write, feeling a big, huge brick wall between the words and my fingers. Amazing how that can happen, huh?

I�ve been talking with the ex more and more as of late. It�s nice to have a friend and it�s nice to have him as a friend, I just don�t want to take it beyond friend zone. Am I obsessing about this? Possibly. This might be what others consider obsession to be. I, on the other hand, don�t agree. Personally, I think this is straight-out paranoia.

And trust me, folks, just because you�re paranoid, doesn�t mean they�re not out to get you. Or me, in this case.

So, I think about the ex and wonder where our �relationship� is going. I feel a hell of a lot like my sister right now, or rather, my impression of her, as I�ve been consistently blathering on about this stupid issue for too damned long. I definitely need to come to some conclusions tonight. I simply refuse to be bothered by this anymore.

I�m nervous about befriending him as I don�t want to repeat my past mistakes. Though this may seem like nothing major, to me it really is. I don�t want to settle for the only one interested anymore. This means that in order to avoid having the ex as the only option, I must be that which others will find attractive.

Why did I fall for the ex in the first place? Because I got some good advice and took it the wrong way. I had been pining for the guy I�d fallen for when I was 15 or so. I�d been saving myself for him, for the most part. I planned to marry him. But he wasn�t showing any interest. At all.

So, the counselor asked me why I thought he was waiting for me. From that, I figured that he probably wasn�t, and I should move on with my life. Not a bad concept, but poor execution.

The next day I met the ex. He showed interest in me and from the night we met, I felt a fire for him. I really liked him and vice versa. However, from our first official date I jumped into the sexual aspect. We were kissing and holding hands and necking on the first date. We were into heavy petting by the second date. We didn�t have intercourse until long after, but the same hormones and emotions were invoked.

Our relationship, on my part, was based on need. I needed someone to think I was wonderful. He did. I needed someone who would love me. He did. I needed someone who would take care of me. He did and wanted to, long term. I needed someone who showed interest in me and did the pursuing part of the relationship. He did those things.

I liked him a whole lot because he fed all my needs. He made me feel special, wonderful, beautiful. I hadn�t felt those things in a long-ass time. He made me feel like I was everything he had ever wanted. And, to him, I was everything he�d ever wanted.

For me, he was everything I needed. He loved me. He adored me. He took care of me. He bought me things. He gave me his heart in a velvet lined box. He gave me everything he possibly could. And I took it all. I was so very greedy for his attentions. The problem was that I would have been just as receptive to anyone else. Anyone who had shown me the kindness, tenderness and love that Duncan showered me with� I would have been just as nuts for them.

The problem� I wanted all the things Duncan provided to be coming from the guy I was still pining for. I wanted the Carpenter (hell, it�s as good a name as any other) to love me. I wanted the Carpenter to adore me. I wanted the Carpenter to protect and defend and love and need and support and take care of me. But, the Carpenter wasn�t showing any interest.

The Carpenter has sort of come into my life again. I haven�t seen him in more than two years, closer to three, I think, and we haven�t spoken or written, but my father visits with his family quite often and sees them once or twice every couple months. I get reports on the Carpenter and how he�s doing, more because my father thinks I want to know, than any other reason (though it does seem like Dad wants me to get together with the Carpenter. I�m not against that at all, on an emotional level. On a logical level, however, I know that I know absolutely nothing about him anymore� anyway�)

Regardless, though I get reports on his status, whereabouts and the like, there has been no communication between he and myself. The last time I spoke with the Carpenter, I asked him, point blank, if there was any chance for a future between he and I. It terrified me to ask him that, but I did. His response was that he had to think about it. I gave him my phone number and my Email addy. No contact.

So, the strictly hard-line side of me says get over him, don�t think about him, he�s off in his world doing his thing, don�t wait for him. The strictly emotional side of me says I should be making little paper hearts in which I write my name with his last name. *chuckles*

The logical side of me, that which combines brain and heart, says that regardless as to whether or not he�s interested, he hasn�t communicated that to me, therefore I should focus on getting my life in order. If he and I meet at some point in the future, I can deal with that when I come to it. For the time being, however, I should simply get my head out of my ass, get healthy, and become at least somewhat self-supporting. (yes, the logical head/heart side of me is more verbose than the either side alone.)

So, I�m sitting here listening to French trance, enjoying the hell out of it and suddenly the writing block has passed. Amazing how that can happen, huh?

So, anyway� back to the real point.

Where do I stand with the ex? He wants to be friends, but because of his specific psychosis (not like psychopath or anything, just his mental state), he can not function as a separate entity. He can�t be a man on his own. He needs to have the approval and permission from someone else in order to believe he�s doing it right. Whatever �it� may be is irrelevant.

The ex needs a fan, just as he did when we met. He is comfortable with me. He knows my proclivities and vice versa. He knows my tone of voice, my manner and my tenderness and kindness. He knows how I think and he knows my expressions and turns of phrase. I would be very comfortable for him. Besides the fact that he still loves me.

I also know all of these things about him. He is the known option. He is not the only option, however.

This is where the key lies. In order for me to stop obsessing about him, I have to realize that he is not the only option. Atop that, I have to remind myself that he is not the option I desire.

You see, I no longer need the approval and attention he so readily gave. I no longer need a hero. I have healed that part of my psychosis. I am not the needy, clingy waif anymore.

In the years since we split, I have realized many things about myself, not the least of which is my own personal value. And, at it�s most base line� the absolute most basic I can get in this whole argument, he simply is not what I want.

Though he offers me many things I would like to have, I no longer need those things. He offers approval, love, adoration, support, tenderness, kindness, humor and puppy-dog loyalty. I have puppy-dog loyalty, however, from my dog. I don�t need it from a mate.

The ex is not a marriage option because I have grown beyond him. I was beyond him mentally and spiritually when we met, but I was wounded and damaged emotionally. He salved those wounds and also made it okay for me to be weak. He made it okay for me to not challenge myself or grow. It was okay for me to remain stagnant with him.

I don�t want to be stagnant anymore.

So, where do I go from here?

The ex is the ex and that�s the way it will stay. He�s a nice guy and a good friend. If I want my oil changed, he�ll do that. If I want my car detailed, the garden weeded, the carpets shampooed, he�ll do those things. If I want a movie-watching companion, he�ll be there. If I want someone to tell me jokes, he�s the first person I�ll call. If I want to have a serious conversation, I�ll call Mom. *chuckles*

The ex is a good guy. I like him for that. I enjoy his company. I have to remind myself, constantly, however, that I can not simply fall back into the known. It would be great fun to watch movies with him, to have barbecues with him� those things are a blast and he does them well� he is a great people person. And, he�s an awesome friend.

We, together, make great friends and a formidable team. We, together, suck as marriage mates.

Okay, so I�ve said that a million times already. Bottom line time.

I need to be healthy. In order to accomplish that goal, I need to focus on the future, rather than the past.

I want:
1. Health
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Happiness
5. Strength of mind
6. Strong moral character (both from me and the significant other)
7. Deep, intellectual conversations
8. Deep spiritual commitment
9. Dedication to God
10. Honesty
11. A mate who is healthy of mind and body
12. A mate with no children
13. A mate with intelligence equal to, or greater than, mine

So, now that I have a basic understanding of what I really want, I know what I should do. Conversations will be easier with the ex now, as I know where I�m headed. I�m not going back to him. He�s the known, granted, but I don�t want the known. I want more than he could ever offer me. The best part is, I don�t need him anymore.

I can have a healthy relationship with him because I don�t need him to make me whole. I am whole in and of myself. And, with God�s help, I will remain that way. I need a man who is whole in and of himself and the ex simply isn�t there yet. I�m not sure if he�ll ever be there.

For now, this is enough. For now, I have understanding and comprehension. My life is again at peace.

(and, since I�ve already had my shower and done this diary entry, I can sleep in for an additional hour and a half. *grins*)

So, that�s what I know. Thanks for listening.