Okay, I was out at the beach today and wrote in my notebook. Intending fully to transcribe it to this diary. And so... here I am. I started it, thinking about Bryan...

I'm sitting at Waikiki beach right now. The surf is calm, the waves so mild you can barely see every second one. I've only been here one other time since you were here with me... damn I miss you.

There's a slight haze obscurring the Oregon Coastal foothills. Locals call them mountains, but they're not really mountains... there's no snow.

It's almost 5:30p. Joey is off scampering, sniffing and dusting the ground with his ears. And I'm sitting here in my black hiking/cross-trainer shoes, blue jeans with the "bumpkin roll" cuffs and cargo pockets, and a yellow, (underscore, bold, exclamation) tank top.

I French-braided my hair and actually put on make up. But the copper/brown lipstick has worn off. If I had Carmex on me, I'd put some of that on cause my lips are a bit chappeed. But I don't have any with me.

And, as stupid as it may seem, that reminds me of you.

Fuck, just as I'm sitting here, the thought enters my mind, "I hate just being friends." and I feel the sting of tears. You know, that hint that you might cry - your eyes feel scratchy and burny at the same time, your nose feels thick and itchy for just a single moment - then both sensations pass as you tell yourself, "I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry. I. AM. NOT. GOING. TO. CRY!"

So, I adjust my position, put my book down for a moment to light another smoke, and continue writing.

A park cop just pulled past, driving slow, making sure I'm not setting fire to the driftwood and such.

The Ocean is beautiful, Bryan. Damn it. I miss you so much. But, I'm not going to cry.

So, I start thinking about this diary and how I said I wasn't going to talk about you anymore. That I wsn't going to dwell on it. But here I am, talking about you again.

And the feelings.... Feelings of anger, pain, meloncholy (baby), nostalgia, contempt and joy.

Then I think about CHarles and how I haven't seen him online in three days and how that sets off concern -- I wonder if he's alright - if he's just been busy - if his comp was down - or his modem - or even the phone lines - or if I may have said or done something to upset him - and then the contempt rises again.

Contempt for how I could possibly be so egotistical as to think something I (underscore, capitol, bold, exclamation) could be the reason he would choose to stay offline for a few days.

And then my thoughts turn toward Preston and the damage that was done to that friendship--

And another emotion war ensues

Specifically because I want to write about the whole thing in this diary, but I won't. I will save those ruminations for the private diary -- cause I don't want to hurt him, or put him in a bad light. The words I say now can and do effect the future.

And then I move to the car. Tho I love sitting in the sun, I absolutey love it, I'm a red-head with fair skin and that means I burn -- very easily -- very quickly. About an hour in the sun is about all I can afford without a burn - or, rather, a bad burn.

And my thoughts carry me to what I want to do tonight. Do I want to go to Nick's to check out the band?

And that spawns thoughts of the drive home -- will I leave early so as to avoid the cops searching out the DUI/DWI crowd - do I take my chances - Does Nick's even have a band tonight?

And then Sarah Mclaughlin comes on the tape, banishing all but one thought ---

Bryan.

And I would be the one - to hold you down - kiss you so hard - I'd take your breath away - and after I'd - wipe away the tears - just close your eyes, dear

Damn it... I hate just being your fucking friend...... I motherfucking hate it.

*sighs quietly*

But.... that's life, isn't it?

Oh, and as a side note... Bryan broke up with his girlfriend last night. He said she wanted more than he was really able to give. And it hurts me because I know he's hurtin. I wish I could just take away all his pain. All of it. He doesn't even have Jas and Wes to keep him company. That fuckin sucks.

Bryan.....

And it feels like a fucking endless mantra.

Listen as the wind blows - from across the great divide - voices trapped in yearning - memries trapped in time - the night is my companion - and solitude my guide - would I spend forever here - and not be satisfied.

And I would be the one - to hold you down - kiss you so hard - I'll take your breath away - and after I'd - wipe away the tears - just close your eyes dear

Through this world I've stumbled - so many times betrayed - tryin to find an honest word - to find the truth enslaved - oh you speak to me in riddles and - you speak to me in rhymes - my body aches to breathe your breath - your words keep me alive

And I would be the one - to hold you down - kiss you so hard - I'll take your breath away - and after I'd - wipe away the tears - just close your eyes dear

Into this night I wander - it's morning that I dread - another day of knowing of - the path I fear to tread - oh into the sea of waking dreams - I follow without pride - nothing stands between us here - and I won't be denied

And I would be the one - to hold you down - kiss you so hard - I'll take your breath away - and after I'd - wipe away the tears - just close your eyes.

Oh, God help me, this hurts to think about. I don't want to be just friends.

*inhales deeply - then exhales slowly*

*and again*

And the emotional war is put behind me.... or rather, that particular Emotional War......

(part two to come)

See ya.....

J